Monthly Archives: May 2016

Damn is just Nmad backwards

I’m feeling very silly.

I have noticed a trend.  When I goof up, I think it is because deep down, I do not deserve success and that the universe suspends its laws when I’m involved.  Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep, do meaningful work, and you will naturally gravitate to your ideal healthy weight.  Unless it’s ME!  Then it is Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep, do meaningful work, eat 1 potato and BOOOM!  OBE comes to visit.  Yes, I named my fat.  His name is Obe (like obese see?) and he giggles at me.  I probably mentioned this in an earlier post.   Saturday, I weighed at the gym.  I have been a good girl.  *Pats self on head*  *Obe giggles at me again*  I’m at 212.  When I started this blog, I was at 203 and determined to get below 200.  I got back into the gym, started keeping a food journal and an exercise journal.  I obsessed about being my ideal weight.  I did that green diet where you can eat anything you want as long as it was green.  I have been eating 1/2 the carbs I used to, and it’s 1/2 because I’m told fruit is ok.  I allow myself 1 potato a month.  I can have 1/4 cup of rice or 1 slice of bread or 1/2 cup of noodles in a week.  If I have pizza, I can only have it on Wednesday so I can spend Thursday and Friday trying to exercise and starve it out of me.  And I GAINED weight.  The fact is, I’m a failure.  I’m the worst human specimen on the planet.  I’m useless and fat and…

Wait?  Stop!  For nearly 50 years I’ve been teaching my students that if you don’t reach your goals, it’s not due to a character flaw.  It is a mistake that you can correct and learn from.  And yet, there I am making it a character flaw.  Why does this come up?  Because I’ve had to teach that lesson 4 times in 2 days.  “I can’t remember names.”  Of course you can.  It is just not something you want to expend the time and focus to get good on.  You CHOOSE to forget names.  You are successful at that.  “I always miss that 4th finger in the scale!”  No, it is just not something you have spent time and effort on to fix.  It doesn’t mean that much to you so you label it a flaw and get on with your life.  ??!!  Oh?  you did spend time and effort on it?  Then why isn’t it fixed?  BECAUSE YOU TOLD YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE!  Congratulations, you have succeeded.  What did you say when you missed it?  “I always miss that 4th finger!  Danged hand.  What a stupid student I am.”  And that helped you how?  Your new script is this, “Huh, isn’t that interesting?  Let’s circle this and fix it.”  Then you will go about associating the correct finger for that note, and when you have solved the problem, you will erase the circle and say, (out loud!) “I always get that fingering right now!  Listen to this!  Isn’t it lovely?  I am such a good student!”  How does that apply to me now?

When I have problems with my exercise, diet, and weight, I will need to say, “Isn’t that interesting?”  Start from here and move forward.  BECAUSE…

You can’t Hate yourself Happy

You can’t Criticize yourself Thin

You can’t Shame yourself Worthy.

Real change begins with self-love and self-care.

Psalm 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

How can you hate something God has created wonderfully?  How can you hate what God loves?

So instead of giving myself character flaws, (and really!  why would you have to find more flaws?!!!) I should be amazed at God’s creation and treat it with the reverence and respect it deserves.  All those jokes…”Hahaaaa!  you have a six pack?  I have a keg!!!” “I’m in shape…round is a shape”  “Of course you’re cold!  You’re not properly insulated!”  “If your body is a temple, mine is a cathedral!”  “You said that if I wasn’t growing, I was dying!  Well I’m twice the woman I was!”  The underlying thought is that I am mistreating my self and then blaming this on a character flaw, and then laughing about it.

I won’t be so arrogant to assume that I can change this mindset over night, but I have been teaching it for 50 years, so maybe I’ll internalize it now?  (Immediately I picture myself eating it with a potato and gaining another pound.)  This may take some time.

Ow is just Wo backwards

What the heck does that mean?!!!!

Sunday, I went to a Renaissance Faire, and I had to walk a lot just to get to the front gate!  But I had my running (hahaha) tracker on so I would get credit for the…huh?  what do you mean location services not enabled?!  YOU MEAN that ALL OF THAT WALKING FROM THE CAR DIDN’T EVEN COUNT STEPS?!!!!   Sigh.  It doesn’t matter what it tracked because I’m getting a benefit, she says with gritted teeth and a fake smile.  Monday, I was sunburned and short on time and sore from the walk.  Tuesday, I went to my training with my hubby.

My son believes my trainer is a drill sergeant with a migraine.  We are doing a cardio circuit.  We start out with a modest amount of activity, 15 lat pulls on the machine and 15 elbow to knee touches while standing.  We now have our heartbeats up above 100.  She leads us over to the elliptical machines and we set them on ramp 5 and resistance 5 and go as hard and as fast as we can for 1 min.  For me, that’s 170-180 strides per min.  Take a drink and then do the lat pulls and elbow to knee touches again.  The 2nd time we go to the elliptical, we do a min on resistance 10 for a min.  I’m at 160 to 170 strides per min.  3rd time’s a charm, do the lat pulls and elbow to knee touches.  3rd time to elliptical at lvl 15.  I can only do about 130-150 at that resistance.  End of phase 1

Phase 2:  15 Chest presses at 30 pounds for me, followed by 15 knee raises with hands going up from shoulder at the same time.  (Demented raise the roof dance step…)  Then we go back to the elliptical at resistance 5.  Repeat the chest presses and knee raises, then go to resistance 10.  Repeat and go to resistance 15.  We are now a lovely cherry-red in the face and sweating like sweaty people.

Phase 3:  15 bicep curls at 25 pounds, and 15 triceps extensions at 30 pounds.  It should be followed by the elliptical exercises at 5, 10 and 15 resistance, but hubby and I absolutely cannot walk over to the machines by this point.

This is where the Wo comes in.  It should be spelled Whoa! but then it wouldn’t be Ow backwards would it.  Hubby falls asleep about 9:30,  and I go to bed before midnight!  This is 3 days in a row I’ve gone to bed that early.  The effect of this training, the extra sleep, and Sunday’s walk is that slowly I’m beginning to think this is going to work.  I feel energized and want to take another walk, accept a bigger challenge in my studies, take on 20 more students, take over the world!  I need to find a mouse named Pinky to be my minion.  The more effort I expend, the less resistance to expending the effort I experience.  Isn’t that interesting?  Is this true for every physical, mental, and spiritual endeavor?  One could argue for that.  Is there any empirical evidence to support this hypothesis?  I would certainly be interested in finding out!

I will update you on my weight progress on Saturday.

Worthy goals

I have had some serious thoughts lately about goals.  Goals are very hard for me.  I actually set very few goals because, why bother?  I can set as many goals that I want, but if they involve other people, I won’t reach them.  If I set a personal goal, it always gets to the place where I question my motives.  I can do A and B and C!  *pats self on back* And then the “realization” pops in:  what stupid things to be good at!  I can do 39 push-ups, 90 crunches and am stronger than I look.  Who cares?  I can play every instrument in the orchestra, the drum kit, the piano and I also can sing.  I sightread really well and can transpose on the spot.  So what?  I can analyze contracts, do market trending research, work out budgets and investment recommendations and not break a sweat.  Who would want advice from you?  I can teach anything.  Who would want to learn anything from you?  Sigh.

So I was watching a video on why people don’t reach goals, and one of the points the speaker made was not if I was good enough, smart enough, industrious enough, ambitious enough or resourceful enough to reach the goal.  The point was if the goal was worthy of me.  That was completely backwards!  A friend of mine posted a new message on her blog that said, “In a society that PROFITS from your self doubt, Liking yourself is a rebellious act!”  Before mass communication (before blogging, internet, twitter, Facebook, telephone, tv, radio) if you were trying to measure up to others’ standards you were wasting your time.  Standards were standards.  Are you a person of integrity?  Do you have a good work ethic?  Are your values displayed in your life?  These are not the standards we see now.  Are you a person of relative integrity?  Can you get paid without working?  Values change too much to adhere to for any length of time, do you offend anyone?  Are your shoes up to date?  Do you look like a model?  Do you have the right phone/computer/tablet/house/car/entertainment center?  Does anyone know how much debt you’re carrying?  Do you sweat–you’re not supposed to… Is your hair the right color, style, or length?  Is it too straight or too curly?  Does your house smell like flowers?  Do you cook like a gourmet?  Can you perform surgery on any surface in your house?  And here’s the latest picture of you and a celebrity at an exotic location.  And here’s your latest thoughts on everything you’re experiencing right now in 140 characters or less.  We over-communicate.  What does the deodorant you use have to do with your work ethic?  Why does everyone have to know the most intimate details of our lives?  They don’t.  We are made to feel inferior, chastised for not measuring up.  Our society does not tolerate diversity.

You heard me correctly.  It is ok for someone to be perceived as a person that is different in culture, religion, physical characteristics, but if they do not ACT exactly the same, there’s something wrong with them.  Consider an elementary classroom.  How diverse are these children?  Some sit in their chairs and listen dutifully to the teachers.  Some daydream.  Some play pranks.  Some misbehave.  Only 5% of the students will be attentive and sit quietly drinking in everything the teacher says and does.  Yet we require that 100% of them do exactly that.  It doesn’t matter what culture they come from, or their physical differences, or their home life, or their mental age, or their learning style.  If they don’t conform, we drug them or put them into special programs.  It is the same in body image. “We love you just the way you are!  Now go to the store and shop in the corner of the store where we have the awnings, um tents, um clothes that might hide your imperfections because all women should wear a size 2.” We don’t endeavor to reach our ideal weight because it feels good, helps us live longer, gives us more energy, and allows us to enjoy life.  We do this because we don’t conform to what our society says we should look like.

We set goals because we’re expected to.  We focus on accomplishing the goal and getting onto the next one.  The point of the goal is NOT to GET to the goal.  It is the person you must become in order to reach it!  If your goal does nothing for you, it’s a task.  You need to evaluate how much you are worth.  Given your education, experience, knowledge, insight, and skills, what is your time worth?  Is your goal worth the period of time in your life you have to give up to reach it?  You are trading your precious time and resources for this goal.  Is it worth the sacrifice?  What will accomplishing this goal do for you?  for your community?  for your family?  Will this goal add value to you?  You cannot pass on value to someone if you don’t have it yourself.  What kind of person do you have to grow into in order to reach this goal?  If the goal is worth your time and resources, if it is worth the sacrifice, if it grows you and adds value to you, you most likely will accomplish it.

Go on from here

I have been to 2 conferences in as many weeks.  One was informative and fun, the other was inspiring and amazing and fun.  The conference this week was in Branson, MO at the Chateau on the Lake resort.  There were 16 states represented there and hundreds of ladies involved.  I asked my roommate what inspired her most, and she said, “I have to stop being so lazy.”  How is that an inspiration?!  Another said she had to get to work and quit being fearful.  Another said, “I just wish I could have more confidence in myself.” This doesn’t sound inspired.  I thought to myself, “I cannot let circumstances beyond my control put limits on my thinking and activity.”  All of these statements are negative.  To review, the quote was:  “You can’t hate yourself happy, you can’t criticize yourself thin, and you can’t shame yourself worthy.  Real change comes with self-love and self-care.”  And yet, we expressed our inspirations in precisely those terms.  We criticized ourselves, we shamed ourselves, and we hated ourselves for our past short comings.

What we should have done was couched those changes in a positive manner!  Instead of saying she should stop being lazy, she would think, “I need to see opportunity everywhere and act on it immediately!”  Instead of wishing away the fear, she would think, “What’s the worst that can happen?  I will work in spite of my discomfort, because each time I succeed, I get less fearful.”  The 3rd lady would have thought, “I will endeavor to be BOLD!” instead of wishing for more self confidence.  I will think, instead, of being resourceful enough to think and act regardless of circumstances.  We all need to look for the positive aspects in our futures instead of reacting to the negatives in our past.  I think the most crippling thought process we have is that every failure, every mistake, every misstep is considered a character flaw.  It seems that every individual act puts us in a box. It categorizes us as something less than perfect and sets the description as a permanent flaw that you should be aware of, as should all of humanity, for your own good. If you are proud of an accomplishment, you are a narcissist.  If you are not proud of an accomplishment, you have false modesty.  If you play a B flat instead of a B, you are inattentive, lazy bum that never practices and will never amount to much in the music world.  If you miss a sale, you are hopelessly incompetent.  If someone quits, it’s your fault.  If every time you say or do something, you are categorized, put into a box and mailed to the appropriate agency to get you fixed, do you do or say anything?

It’s time we realize that mistakes and accidents happen.  They wouldn’t be mistakes and accidents if they could be avoided by seeing into the future and analyzing every single thought and word and deed before they became a permanent description of our inadequate character.  Humans are sinful, flawed creatures.  They’re supposed to make mistakes and have foibles and short-sighted decisions.  Those are reflections on our nature, but not our character.

So in conclusion, when I eat something I shouldn’t or don’t go to the gym or take a walk when I should, it’s not a character flaw.  It’s a decision that I consciously make and one I will have to make in the future.  Which means, the next time I have to make this decision, I can choose the right one.



Cursing comes from the scales in the bathroom.  Wall banging.  Stomping.  “All I did was eat 1 potato!  One little potato smaller than my fist!  Baked!  Salted!”  Those sneaky bastids.  275 calories, 63 g of carbs!!!!!  My limit for carbs is 90/day. So if I have an apple at 116 calories, I have 30 more g of carbs and I’m maxed out.  I can have 1200 cal per day so I still have 800 more calories, but I can’t eat any more carbs.  So no carrots or celery or melon, or grapes or broccoli.  Just meat.  800 calories of just meat.  YOU CAN’T WALK OFF CARBOHYDRATES.  I could have 2 slices of bread and it would be less than 1 potato.  GAAAAAAAHHHHH!  I could go for the rest of the day without eating, and zip off to the gym and do cardio for 2 hours and weight lifting for an hour but because I had 1 potato, I will gain weight.  1 cup of rice would be 2/3 the carbs of 1 potato.  Pasta has fewer carbs than a potato.

Starvation subsistence foods in very poor countries consist of things that are high carb–rice, bread, potatoes, corn–all very starchy. The protein was hard to get because usually it was bigger than you and had teeth and claws and horns and ran faster than you.  Most of these staples were grain based–wheat, barley, corn, rice, because they were easy to plant and harvest and you harvested in multiples of what you planted.  AND, it had no teeth, claws or horns and couldn’t run away.  Imagine if you planted 100 grains of wheat and only harvested 100 grains.  Wheat knows that not all its “children” are going to live to maturity, and allows for unsuitable soil, birds and other predators, bad weather, drought, so it multiplies itself when it matures by as many times as it can to ensure that the wheat family will continue.  (Wheat doesn’t know anything doofus!  Wheat has no brain!  I’m sorry, I had a potato, I’m not thinking straight!)

We now have supermarkets where we can catch trout, buffalo, pigs, cows, chickens, turkeys, the odd yak…  No hunting required!  No making spears and lying in wait in the tall grass!  Woohoo!  I can go shoe shopping!  Instead of taking hours to gather enough grains to pound into powder and make into something we can eat, we get bags of flour.  Instead of checking to see if the food is ripe before we can eat it, we have it shipped in from Florida and Texas and California.  Finding and preparing food is easy!  And even so, we want to have someone else make it.  DING!  Restaurants!  and Fast Food!  and Pot Luck dinners in the basement of the church!  We don’t need the starvation subsistence foods because we’re not starving.  BUT we crave them because deep deep (really deep) in the back of our minds, there is something asking, “What if we run out of food tonight?”  That’s why there are a million recipes for potatoes, pasta, rice and bread.  Every meal includes carb laden items.  All the far eastern dishes include some form of rice or noodles.  We think meat and ___________, that’s right potatoes.  The natives of the land were largely animal fed.  1 large animal could feed a community for days.  To stretch out the time the food would last, it was combined with whatever could be gathered and processed.  The plants gathered could be stored with minimum spoilage and used in between hunting expeditions.  But when they started planting food, they had to stay put to harvest it and couldn’t follow the food source around.  When the harvest was done, you had to wait another year for the next harvest so it had to be planned out.  How much do I need for a year of food?!  If only we could keep meat animals here on the acreage and they didn’t eat all our subsistence plants!  Oooh, ducks, geese, chickens, sheep, goats, fish!  DANG that cow eats a lot!

So in order to eat a balanced diet, get the exercise we need, we need to revert to temporary housing and follow herds around.  I love camping, but I’m not ready to live in a tent and move every 3-4 days.  Where would I plug in my computer?

Note to self:  NO POTATOES before writing blog!