Break through!

This might make the difference!  I want to thank AGoe for this.  She’s such a great blogger and she gives me insight and hope.  When it is put like this, what is it I do most of the time?  I get disgusted with myself and think that it will move me to be successful.  I am trying to hate myself content, happy, with a feeling of accomplishment.  I am trying to criticize myself  better, faster, cleaner, and healthier.  I’m trying to shame myself worthy of people’s attention, respect, friendship, and caring.  Well no WONDER!

Can I blame anyone for this?  What if you’ve been told all your life that everything you are and do are not good enough?  I am good enough!  For a long while, I debated people on these points.    I am just as smart and competent and resourceful and healthy and as good as you are.  Something happened.  I got nothing in encouragement except from my parents, and even then, I got the distinct impression that I was a disappointment to them and they were encouraging and supportive because they had to be.  Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one could make you feel inferior without your consent.  I got tired of arguing and debating, and I got to the point where I thought to myself, “Self?  If EVERYONE tells you the same thing, maybe they’re right.”  So I gave my consent.  I went into a spiral.  Yes, you are right, I’m scum.  No?  Ah, I give scum a bad name.  You’re probably right.  Want me to teach you banjo?  Want me to teach you statistics?  If you’d like to be a millionaire–I can help you.  Oh wait, why would anyone take advice or mentoring/teaching from scum?  Never mind…  I gave up on myself over and over again.  I’d do something really amazing, and everyone would be surprised that that I was capable of that kind of performance.  Then I would find it impossible to capitalize on that performance because I was unworthy of people’s trust and belief.

I need to spiral back up. I will have to leave the self hate, the vicious criticism, and the shame behind.  I have to do what I’ve been teaching students and clients for the last 50 years to do–pat yourself on the back for the things that go right and say “oops” for the things that go wrong.  Use the phrase, “Hmmm, isn’t that interesting?” or “That didn’t go as planned, recalculating!” instead of cussing myself out and reaffirming all the negative things people say to and about me or imply by the eye rolls and the snickers (not the candy bar…I like the snickers candy bars!  :p)  Should be an interesting change in perspective.

Advertisements

One thought on “Break through!

  1. Woah! I caught my name on here…I had to do a double take. LOL
    Thank you so much for reading!

    You are absolutely right. It’s time to shut down the negative committee that is meeting in your brain. Retrain them or hell…fire them and find yourself a new team that will inspire, motivate, and remind you of your self worth.

    You are more precious then rubies. Proverbs 3:15

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s