The ULTIMATE WORKOUT!

I’M GOING TO BE RICH!  I CAN SELL THIS ON THE INTERNET AND HAVE INFOMERCIALS AT 2 AM AND VIDEOS AND CELEBRITY SPONSORS AND EVERYTHING!

IT IS:  (dat dat DAHHH) THE CRUTCH WORKOUT!

Here’s how it works.

Pick a leg, any leg (preferably your own)  Dub it “injured.”  Put a red x on it or pin or tape up your pant leg but what ever you choose, you can only use this leg for balance.  You cannot put weight on it.  This throws your center of gravity wayyyyy off.  You will now get muscle pains in muscles you didn’t know you had.

Get crutches.  Not those wimpy aluminum kind, the Wooden ones!  You might have to go to a Salvation Army or garage sale.  They are heavier and guaranteed to make you really work.  Adjust them properly.  The top of the crutch is not for weight bearing, it is for control. The top of the crutch should be about 2″ below your arm pit.  Adjust your hand bars so that your arms are slightly bent when holding them.  You put ALL your weight on your hands, especially the heels of your hands.  Place your hands so that the heel of your hand is in the middle of the handle and your index finger curls around the upright.  That adds extra control.

You CANNOT move anywhere or do anything without the crutches.  You have to be resourceful.  If you cannot cook and move the food to your table, you don’t eat.  If you cannot carry a water bottle, you have to drink at a sink or a fountain.  No fast food, you can’t carry a tray.  You cannot drive with your bad leg.  You do not have a handicap designation.  You must traverse evil parking lots and learn how to do stairs and stand and sit (even on the toilet) without causing your “injured” leg to accidentally help you.  Are you up for the challenge?

When you have done this for 6 weeks, change legs.  Mwahahahahaaaaaaa.

You will have forearms like Popeye, Triceps like Jon Cena, a good leg like Arnold Schwartzenegger, and your “injured” leg like a noodle.

I went from 213 to 206.5 in 5 weeks.  Of course my hip is actually broken.  I am getting weird cramps in my good hip from change in center of gravity however.  I have blisters under my callouses on my hands.  I also have an extra 2.5 pounds of hardware in my leg.  Of course this work out is going to cost you.  You need to send me $5000 for the full and complete plan with the videos and the drawings and you get a Free set of wooden crutches with each order.  (My hospital bill for the broken hip was $82,000 so what you’re paying is really a bargain!!!!!)

Just send your check and your social security number and your bank routing number and your mother’s maiden name and the name of your 1st pet to…

 

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