So I have heard this 3 times in the last week.
Here’s the problem: I am simultaneously the smartest person in the room, and the least equipped to handle anything. The first thing people notice about me is that I’m not very bright, but I am very loud and annoying. No, the first thing people notice about me is my size, and they are shocked to find out I taught ballet. No, the first thing they notice about me is that I’m always talking. No the first thing they notice about me is I stand in a corner just watching. I am a dichotomy.
I agree with the person that said I needed help with the house and recommended a cleaning company. I think I’m going to do that.
I agree that I have a bad self image. I don’t know how to fix that, so I would need to find someone to help me with that. But see above…I’m always the smartest person in the room, even if I’m not. When my boy was having problems in school, we went to a therapist, and he learned how to say exactly what she wanted him to say. He thought it amusing. One of the sessions, I was required to go with him. She diagnosed me as Obsessive/Compulsive, Anal Retentive, and manic/depressive. This is after talking with me for about 20 min. I was shaking my head in disbelief. Then she sent him out and told me in no uncertain terms, “No wonder your kids are all messed up! You shouldn’t have had any! You should have been in therapy for decades before you had kids. It’s all your fault that your kids are useless.” Remember, smartest person in the room… I believed she was so set in blaming someone for the fact that she couldn’t figure out how my boy thought (because he was so much smarter than she). I met a family therapist that thought he could solve our family’s problems with 3 sessions. Tada!!! You’re normal! Well, if we were normal, why were we required to have therapy? Yes, again it was a requirement by the CPS. I must have rose-colored glasses and be completely deluded about the mental health of my kids. I couldn’t think of any kids that were as smiley and engaged as mine. I have since been informed that all of them were extremely depressed and couldn’t wait to get out of the house. (Oh? then why is one of them still in my basement?)
As you may have guessed, I do not like being categorized. I may have stressed this fact in this blog, and this one. Never-the-less, I know from working all the myriads of jobs I’ve done that most of the people will take the easiest, least complicated path in solving a problem and then blame you if it’s more complex than they can handle. I am fortunate to belong to a group of people who are very smart and in different ways. One has 2 PHD’s in the Sciences, and one in has a PHD in Human resources. One is gifted in the emotional arena, and one in the ability to read and understand people. 3 are amazing in computer programming. 2 of them are wise on the spiritual level. 1 is exceptional in communication. (That is good since we’re in the book writing business…) Where does that put me? I guess I connect all these various and sundry interests together. So when I need some advice in my psychological state, and I talk to a psychiatrist and this person doesn’t measure up to this level of intelligence and takes short cuts–putting me into a box that is entirely too small and ill-fitting, I get discouraged. I’m tempted to have a cattle call and have all the psychiatrists come to my office and give me their best shot so I can eliminate 3/4 of the incompetent people right off the bat. Ya, right.
As for the 3rd time someone told me I needed help, I have been on this stupid diet/exercise/pill/herbs/mental trip for 4 years and I’m about 5 pounds heavier than when I started and that’s when I thought I was 45 pounds too heavy. I’m going to try the Kathy Diet…forget to eat for a year.
New year’s resolutions? Stuff I can handle, 1 more DTM, done with 1 full path in Toastmasters, read 10 more books, work out 3 times a week for an hour, replace the front door and the bathroom, hire a cleaning service, find my office and change it into a real library so all our books are in the same room instead of scattered all over the house, and dispose of the bunk beds…my grand kids will never use them.
UPDATE: I got that Distinguished Toastmaster award, finished 1 4/5 paths in the new Pathways learning system, read 4 books, worked out 3 times a month. I did a COMPLETE renovation of the house…floors, walls, wallpaper, furnishings, curtains, got 4 new bookcases for my office library (6′ tall!!!), got a new front door and bathroom, threw out the bunk beds. We couldn’t get them out without dismantling them. Still haven’t found a psychiatrist I can work with. They’re all too quick to give me a label and they all make this diagnosis after asking the same 6 questions over and over. They’re all very shallow, superficial questions. You’d think they’d have to get into deeper more philosophical questions to understand me, but since I’m not very bright (see 1st paragraph) they can take short cuts. Gah!
5 thoughts on “You need HELP!”
1. A lot of people are uncomfortable with people smarter than them. It’s surprising to me, but I guess they feel intimidated, so they defend themselves whichever way they can.
2. “most of the people will take the easiest, least complicated path in solving a problem and then blame you if it’s more complex than they can handle” SOOO true.
You are not the only one who struggles to find the best route for mental health. It is important that you seek it because you want to, not just bc ppl say you should. You can’t heal your mind if you don’t think it needs healing.
And it sucks being the smartest person in the room. Especially when I came to the worrying realization that being the smartest doesn’t necessarily make me the best at everything. Being smarter doesn’t always guarantee that I know best. It’s really frustrating.
I am sad about the bunk beds, but you’re right. We won’t use them bc we aren’t having another kid and we got a crib that converts to a twin bed. Those bunk beds were such a huge part of my childhood, so many happy memories. But you shouldn’t hold on to them for pure nostalgia. If you donate them, then you know you’re helping a family in need make more happy memories, right?
I am tired of being frustrated with the disconnect between the way I look and the way I feel. I need to fix one or the other, and the body shape doesn’t want to be fixed…damned Obie (my sentient fat has a name you know…)
That’s why ppl go to therapy. It’s not bc the therapist is smarter. Sometimes you just need an informed outside perspective to help find solutions.
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