The ULTIMATE WORKOUT!

I’M GOING TO BE RICH!  I CAN SELL THIS ON THE INTERNET AND HAVE INFOMERCIALS AT 2 AM AND VIDEOS AND CELEBRITY SPONSORS AND EVERYTHING!

IT IS:  (dat dat DAHHH) THE CRUTCH WORKOUT!

Here’s how it works.

Pick a leg, any leg (preferably your own)  Dub it “injured.”  Put a red x on it or pin or tape up your pant leg but what ever you choose, you can only use this leg for balance.  You cannot put weight on it.  This throws your center of gravity wayyyyy off.  You will now get muscle pains in muscles you didn’t know you had.

Get crutches.  Not those wimpy aluminum kind, the Wooden ones!  You might have to go to a Salvation Army or garage sale.  They are heavier and guaranteed to make you really work.  Adjust them properly.  The top of the crutch is not for weight bearing, it is for control. The top of the crutch should be about 2″ below your arm pit.  Adjust your hand bars so that your arms are slightly bent when holding them.  You put ALL your weight on your hands, especially the heels of your hands.  Place your hands so that the heel of your hand is in the middle of the handle and your index finger curls around the upright.  That adds extra control.

You CANNOT move anywhere or do anything without the crutches.  You have to be resourceful.  If you cannot cook and move the food to your table, you don’t eat.  If you cannot carry a water bottle, you have to drink at a sink or a fountain.  No fast food, you can’t carry a tray.  You cannot drive with your bad leg.  You do not have a handicap designation.  You must traverse evil parking lots and learn how to do stairs and stand and sit (even on the toilet) without causing your “injured” leg to accidentally help you.  Are you up for the challenge?

When you have done this for 6 weeks, change legs.  Mwahahahahaaaaaaa.

You will have forearms like Popeye, Triceps like Jon Cena, a good leg like Arnold Schwartzenegger, and your “injured” leg like a noodle.

I went from 213 to 206.5 in 5 weeks.  Of course my hip is actually broken.  I am getting weird cramps in my good hip from change in center of gravity however.  I have blisters under my callouses on my hands.  I also have an extra 2.5 pounds of hardware in my leg.  Of course this work out is going to cost you.  You need to send me $5000 for the full and complete plan with the videos and the drawings and you get a Free set of wooden crutches with each order.  (My hospital bill for the broken hip was $82,000 so what you’re paying is really a bargain!!!!!)

Just send your check and your social security number and your bank routing number and your mother’s maiden name and the name of your 1st pet to…

 

Logic?

Aug 15, I fell and broke my hip.  I am a tough old bird, but I know I’m not the only one that has had to deal with some of these illogical situations!  I’m mad as a wet hen.

Rule #1  If you’re going to have an accident, have it within 2-3 miles of your primary care physician and your orthopedic surgeon.  If you don’t, follow up will be a night mare.

Rule #2  Get a permanent Handicap Parking Sticker or card or something on your license plate NOW.

Let’s deal with Rule #2 1st.  You can’t GET a permanent handicap sticker/tag/license on your car if you are not permanently handicapped.  HOWEVER, if you need a temporary card, don’t you need it as soon as you incur the injury?  You need it because it hurts to sit or stand or walk or wave or carry things.  You need it because you’re weak from disease or injury and walking from the nearest parking spot may end up being a 15 min aerobic exercise.  And when do you need it?  Sooner the better, right?  It has now been 5 weeks since my injury, and I do not have a handicap window card or sticker or whatever they give you.  5 weeks of riding in a wheel chair with no shocks across parking lots and up curbs causing jarring to my injured hip.  5 weeks walking from the car to the handicapped stalls at rest areas on crutches or a walker until my arms burn and my blisters on the heels of my hands send shooting pains with every step.  5 weeks of parking as close as I can to the entrance of a business and then having someone park so close to me that I can neither squeeze between the vehicles or open the door to get in and I have to wait for that person to move their car/truck on legs that are now cramping up and arms that are shaking with fatigue.  Why can’t doctor’s offices have the parking placards and just inform the DMV who has them?

Now let’s look at the location of your accident.  I was injured in Florida.  I went to an emergency room where they didn’t know me or have my records.  I then was transported to an orthopedic hospital that was not connected to my original orthopedic surgeon’s group.  After spending 5 days driving home, I find that my orthopedic doctor will not take walk ins.  How am I a walk in?  He did the surgery on me the last time my hip broke.  OHHHH, I need a referral because I didn’t make an appointment to see him for surgery and didn’t come home immediately and wait to get on his list so that he could look at my injury in NOVEMBER!!!!! And I didn’t ask him for a referral in Florida.  I’m not sure how this works, but I AM sure nobody really does.  All I need is to find out if I am, in fact, healing.  Turns out, my Gen Practitioner needs to send an operation report (which he didn’t have) and x-rays (which he also didn’t have) to the orthopedic doctor.  I could have handed the ortho doc the disk, but he won’t look at it unless it comes from the GP.  I was informed that I cannot do ANY PT until the ortho doc gives me the OK.  So, I’m trying to walk and get on with my life, and because I’m probably doing something incorrectly, my lower back above my good hip is in constant near-cramp and I can’t sit, stand, or sleep and haven’t for several days.  My left (injured) leg is very weak and I am now getting cramps in calves of both legs.  Due to the pain, I cannot stretch them out and cannot bend over to even rub them.

Will you guys PLEASE GET YOUR *&$%^%$%#@#$$%^^^ TOGETHER?!!!!

Immeasurable progress–the hospital strikes back

Woohoo!  Breakfast today!  Egg, sausage, applesauce, toast, tea.  I can get up to go to the bathroom today!  TADAAAAAA!

1.  Pull self into sitting position using trapeze
2.  Use foot lifter to get bad leg off bed, and turn toward side of bed.
3.  Scootch to edge of bed and grab for walker.  Gently slide onto good foot.
4.  Have nurse accompany me to bathroom, negotiate the turn around, grab the support bars
5.  Sit crooked on toilet!

Nurse accompanies me back to bed where I sit on the edge of the bed and try to scootch backwards so I don’t fall off, then throw my good leg up, grab the trapeze with my l hand and use the foot lifter to get my bad leg back in bed.

Take a 45 min nap to recover.  My youngest daughter is coming to visit me today from Virginia.  Finally!  someone I know!  Then surprise, surprise, my friends, the Petersens show up!  They’re from Tampa and they drove down to visit me.  How WONDERFUL!  They’re such good people.  They both look really great, and they were so cheerful and encouraging.  Time just flew by!

My daughter showed up later.  I apparently need to order dinner to get dinner, so I ordered turkey and sides.  It wasn’t bad.  My daughter was sitting there crocheting and we talked and laughed and watched  Animal Planet.  It was sure good to have family.  The nurse came in and asked if I was ready to check out tomorrow.  WHAT?!  I just walked for the 1st time today!  My husband and my oldest daughter won’t be here until Friday!  Where do I go from here?  Do I call a cab?  My youngest drives a Mazda!  “So you’re not ready to check out yet?”  Ya think?!  Now I’m all upset.  Husband calls from Paducah, KY, the car has broken down.  It won’t be fixed until Monday.  My daughters hash it out, and youngest says she can get me to her house and husband and oldest will meet us there.

I got a cramp in my leg and for some reason or other, every nerve in my swollen leg is touch sensitive.  After about 5 min of pain, a nurse comes in and massages it.  I didn’t know I could sing that high.  In the 1st place, it didn’t help, and in the 2nd place it felt that she was basically shredding every bit of muscle from my bones with demon claws.  Now she didn’t have long fingernails, so she wasn’t actually clawing me, but the pain was so intense that it felt sharp. Note to self, if you have a cramp, do the Mr. Miyagi thing and just heat up your hands and apply heat to affected area instead of rubbing.  I am taking many naps and trying to have a BM.  (It seems to have a big significance to the nursing staff.)  In addition, they have been giving me anticoagulants, by shot.  Hmmm?  Does that make any sense at all?

What a doofus, I didn’t order breakfast for tomorrow.  or lunch.  hmmm may be very hungry.  I’m still on the walker and am not moving very quickly anywhere.  I did take a walk up the hallway and back…42 feet.  Maybe 80 feet tomorrow.  I’m taking about 2-3 of the oxycodone every 6 hours.  I do not notice any change in the pain level after I’ve taken them, yet I continue.  Is it mind control?  *plays ominous music*