This might make the difference! I want to thank AGoe for this. She’s such a great blogger and she gives me insight and hope. When it is put like this, what is it I do most of the time? I get disgusted with myself and think that it will move me to be successful. I am trying to hate myself content, happy, with a feeling of accomplishment. I am trying to criticize myself better, faster, cleaner, and healthier. I’m trying to shame myself worthy of people’s attention, respect, friendship, and caring. Well no WONDER!
Can I blame anyone for this? What if you’ve been told all your life that everything you are and do are not good enough? I am good enough! For a long while, I debated people on these points. I am just as smart and competent and resourceful and healthy and as good as you are. Something happened. I got nothing in encouragement except from my parents, and even then, I got the distinct impression that I was a disappointment to them and they were encouraging and supportive because they had to be. Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one could make you feel inferior without your consent. I got tired of arguing and debating, and I got to the point where I thought to myself, “Self? If EVERYONE tells you the same thing, maybe they’re right.” So I gave my consent. I went into a spiral. Yes, you are right, I’m scum. No? Ah, I give scum a bad name. You’re probably right. Want me to teach you banjo? Want me to teach you statistics? If you’d like to be a millionaire–I can help you. Oh wait, why would anyone take advice or mentoring/teaching from scum? Never mind… I gave up on myself over and over again. I’d do something really amazing, and everyone would be surprised that that I was capable of that kind of performance. Then I would find it impossible to capitalize on that performance because I was unworthy of people’s trust and belief.
I need to spiral back up. I will have to leave the self hate, the vicious criticism, and the shame behind. I have to do what I’ve been teaching students and clients for the last 50 years to do–pat yourself on the back for the things that go right and say “oops” for the things that go wrong. Use the phrase, “Hmmm, isn’t that interesting?” or “That didn’t go as planned, recalculating!” instead of cussing myself out and reaffirming all the negative things people say to and about me or imply by the eye rolls and the snickers (not the candy bar…I like the snickers candy bars! :p) Should be an interesting change in perspective.