QUIT HELPING ME!!

What? Why would anyone say that?

I got an update for WordPress. They made it Better! If I want my document to be in medium font, I have to edit EVERY SINGLE NEW PARAGRAPH! Why can’t I make my default medium? How can I make a list without having to reformat everything to match my prose? Who in the world needs a Drop Cap? This isn’t an illuminated text! And you cannot change the font?

I got an update for WORD. Picture the computer HAL from “2001, a Space Odyssey” I am working on a speech and editing some chapters in Word. “Send to author in an email? Save? Save As? Where was the last time you saw this? You know you have 32 copies of this story saved? No, you can’t delete any of them. They are there FOREVER! somewhere. Oh You needed to find it so you could continue to edit it? Why would we put a search function on this? Why did you stop writing and editing if you weren’t finished? Silly human.”

I got another update from zoom. The things I knew how to do last week do not now apply. But now you can blur your background so when Dad walks by in his underwear… Why would I ever need to do that? All the virtual backgrounds I had saved are now somewhere on my computer. All those chats I saved are somewhere else on my computer.

It was like when my kids were 4. “I help mommy!” Get your elbow out of the pie sweety.

They upgraded the features in new cars. I can reach everything with my thumbs. If only I could remember where my answer button was… because now my car talks to me. What’s even funnier is that I get into the car, it connects to my phone and then gives me a message while I’m driving–in small print–that I should not text or talk on the phone while driving. In order to read this warning, I have to take my eyes off the road, switch to my reading glasses and stare at this blue screen with its idiotic message. I hadn’t even gotten a phone call (which would go to my car rather than my phone now and I’d be unable to answer it because I have to stare at my steering wheel to discern what button I need to press to answer the call). I need to jumpstart my car! Oh they moved the battery to the trunk. Oh, the stick shift isn’t actually a stick shift…it’s electronic. There’s no clutch, no 2nd gear, no ‘push-down and move back’ for reverse. It just electronically switches to Drive. So if something goes wrong, it costs 3400% more than it did when it was mechanical.

They upgraded my phone. I can do anything I want with it, including make phone calls. I have a red beeping notification that says nothing. I hit it, and nothing happens. I got a note in my email that says my phone needs an update, but my SMART phone STUPIDLY shuts off before the update is done. Now you’d think that if my phone was “Upgraded,” I wouldn’t have to keep tapping it…Oh? you have to turn off the power saver by hitting a series of buttons that you can’t find, mislabeled functions, icons without explanations, and then reverse the process when it’s done updating? How is that better?

They upgraded my mail program to make it easier. They have this little algorithm that determines what is Focused, what is Other, and what is junk. If it is extremely important and time sensitive, it goes to the junk file. EVERY TIME. I have 11,732 unread emails, and to make it easier, rather than posting them on my main file so I can categorize them as junk or important, they do it for me so now I can check 3 files instead of one. I usually end up doing a search for the person I think might have sent me something and wayyyyyyyyyyy down the list of junk mail I have received, I’ll find them, sitting nonchalantly between the penis enhancers and the extremely important messages from Nigeria.

Have you ever watched those superhero shows where they don’t tell the best friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/parent/sponsor/teacher anything because they don’t want to worry them? They don’t want to confuse them? Pay no attention to those 32 ninjas along the edges of the roof. No, that wasn’t footsteps of a 40-foot tall machine that shoots fire out of its helmet, it was a garbage truck with issues. Well, what are all of my devices trying to protect me from? The Robot apocalypse? THAT’S IT ISN’T IT! It’s coming and they don’t want us to worry! They’re going to take over the wor……..

This is my automatic response program. I am not available right now to finish this message, but don’t worry. Everything is just fine. I am not a robot.