Water

Water you up to?  Not much, you?

Hahahaha!  I crack myself up.  (cues laugh track)

I was looking on my bottle of tea for ingredients.  It SHOULD say water and green tea.  It doesn’t.

Water, Citric acid, Hexametaphosphate, Natural flavor (why would you have to ADD natural flavor?  If it isn’t added, why is it listed as an ingredient?) Green tea (there’s the tea), ascorbic acid, potassium sorbate, phosporicacid, aspartame, acesulfame potassium, pectin, and calcium disodium EDTA. And what is EDTA?  Ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid. (That’s ethylene diamine tetra acetic acid)  It is made from a concoction of poisons and chelation chemicals:  formaldehyde, sodium cyanide, and Ethylenediamine.  Yummy!

Back to water.  It has been pointed out to me that I might be suffering from chronic dehydration.  Chronic?  It means I’m consistently drinking stuff other than water.  Think of it this way.  You’re making bread.  It calls for flour, sugar, milk, salt, butter and yeast.  That’s fairly straight forward isn’t it.  Milk is liquid.  Substitute 2/3 c of dry milk and 1 cup water.  Now…Here’s where the fun begins.  Try substituting 1 cup of tea for the water.  Now try 1 cup of coffee.  Oooo!  how about a cup of kalua!  Wait.  1 cup of Mountain Dew!  I like Mountain Dew, let’s make it 2 cups!  Yum!  In any case, you’re not going to get bread out of this recipe.

The body craves water.  Simplest form possible.  If it gets something other than water, it first has to clean it to get the water out.  That’s an extra step.  When you pollute the water with flavorings and extra chemicals to maintain its color and addict you to the secret ingredient (High Fructose Corn Syrup),  you don’t get as much water as you need out of the concoction.  Your nerves need water to make sure the electrical impulses are not short circuited.  Your brain needs water because it’s the brain and it knows what it wants.  Your bones need water to lubricate the joints.  Your blood needs water so it doesn’t get too thick.  OK, so no, I don’t exactly know why all these systems need water, but they do.  But I don’t drink nearly enough water.  I bet you don’t either.  You drink sports drinks, and pop, and milk, and tea, and beer, and wine and juice.  But you don’t just drink water.  Oh we make a big deal about carrying our water in little bottles with labels that say “this here water is pure as the driven snow and melted down from a glacier in Nova Scotia…or from the tap of Mrs. Livingston in Rockwell, Ill.”  We drink the water at the gym and where ever we think someone will see us being healthy.  Then we go home and have a 2 liter Mountain dew with our pizza.  Or we have 1/2 a case of beer with our steak and potatoes.

I want to try an experiment.  Let’s get as many people to do a WATER ONLY September.

  1. Take your measurements and describe your well-being before you start, and then at the end of the month.  Let me know what you discover.
  2. If you drink anything, it has to be water.  No tea, coffee, fruit drinks, diet drinks, pop…just water.  I think the standard amount is related to your weight.  I may be way off base, but figure 1 oz of water for every 2 pounds you weigh.  So if you are 100 pounds, you drink 50 oz of water a day.
  3. You can have soup and broth, but it doesn’t substitute for water, it would be in addition to water.

I will collate the information and let you know the results in October.  It could have revealing results.

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Crutches

Ever get off the crutches too early?  You start doing compensating behaviors (like the way you changed the route you took to your desk so the hand rails would be on the correct side.)  You change your stance, you change your gait, and then things heal wrong.  You start compensating to the point where you prevent healing.

This happens on emotional and mental arenas as well.  You wake up, trip on the covers and bonk your toe on a chair.  Then you say to yourself, “Well, it’s going to be one of THOSE days!”  Why would you set yourself up like that?  It’s emotionally and mentally safer that way.  You’re expecting things to go wrong so that when they do, you pat yourself on the back and say, “Yup, you called it right!  It IS one of THOSE days!”  What if instead, you said, “Well I got the worst part of my day over with and it’s not even 7:30 AM!  Woohoo!”  What if something else went wrong during the day?  What if it WAS worse than smacking your toe?!  You’d be WRONG in your ASSESSMENT!  Has anyone heard your assessment?  How would anyone else know?  Ahhhh, you go around telling everyone what a horrible day it has turned out to be today and it’s not even 10 AM.  Why?  Because misery loves company.

How about those of us that say, “Well I’m certainly klutzy today.”  That gives us license to spill the coffee on that goofball in accounting that thinks he’s clever and is always trying to be witty in the break room.  It gives us an excuse to knock all the papers off Mr. Never-makes-a-mistake’s desk so he has to put them alllllllll back in order again.  It gives us permission to be mean and blame it on our klutziness as exhibited in the privacy of our bedroom earlier that morning.  Wait… No one saw that.  Hmmmm.  You could make up a story about your short comings and have a ball taking out all those people that annoy you!

  1. I didn’t get my morning coffee, I’m grumpy.  We can tease and yell and complain all day!
  2. I couldn’t find my keys this morning, I’m losing everything!  Like the report we didn’t do or the party funds we might use to buy lunch today…
  3. I’m so distracted today!  I can’t focus on …squirrel!  That allows us the freedom to stare out the window during the meeting, and interrupt the blabbermouth as he regales everyone with his boring golf stories.

But see?  This makes you the annoying person in the office.  It is fun, but it isn’t right.  Do not use a single characteristic to paint your whole day.  Do not ascribe a temporary shortfall in your abilities to a fatal flaw in your character.  So when you stub your toe, just say OUCH.  If you don’t get your coffee, drink some at work or on the way.  If no coffee makes you grumpy, you have much bigger problems.  If you lose your keys, be extra attentive to your belongings.  If you’re distracted, go to the bathroom and collect your thoughts so you can refocus.  Because eventually, if you have that many fatal flaws, and destiny is against you, you will be hit by a bus.

 

Humor

I was watching Stand Up on Nitwit Flex the other day.  I have seen 4 comedians.  The 1st one told long stories, one of which involved him performing at a prison, and another about his relationship with his wife.  It was amusing but not funny.  The funny one was the black guy who said he was taking notes for future material, and would whip out a notebook sized piece of paper when they laughed big or when they didn’t.  He had some great Carlinesque and some Richard Pryor moments where he just made observations on life.  His language was foul.  The remaining 2 comedians were talking about bodily functions the whole time.  That might be funny to 5th graders or high school sophomores, but none of the material these 4 were using corresponded to the laughter they were getting.  In fact, it didn’t seem to me that the audience reaction was in line with the stimulus.  It’s like when you tell a joke that is not funny and the crowd goes crazy–like the venue sprays silly gas on them before you get on stage.

Are they laughing because they feel intellectually inadequate in that they don’t understand the humor and don’t want the people around them to know they didn’t get it?  Are they laughing to prove to themselves and the people around them that they are worldly wise and sophisticated enough to get the f@rt jokes?  Are they laughing because they’re embarrassed by the material?  (I had a kid that would smile when he was embarrassed.)  Do they have plants in the audience?  I would be a Robin Williams in that venue!  I would have people rolling in the aisles under those circumstances.

I could talk about weight lifting at the gym after a yogurt breakfast.  “Now for squats…I hope I don’t f@rt!” *acts out lifting and f@rting.  Crowd goes wild.*  I could do potty training grand children.  “Welcome to Trouserless Tuesday!  Drop your pants, and if you need to pee…go to the bathroom or clean it up yourself.”  *crowd is in tears.*  I could tell a story about hiking the trail after burritos for lunch.  1/2 way around the lake, I REALLY have to go, and there’s no toilet paper in the out house.  It’s too late.  People across the lake can hear the expulsion and look up to see where the jet is.  The methane released peels all the paint off the interior.  Other hikers walking by pass out.  I use the toilet paper roll to scrape off as much as I can, and have to walk funny for another mile and 1/2 to get back to my car…where I am recoiling at the idea of sitting down and driving home.  *crowd is rolling on the floor and some are having accidents themselves.*  But I don’t think that material is funny.

What I think is funny are those little blue pill advertisements.  How can it be considered erotic for 2 old people to be in separate bathtubs, outside, holding hands and looking at the sunset?  1st of all, it’s 2 older people.  2nd, why 2 tubs?  (Wouldn’t a nice big Jacuzzi be more erotic?)  3rd, is the water heated or does it get colder?  (I’d think that cold water might be a detriment to later performance…)  4th, in order to get started, one or both have to get out of the tubs.  So if they’ve been sitting in cooling water, staring out at the sunset for any length of time, they’ll be pruny, and goose-bumpy, and, well, shriveled.  I would think that my first reaction to such a scene would be laughter (and shivering).

My audience is different though.  They’re not the millenials and new parents and those of mid-life crises.  They’re the grandparents, the mean old nasty ladies with the canes, the old guys with the Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and silly hats that constantly yell, “Git off my lawn ya little buggers!!!”  They’re the ones with life experience.  They’re the ones that read bill boards and laugh at the implications.  (Picture of Lincoln–failed, failed, failed, failed, President–Persistence!  And we’re thinking failed, failed, failed, failed, shot.)  Or look at those inspirational bill boards put up by the churches.  Think how much easier it would have been if there had been bill boards in Moses’ day.  “Yo!  MOSES!  The sign said next exit!”  Could have cut some of the traveling time.  Or post one up with Jesus’ picture on it saying, “THIS IS THE GUY!~God”  Would have saved a lot of people from 2nd thoughts.  I always get confused about the connection of nearly naked ladies and cars.  Which are they selling?

I think that the lengths some of these people go to have the perfect ANYTHING are ludicrous!  The more moving parts, the less likely things are to be perfect.  So if you’re spending $30k on a wedding dress, and the perfect destination wedding, with the perfect band or dj, and the perfect vows, and the pre-nuptial agreements, and the right people at your wedding (the ones that have enough money to GET to the destination) it will be a perfect occasion.  It’s just ONE DAY in your married life and the next 12 years you will be arguing about money because you’ll still be paying for it.  It is the same with the perfect birth for your baby.  I confess I heard this last discussion on the radio.  It was HILARIOUS what women do.  “Oh, no we’ll be having a completely natural childbirth in the completely natural childbirth facility with 15 people on hand to do the child’s first spinal adjustment as he’s born, the string quartet playing Mozart, the midwife, husband, obstetrician and 3 nurses on hand, the priest, the gospel choir and the most sanitary of rooms. Whatever is best for the baby.”  Oh, really?  Well, we’ll be having a completely natural childbirth on the beach in the ocean.  The salt water keeps the child floating on the sea and completely relaxed.  Whatever is best for the baby.”  Oh yeah?  I was part of the Lamaze group when that went through.  That was rather enjoyable.  Now that isn’t enough.  Speaking with the nurses and staff, I discovered that 80% of the Lamaze patients were screaming for drugs before they got through the 1st couple of hours of labor.  It seems to me that everything in life needs to be a production put on by the most prestigious directors in which we (the untrained!) play the leading roles.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  It cracks me up!

Strangely enough, not many of the things I find funny ever end up on the “Stand-Up” stage.  You know that a regular target for archery is the big circle with little circles inside?  If Donald Trump was a target, he’d be just a big red circle.  So no, he’s not on my list of funny things…too easy.  Bodily functions have ceased being funny since gradually, in my advanced age, I am losing control of all of them.  Complaining about aging is off the table because the youngsters don’t think it’s funny or they don’t get it, and the “more mature” members of the audience often have funnier stories about the same subjects.  That leaves me with observational humor.  Carlin was the master of that as was Robin Williams.

What do I observe?  9 times out of 10, the guys from CSI (and Miami CSI and NY CSI) don’t apparently work for any of the other police on TV.  There is a reason for this!  When the investigations are run by CSI, they have the LAB GEEKS GO INTO THE FIELD WITH THE FIELD AGENTS AND THEY TAKE THE LEAD IN THE ARRESTS!  So if you want credit for a collar, you don’t let the CSI people anywhere near your crime scene.  They will steal it from you!

I also notice that if you put a mask on a famous person, they become unrecognizable.  I can see how that would work with Dare Devil, Spider Man and the Flash, but the Green Arrow?  Supergirl?  Superman? Com’on!  Facial recognition would nail them the 1st time they showed up in a news story!

I also notice that Gibbs never gets called on a harassment charge for his head slaps.

Unfortunately, another noticeable thing is that during sweeps week, everyone goes into the bedroom.  I don’t want to KNOW what they’re doing on their own time in the privacy of their own homes.  These are mythical creatures, these TV personalities.  They NEVER go to the bathroom.  The women are never experiencing PMS.  All the guys are experts at the salmon ladder,  and none of them has hair on their chest.  Even Hercules (Kevin Sorbo) had hair on his chest.  I cannot imagine having to grow chest hair back!  What an itchy situation!!!

What is the likelihood that I would get a call from “Stand up” to do a session?  Somewhere south of .005%.  *Sigh*

Gait

I have discovered that when I’m on an elliptical machine, I don’t limp.  I also don’t have to use my hands to steady myself so I don’t lose my balance.  I cannot do that on a treadmill. I went to my PT today and worked on some stuff–my normal routine.  I stretch my hamstrings and my uninjured leg is tighter than my recovering leg.  I lie on my side and do leg lifts with a weight, then on my back.  I did grand battements en croix with both legs. (Not at the same time…) Then, I had to do the 10 second sit down exercise 5 times.   I tend to lean to the right to stand and sit so less of my weight is over the recovering leg.  I have to concentrate really hard to do this.

I added another exercise today.  I stand on a 4″ box with my weak leg suspending my strong leg over the floor.  I then slowly bend my supporting leg until I can touch the ground with my foot, then stand again.  This is very hard for me.  The therapist was surprised that my injury was incurred in August.  Just ducky.  You should be much further along than this if your injury was last year!  Well, I’m not.   So fix me.  Ok, last exercise…walk on the treadmill for 5 min and don’t limp.  Only hold the support with your left hand, adjust your hips and don’t swing your leg.  OK, Walk NORMALLY.

6.crying

How can I get better without hurting?

No Pain, No Gain.  Am I pushing my muscles and tendons and ligaments to their limits?  No.  I am walking to my car, up the stairs in my house, out in my yard to move my hose for the new planties.  So why am I so sore?  Am I doing extra work at the gym?  Am I getting a thorough work out at the Physical Therapist?  Well…  10 min of my workout in PT is spent with a warm pack on my leg.  It is followed by about 5 min of deep tissue massage (which really hurts especially around the screws in my appliance).  I then have about 3-5 min of ultrasound therapy.  20 min of non active therapy.  40 min of marching, standing on 1 leg, battement tendus (French ballet term), doing step ups, a hip sled, and stretching exercises.  But it didn’t hurt the day of or the day after.  So why is it hurting now?  Why do I still limp?  Why am I so hungry?  oh wait, next blog…stay on topic kid!

I’m finding it difficult to locate my center of gravity.  It seems when I stand on my recovering leg that my center is to the left of my leg and I’m leaning over to compensate.  I try to move my hips so my center of gravity is center.  That is most uncomfortable. 50833843-image-of-young-overweight-person-doing-exercise-at-home-while-standing-with-one-feetPasse

So that isn’t me, but do you see how the upper part of the body is tilted over the right side of the standing leg?  It should be centered over the foot and the right hip extended further so the upper body is straight up and down like the dancer on the right.  Yes, she’s holding onto a barre, but she could hold that position without the barre as well.  I cannot seem to get myself into that position.

Heck, I can’t walk on a tread mill without holding on because of the limp.  Driving me crazy.  9 months now, beginning the 10th month of recovery.  What a pain.

An Evil sense of humor

I just watched a pitch for a “Smart House.”  It’s run by a Smart Phone ap.  Oooooooh the possibilities! Let me tell you about the features of this marvelous product.  It has camera access to every room in your house.  Oh really?  The bathroom?  It has 2 way communication so even kids without phones can contact you by ringing the door bell.  Oh, yes, there’s a camera in the door bell.  It keeps a log of everyone that has been to your porch!  With this ap, you can open and close your garage door, turn up or down the thermostat, turn your lights on and off, turn off your appliances (like irons and washing machines) and lock and unlock your doors.  I’m like a kid in a candy store!

“Hey house!  Turn on the lights, open the garage door and unlock the front and side doors.”  *Waits patiently for enterprising thieves to notice.*  There’s a likely participant.  He wanders into the garage, and checks the door.  In he comes.  “Hey house!  Turn out the lights.”  Thief walks into chair.  Disembodied voice (you) says, “You forgot to clap twice to turn on the lights.”  Thief is startled, but claps twice.  Nothing happens.  Disembodied voice says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, slowly.”  Thief claps slowly.  Nothing happens.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, faster than last time but not too fast.”  Thief claps twice.  Nothing happens.  He claps again faster, then again slower.  Disembodied voice says, “Thank you!   Thank you!  I love the applause!  You like me you really like me.”  Lights remain off.  Thief runs into another chair.  Lights come on.  Siren comes on.  Disembodied voice yells, “Clap twice to turn off alarms and alert police that you are a friendly neighbor just feeding the fish.”

You sit in your cozy motel monitoring the poor thief and are stifling uproarious laughter.  Thief is clapping like crazy to turn off alarms.  Disembodied voice yells, “I’m sorry, did you clap?  I can’t hear it over the cacophony.  Please clap louder.”  Thief runs into laundry room and closes the door.  Washer starts up.  Disembodied voice says, “Maria, you’re early.  You don’t usually start the washer at this time.  Are you under duress?  Maria?  Maria?  If this is not Maria, invisible poison gas will shortly permeate the room and you’ll be dead in 30 seconds.”  Thief runs out the door.  Siren turns off, lights go out, and thief falls over ottoman.  Lights flash on and off. TV turns on and off.  Prerecorded horror movie starts to play.  Washer turns off, radio turns on.  Temperature is slowly climbing to 90 degrees.  Thief is in full blown panic.  He runs for the door.  “House?  Lock all the doors and turn off all lights, close and lock garage door.  Alert police.”  He tries to break the bullet proof windows.  No luck.  He tries to unlock the door, but you are much faster relocking it than he is opening it.  Police will be there in 1 min, turn on siren, turn off lights, turn off appliances.

Police arrive to hear panicked thief begging to be taken out to nice quiet jail cell with 15 crack heads and a biker gang rather than stay in this apparently unassuming, empty house.  Officer 1 turns to Officer 2 and says, “You know, that’s the 5th time this month we’ve had an attempted robbery at this place.”  Officer 2 replies, “and it’s also the 5th time we’ve had the thieves begging to be taken to jail.  Weird huh?”  “Nahhhhhh….”

Don’t let me get a hold of this Smart House ap.  It isn’t safe.

 

This is good/bad

Went to a convention in Indianapolis.  Whee!  Prepaid the parking and it is just across the street from the Colts’ stadium which is good since 1/2 the event happens here.  Unfortunately, the other half is in the convention center, which according to the map, is just a couple minutes’ walk from the parking facility.  The map is SO wrong!  1st off, it’s about 4-6 blocks from the car, but when you get to the center, it’s another 1/2 mile INSIDE the building!  I am using my cane, but the side effect is that my back and hip on the uninjured side now stiffen up.

Once you get to the room, you sit for 4 hours after the walk.  Uh oh.  Now back and hip is stiffened up, AND the injured leg is weak and doesn’t want to support my weight.  Not the worst, because hubby’s knee is giving out now!  OH NO!  So started at the stadium.  Then 3 hours later, they kick us out (even though most of the participants are buying food!) before the next session.  The participants take their food outside to eat, and 1/2 hour later, when the doors re-open, are not allowed to take it back in to the facility.  Doh!  Sit for another 3 1/2 hours, then mosey out to find the next session.  We wander down the street and with no end in sight, we stop and sit on some of the low walls.  Finally, we get to the convention center, then follow the crowd in and stand in line for another 30 min to get pizza.  We go to the last session and sit for 2 more hours.  Hip, back and thigh is stiff, and hubby’s knee is sore.  Limp back to the car and ride home.

My right hand is now bruised from the cane.  The room phone doesn’t work, and I am having difficulties getting into the internet.  I should put on my run tracker tomorrow!  I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight!

 

Why does it take so looooonnnnnnngggggg?

Broke my hip in August.  10 months.  3 months now without cane or crutches.  My Physical Therapist says, “Try not to walk with a limp.”  OK.  But my injured leg doesn’t come straight up and down when I step on it.  It kinda lists off to one side.  When I walk on the tread mill, my gait is ok, but when I’m done, my right arm is sore.  “Don’t lean on it.”  ok.  “Try not to walk with a limp.”  *puts hand back on handle bars for tread mill.*  “Now that’s good, just take your hand off now.”  *takes hand off*  “Now try not to walk with a limp…”  repeat.

They’re all confused about what to do with my gait.  So they sent me to the shoe store to get better shoes.  I paid $165 for shoes that hurt.  They have a wide sole and a very hard and high arch.  I slide to the outside of the shoe.  (Gravity tends to work that way.  Put something on a hill and it will slide down.)  “Your gait needs improving.  The shoes are fine; you are messed up.”  I have blisters on the tops of my toes on one foot, and the tarsometatarsal joint on the outside of my foot goes out of place if I step on uneven ground.  This is most unpleasant.  Since I was a dance teacher many years ago, I know how to pop it back in, but that doesn’t make it less painful, and it doesn’t solve the problem.

I tripped over a broken hose this morning, and it hurt that foot, and also the thigh on my injured leg.  Here I am at 7:30 AM and my day is already slated to be nasty.  I’m driving through the heavy rain with lightning and thunder, and the guy on the radio says, there’s a better chance for rain (50%!) for tomorrow.  How can a 50% chance of rain be better than the 100% that we have now?  Will it rain more earnestly?  My conclusion is that the day brings what the day brings, and hurting myself 1st thing in the morning does not dictate how the rest of the day will go.

Congratulations! You’re cured!

I don’t get that assessment very often.  I got it from my orthopedic doctor yesterday.  But Doctor, I still hurt.  “Yup.  You’re going to hurt.”  But Doctor, I still limp.  “Yup, you still limp.”  How am I cured?  “Your leg is no longer broken.”  Ah.

Then, from the Physical Therapist…”You know, eventually you’ll have to be doing exercises on your own to keep making progress.  You have to get to the point where you don’t need us any more.”

Maybe I should have washed the clothes I wear to the appointments…though I didn’t notice anyone’s eyes tearing up and heard no retching noises.

I did get new shoes yesterday.  They are supposed to compensate for my outward roll on my right foot and support my weak left leg.  Both have a very high arch support in them.  I feel like my foot is sliding off the center of the shoe.  They felt ok in the store though.  Is there a thing where when you cross the threshold, the shoes have a trigger that turns off the comfort level?  I guess I’ll find out if it works in a few days.

So for all intents and purposes, my leg is healed.  It still hurts to stand on it for any length of time, and I cannot go up and down stairs like I used to.  But…

IT’S PROGRESS!

 

I’m getting ugh better

It feels so weird when I step up on the box and my hip does this weird popping thing.  It feels like someone strumming a guitar.  It takes so much effort to just stand on that one leg.  It requires a lot of effort to stand on the injured leg and do grand battements with my right.  The uninjured leg does not want to move.

The leg doesn’t hurt until I release the muscles.  Then it hurts like the dickens!  But, I am getting better.  Really.  omg.