Silly Rant

Yes, I have been watching too much Monty Python.  I do have a rant, but it’s such a silly thing.  I keep expecting the British police to enter and tell me to stop.

I had a limited time to eat yesterday.  I went to my Bible Study, then to the gym and then home to work on some editing.  One hour later, I left to teach.  It is a 30-40 minute commute, and I taught one piano lesson for an hour and one voice lesson for about thirty minutes.  I had a choir rehearsal in that part of the town, and as it was now 6:30 and choir started at 7:15, I thought I’d stop and get some dinner since choir would last until about 8:30 with another 30-minute commute home.  I went to Dairy Queen.  Big mistake.

I ordered a bacon cheeseburger and fries.  It arrived fairly quickly, and I took my first bite.  A big blob of catsup leaked out of the back of the sandwich and landed squarely on my sweater.  I put down the sandwich and wiped as much as I could.  Picking up the sandwich for my second bite, a big glob of lettuce and mayonnaise fell out on my plate.  That was annoying.  I now had a sandwich, fries, and a mini-salad, and no fork.  I ate a fry and took a drink. This was a mistake because it allowed my bun to soak up more gooeyness.

I took my third bite, and all the bacon and pickle came out a and hung from my mouth as if I were eating Klingon Gagh.  (You’ll have to look that up.)  Putting down the sandwich to catch all that food hanging out, the bun stuck to my hand (because all the goo also leaked onto my hands) and now I had the hamburger, salad, and dressing on my plate all over my fries, and the bun stuck to my hand, and still no fork.  My plate looked like it had been attacked by a toddler who likes to mash up his food.

By the time I work up enough courage to take another bite, the bun has disintegrated into a wet, sloppy mess.  Attempting to put the sandwich together again is a futile exercise.  Now I have goo on my hands, catsup on my sweater, sandwich drippings on my pants and coat.  I pick up another fry and discover that my hands are slippery and, loaded with catsup, the fry tumbles from my hands and lands on my shoe.  I have used up 4 napkins at this point.

Of course, a side effect of goo is that should it remain on your hands more than 7 seconds, it becomes stickier.  When attempting to wipe your hands on the napkins, it shreds them and glues them inexorably to every surface–hands, face, table, coat, pants, and shoe.  I look like a cheap version of the mummy.   Now I must head to practice.

Dairy Queen:

1. You can make your buns out of sterner stuff

2. You can toast them

3. You can use lettuce that isn’t shredded, fewer toppings, and crisp bacon

Until that happens, I’m eating at Arby’s.

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