Le Sigh…

I know I’m not the only one that has these episodes.  I think to myself:

I’m smart…but not as smart as I think

I’m talented…but at things that don’t matter

I care…but not about things that do matter

I am well read…on books no one else reads

I am persistent…with things that don’t last

I am patient…when I shouldn’t be

I am impatient…when I shouldn’t be

I keep getting up…when I should stay down

Why did God give me these gifts?  I only misuse them.  I have “I’ve Got it from here” syndrome.  I have such and such interest, so I will learn as much as I can about it and use it to the best of my ability.  Then a I fail–publicly, horrifically, and irreparably.

I thought I was a musician.  I did things none of my teachers thought I could do.  I really exceeded their expectations.  I was the 1st person in the history of my college to test out of both semesters of ear training.  I played a Strauss horn concerto for one of my brass class solos when everyone else played a Middle School or Grade School solo.  I played the Star Spangled Banner in 4 keys in 4 different arrangements for my piano proficiency test when the others could only play what they’d memorized.  I hid nursery rhymes in my music theory compositions.  In addition to playing every orchestral/band instrument, I also sing and have perfect pitch.  I also play recorder, guitar, and bass guitar as well as drum kit.  I also play some instruments nobody has ever heard of.  Sooo, I thought to myself, I should be a music teacher.  I got fired from every public and parochial music teaching job I had.  I got fired from the church choir jobs I had.  Nobody will play or sing the music I write.  I only teach on the individual level now.  My impact is minimal.

I thought I was a cook.  At one point, I was able to cook 6 different omelettes at once.  My crew was the fastest back line in any of the fast food joints I worked at.  It was another thing I was good at that really wasn’t important.  At one store, when I did the food inventory and actually counted the product and the waste rather than using the computer generated list and adding or subtracting 1/2 a case of this and 4 of that, the store was off by 7 cases of meat and 14 cases of fries…$7000 difference, and I was blamed for the theft.  The district manager was called to the store and he and I did the inventory together, and he believed that I had sold the food out the back door and pocketed the money.  So it didn’t matter how fast and efficient we were in the kitchen or how well the food was produced and served.

I thought I was guru on finance.  I had my series 6/63 investment license which was for mutual funds on the client level, my series 26 which was the supervisory license for investments and allowed me to actually run an office if needed, and my series 65 which made me an investment adviser representative and put me in a very small group of brokers who could work with managed accounts.  I did $600,000 worth of trades in one month.  I am also licensed in several other types of financial products and I know how to integrate all these aspects into a comprehensive financial strategy.  I can’t convince anyone that I would be a good resource for financial advice–not even all my kids.

I thought I was well educated.  I have taught and tutored College level Statistics, Economics, Calculus, English Lit and Composition, High School Physics and Chemistry, Business Law and Contracts, Spanish, Renaissance Literature, History, and Trade.  I have a degree in Music Education and one in Business Administration.  Most people’s first impression of me is that I’m not very smart.

I thought I had some Leadership Skills.  I have a certification on Leadership with John Maxwell, All rights reserved 2017
www.ChristianDelRosario.comthe most revered name in Leadership with over 100 books published.  I can’t get seminars or groups or masterminds together to study leadership.  I scheduled a leadership seminar through my church and invited members of the church boards and pastors from all over the Omaha area and not one single person signed up–not even anyone from my own church.  I write a leadership blog that after 4 years only has 14 followers.  I have a certification in business and life coaching with Christian Simpson, Entrepreneur and Coaching expert, and I have no clients.

I thought I was a writer.  I have co-authored and published 3 books and have given them to my kids and personally have not sold a single copy.

I have absolutely nothing to offer that anyone in my community, my church, or my friends and relatives wants.  So, why do I have all these “talents?”  Maybe I don’t.  Maybe I’m deluding myself.  Dear Lord.  I’m dense.  Send me a freakin’ NEON SIGN telling me what I am supposed to do or be.  I’m 63 now and have been beaten and broken 1000’s of times.  Should I stay down?  I’m tired.  I don’t want to get up again.

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3 thoughts on “Le Sigh…

  1. I was stunned reading this piece. All of the things you can do… To me, it sounded impressive. VERY much so. And, my “talents” compare in comparison to yours, but I am also flabbergasted to know that they are not being used to their full potential. That the world does not appreciate it. That I COULD make the world a better place. That I COULD make an impact. But nobody wants to actually see it done. I’ve been encouraged to NOT be inquisitive, or overachieving.

    Here I went and made it about myself… Well, I just wanted to express that I understand what you feel and that you are not alone. Come to think of it.. it’s not much consolation…

    Like

    1. That’s why I prefaced my blog by saying “I know I’m not the only one who has these episodes.” We all go through times like this, and as frustrating as it seems, we keep trying. We keep investigating, we keep wondering, and we keep blogging. Love your stuff!

      Liked by 1 person

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