Kylo Ren has a problem.
Kylo is a master of the force; he has a big light saber with nasty hand guards that don’t apparently have any function; he has an unnatural fanaticism for his grandfather–Darth Vader; and he has a temper. Now you have to understand that in the end, Darth Vader killed the emperor/Sith Lord to save his son. He also gave up the Dark Side of the force and repented his evil ways. Kylo has murdered the Sith Lord, Snoke, because Snoke threatened the girl he had been having “force initiated” conversations. Someone called them Forceskype. He totally wrote off the fact that Darth Vader denounced the dark side, and Kylo prefers to be the all-powerful voice-enhanced, shirtless wonder of the dark side of the force. He’s all messed up. Leia and Luke, the people he knew had the force, did not exhibit temper tantrums, and cool Han, the force muggle, didn’t either. Vader, on occasion, would threaten violence in the form of a force choke hold, but until the emperor, he didn’t destroy property or murder people in a fit of pique. So how did he come upon this terrible behavior?
My theory is that when he was little, nobody gave him bubble wrap.
“No Kylo, you can’t have the candy, it will ruin your dinner!”
“Congratulations Kylo! You got an A- on the spelling test!” says the teacher
“An A MINUS?!”
“Which word did I miss? I’ll get it right in the spelling bee…”
“Kylo hurry up! You’ll be late for your Jedi classes with Uncle Luke!”
“I hate Jedi classes, and I don’t like Uncle Luke much either.”
“You want to have control over that force don’t you?”
“I guess. I’ll just get my shoes on. I’m coming.”
“Don’t forget to smile for your school picture!”
The thing is, there are so many times when if we had bubble wrap, the urge to kill, maim, fire bomb, or sing opera would simply fade away.
“Let’s create a planet killing Death Star!” *pop pop pop* “Or not…”
“Let’s destroy this whole village of Resistance supporters!” *pop pop pop* “or just take all their bubble wrap.”
“Luke, I am your…” *pop pop pop* “What on earth are you playing with boy? Pay attention to me when I reveal earth shattering news!” *pop pop pop* Darth cuts of Luke’s hand anyway.
What if Hitler had had bubble wrap? “Let’s invade Poland!” *pop pop pop* “Why am I hungry for loud breakfast cereal?”
Attila the Hun? “Ok, let’s just take these elephants over the Alps. They won’t be expecting us from…?? What’s that stuff? It looks like fun! *pop pop pop*
Demon to Devil, “Oh look! God has made humanity!”
“Well let’s see how we can mess this up. Hey Eve! You want this nice shiny delicious fruit?”
*pop pop pop*
*pop pop pop*
“Adam? Aren’t you just a smidge hungry?”
“Yo Eve baby! You got some more of that divine bubble wrap?”
“Ya hon. It’s over there by the monkeys.” *pop pop pop*
Every serial killer ever–
“I feel the urge… the urge to purge! There’s a like likely victim! Come here little girl…What do you have there?” *pop pop pop* “? Give me that.” *pop pop pop* Little girl skips down the street.
There’s something addictive about popping those little bubbles. It soothes the soul. It distracts the mind. It is destruction that doesn’t leave a mess. It is noise without pain. It’s just so darned fun! Think of the fun they could have at estate dinners! Think of the summit meetings! Think of the State of the Union Addresses! If the democrats had had any imagination, they would have put whoopee cushions in the seats so every time the president got the republicans to stand up, when they sat down… And the democrats would not have had to applaud, they’d just *pop pop pop* and the president would mistake it for applause. And if anyone didn’t like a particular part of the speech, they’d just start popping and drown it out. Think of the UN Security Council meetings. The Chair recognizes the esteemed representative from the Iranian Empire. *pop pop pop*
“Deputy Director of Operations, CIA, sir… we have found the terrorists!”
“What have you done?”
“We dropped 300 pounds of the small gauge bubble wrap on them.”
“Do the liberals know?”
“Doesn’t matter. We dropped 350 pounds of the bubble wrap on them about the same time.”
In conclusion, we can only speculate, but even our worst case scenario would suggest that the final tally would read: bubble wrap 1, Kylo Ren 0. Case closed.