Immeasurable progress

Getting a broken hip is a very VERY inefficient way to lose weight.  It does tend to make you less hungry, and satisfies you sooner when you are eating…

I decided I was going to go to Orlando for a live event that would get me a professional speaking certification.  Left at 6 am on Monday, got to St. Louis about 7:30, then got to Orlando about 11.  Took the shuttle bus to my hotel–Marriott World Center and jumped off the shuttle with my 2 bags.  I took the revolving door and went in butt first because my hands were full.  When I got to the opening, I turned to get out.  It wasn’t the opening.  It was very clean glass.  About the time I was saying, “hmmm, this isn’t ri…” the following door ran me over and knocked me to the floor.  My leg didn’t work.  I knew I’d broken it.  I scooted out of the way and the security folks called an ambulance.  I could see the registration desk from my position at the door.  Sooooooo close.  Each new security person got to hear my woeful tale of how I ended up on the floor with a broken hip.  “How do you know it’s broken?”  “Because this is what it felt like the LAST time I broke my hip!”  I got a couple of selfies going into the ambulance.  I was transported to Celebration Hospital.  The name was curious.  Turns out it is a children’s hospital which might explain a few things.  Most of us picture Orlando and Miami and the rest of those places as a mecca for retired people.  The average age is 34?!  Where are the geezers?  Turns out, it takes a lot of millenials to take care of geezers.

The most painful thing about a broken hip is not the actual accident.  It is moving the patient around to find out what damage has been done.  At the hotel, they had to move me from my sitting position to the gurney.  About that time, without an xray or any other type of diagnostic machine, I could have told them EXACTLY where the break was  (at a very high pitched and high volume utterance I might add).  They rolled me to my good hip, then put a sheet under me.  They then tried to lift me onto the back board.  YEOWWWWW! I wasn’t sufficiently high off the ground when the jammed the back board under me. They got me to the gurney by way of the back board and then into the ambulance where I spent a very bumpy 15 miles getting to the ER.   It is now just after noon.  About 2 pm, they took me to the x ray room.  They were going to have to move me from the gurney, which was a foam mattress on wheels, to a smooth, slick table.  There were 2 tiny technicians.  I was aghast.  I said, “I weigh more than the both of you put together!”  They laughed and replied, “No you’re not!  We’re professionals, you have nothing to worry about.  Why I’m 105 and she’s 113.”  Now I’m seriously alarmed.  “You just proved my point!  I weigh more than the 2 of you put together!”  They smiled sweetly and grabbed the sheet I was lying on, told me to hug myself and pulled me 1/2 way on to the table.  I flinched!  Massively!  Hands and legs flew out so I could catch myself.  It was excruciating.  My bad leg remained in the air (I really don’t know how!) and I couldn’t relax it enough to get it to the table.  I kept saying, “I can’t put my leg down!  It won’t go!  You have to put my leg down!”  One grabbed my ankle to stabilize the leg.  (Bad idea!)  That really hurt, because there was no support under the knee and the leg was locked in panic.  I couldn’t relax it.  They got me moved  on the 2nd try.  It took an additional 2 or 3 minutes to get my injured leg down onto the table, and I finally relaxed it enough to uncramp it. They get all the pictures and now they have to move me back to the gurney.  I’m not enthusiastic.  So I’m thinking to myself, “Self?  This is Orlando!  Don’t they do about 100 hip surgeries a day here with all the boomers?  Why aren’t they better at this?”  There are about 300k hip replacements every year, and then there are broken hips and knees as well.  But apparently not at the Children’s Celebration Hospital.  Now they move me back to the gurney and it was slick, efficient and nearly painless.  I am surprised.  They roll me back into the ER.  The ER has decided to send me to Florida Hospital Orlando, their sister hospital that focuses on orthopedics.

They decide to do a CT scan before I go, and they have 4 big guys move me this time.  I asked for a forklift.  The CT scan table is shaped like a curved mattress sort of a tube to go into the scanner.  Once again, extremely painful going over.  Yes, again I am asked to hug myself.  Again I flinch and the leg goes up.  They tell me to relax my leg and if looks could kill, the CT machine would have been a ooey, gooey mess.  I feel a bit shocky and dizzy.  It takes a while for the pain to settle and I feel all crookedy on the table.  The curve on the sides is most uncomfortable.  I whine like a puppy.  The scan is finished and now it’s time to move me back.  NATURALLY when they move me back, I don’t clear the edge of the mattress on the gurney and it folds up on me.  They have to jostle me to straighten out the mattress.  I am practicing my Lamaze breathing so I don’t cry.

About 6:30, they come to get me to move me to the other hospital.  I have had 2 shots of morphine since this process started this morning.  At the ER, the nurse came in to establish an IV.  “Your veins are very deep!”  Meaning you’re too dam fat for us to find any blood supply.  She poked and poked and poked to no avail.  “I’m going to leave now, and cry a bit and get someone in here that knows what they’re doing.”  So male nurse comes in, and determines that I need the 22 gauge needle (which is small!) and finally taps in.  Takes some blood.  Then, when I get over to the Ortho hospital, they decide I need 2 more…one in each hand.  Those, they explain, are “innies”  that we put meds into you with (and it takes an average of 2 nurses and 4-6 pokes per IV). They come back to withdraw more blood.  They have to start a 4th IV! Because you cannot do outies with an innie IV.  Argh.  In comes Kathy, my angel of mercy tonight.  I ask her if I could have something to eat since it is now after 9 pm and have not had anything since leaving my house at 4:30 that morning.  She gets me 2 chicken salad sandwiches and informs me I will have nothing after midnight so they can operate tomorrow.

Woohoo!  I’ve lost 2 pounds!


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