Disorganized and depressed

Those things go hand in hand don’t they.  I am looking for a sign-up sheet I passed around 2 weeks ago.  I am supposed to post it today.  No clue where it is.  I found a ream of paper, agendas, lists, goals, paperwork, research, scanning alignment, and none of it I have needed in the past month.  I’m supposed to PUT it somewhere, but I just stand there and wonder what the heck I need this stuff for.  Then the things I need, I cannot find.  You know that Hoarder show they have on TV?  I look at my office and I freeze up.  I don’t know what to do.  I pick up a stack of stuff, and go through it, and look for a place to put it, don’t find THE SPOT and so I put it down, then pick it up, and turn around to put it somewhere, then put it back.

I am supposed to do cardio 5x a week and weight training 3x a week, but I cannot get started.  I do know what to do, and I stand there willing myself to do it, and then I don’t.  I have the same feeling as when I’m dealing with all that paperwork.  I feel the need to fail.  It’s easier to fail because then no one expects anything from you.  Then they’re surprised when you do something.  The only thing is, you’re starting from a bad location.  You have to overcome a big gap in what people perceive you can do and what you actually can do.  They assume you will fail and so they do not choose to believe you or trust you or choose you for a task.  Why would ANYONE put themselves through that?  And yet…

After you have adopted this perspective, “I’ll come from behind and shock them all!  (insert evil laugh here)” then you get to the realization that maybe, just maybe they’ve been right to assume you cannot measure up.  You fail at coming from behind for the 1st time, then again, then again.  Maybe they were right and you were just fooling yourself.  Then you just stop trying.  YOU assume that you cannot measure up.

Others, your friends or family, see this subtle change in attitude, and they try to bolster you up.  Here’s where it gets really strange.  The more they protest your assumption that you are useless or hopeless, the more you try to prove them wrong.  Again, why would any sane person do that?  Because we believe in cause and effect when it comes to psychology, we look for reasons as to why a person would behave or think or feel like this.  What is really needed, I guess, is for someone to come along, give you a kick in the butt, and say, “Knock it off!  Get back to work, and solve the problem!”

All Right.  Get off your butt, pick a project, get started!

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