Hi. I’m Batman. I’m a superhero.
The first step is to acknowledge I am powerless.
“Wait, What? You are powerless?”
Um that’s the 1st step…admit you’re powerless.
“You can’t be powerless, this is a Super Heroes Anonymous meeting. We all have powers.”
Really. I just have money and lots and lots of training…and bandages.
“I’m Oliver Queen, and I have lots of money and no powers.”
Well, that’s not exactly true, you lost all your money and you kill people (or killed people) so you’re just a vigilante and not a super hero.
“You killed the District Attorney…”
Just in the movie.
“Hi, I’m Mr. Incredible and this is my family, and I am powerless against my son Jack Jack…”
Oh shut up.
“I won’t. And you can’t make me…you’re powerless, period. And Queen? You think you can just go around killing bad guys because you’re a crack shot and green ninja? Super heroes put guys like you in prison.”
“I’ve been to prison…I got out.”
It doesn’t make you a hero.
“It does to the people I rescue.”
And what’s with all these names. You’re costume is not good enough to escape facial recognition…The Hood, the Arrow, the Green Arrow (whose bright idea was that?) Same guy, same costume, new ammo? Who names themselves after their weapons?
“Yup, and who names themselves after a rodent?”
“People, PEOPLE! It’s Mr. Batman’s sharing time. Don’t interrupt.”
Hi, I’m Batman, I’m a super hero.
(Mr. Incredible, Luke Cage, and Superman cough “bullshit”)
It’s been *checks obscenely expensive and complex watch* 2 hours and 35 min since my last intervention.
There was a couple arguing in the snack aisle of the convenience store. She told him she was going to throw the TV out the window if he bought any more of the caramel popcorn. He was buying snacks for the Gotham Giants game. I believed it was an unreasonable threat, so I used my bat-bolo to tie her up and leave her dangling from the ceiling. The guy bought the snacks, put them in his car and then came back to cut her down. He was laughing too hard to thank me, but I could see his gratitude in his eyes.
“So she was a super villain you needed to neutralize?”
She was threatening a Gotham citizen with an unreasonable punishment for a trivial crime.
“Isn’t that precisely what you did?”
Yup, so I immediately came to the meeting.
“I completely understand that. I intervened when a guy ran in to a Metroville Fan store before the Mets played last June and got blocked in. I lifted his car into traffic, but I didn’t have to tie up his wife, even though she was throwing insults at the guy.”
But she wasn’t threatening physical attacks.
“Mental abuse and physical abuse are still abuse. It can cause harm.”
“So Mr. Batman, what’s the longest you’ve gone between interventions?”
16 days, 12 hours, and 42 min.
“Good for you! What were the circumstances?”
I was in a coma.
*Jessica Jones smirks. Danny Rand almost does a face palm, but his hands are glowing and he thinks better of it.*
“What do you think triggers your interventions?”
*they all reply* “Any type of injustice.”
“So you’re going after the referees in the last football game?”
*they all reply* “Yes.”
Danny Rand adds, “and their families and their friends and their secret organization…the flags that they throw with their hands! You know there’s got to be a connection…”
“The Hand? We’ve been fighting the Foot!”
Shut up Leonardo.
“I’m Raphael, notice the bandanna?”
“Batman? Who’s your sponsor?”
“Hmmm, maybe not the best choice.”
It was better than Owl. At least Falcon isn’t nocturnal. Owl kept picking me up at the worst times. ‘Oh…I thought you were vermin!’ he’d say and laugh. Over and Over and Over. Where is Owl by the way?
“It’s only 4:00, he’s not up yet.”
“So I’m hearing you say that Owl was intervening in your interventions?”
Yes. Quite annoying. Especially when he dropped me and I wasn’t wearing my suit.
“Was that when…”
Yes, I was in a coma for the 16 days. He sent dead mice and crickets to my hospital room. I guess it freaked out the nurses.
“Wait, you tried an intervention without your suit? No weapons? No defenses?”
I can fight without my suit. Can you fight without your powers? I know Oliver can, we studied with the same teacher…
Danny Rand stands up, “I don’t need my fists to fight.”
Of course you do…what would you use? Your elbows?
“Not my glowing fists, just regular fists.”
Why would you turn off your power?
“I have to turn it on by using my Chi”
So you have a remote control?
“Shut up Danny. He will NEVER get it. And you can’t explain it without getting all misty eyed.”
*Danny sits down and sulks*
“Well, Mr. Batman, if you feel like you need to do an intervention, you know you can call your sponsor.”
*The Falcon licks his lips and rubs his hands together…*
Jessica Jones leans into Tony Stark and whispers, “I give him 3 hours tops. $100.”
Tony says, “Even odds…I’ll take your money. I’d guess no more than 2 hrs.”
Superman says, from across the room, “I heard that…”
Daredevil says, “So did I…”
Tony Stark stands up. “I have an important meeting to get to. Batman, you and I should do lunch sometime.”
“What are his powers besides money and tech?” asks Thor.
“It would have to be his enormous ego,” quips Dr. Strange.
“That’s it for this week. There’s coffee and danish in the back…”
3 thoughts on “SHA”
An entertaining piece.
I particularly liked the “Green Arrow” ridiculousness part.
There was much ridiculousness to be had!