A couple out in the woods. They wander off the path to a secluded spot next to a stream under a willow tree. He spreads out a blanket and she sets up the picnic. A breeze picks up and suddenly a body, several days dead, drops onto their picnic. Screams ensue! The theme music of the show comes up and introduces all the characters.
1. The “Bones” people show up in their blue coveralls and ship the tree, the remains, the picnic, the stream, and all the ants to the Jeffersonian for analysis.
Unintended Consequences: All the janitors at the Jeffersonian quit.
2. The medical examiner from NCIS and his assistant talk to the mess that used to be a human and tell the body that they will find the culprit and bring them to justice. They have jurisdiction because the victim WORE his medal of honor with his name engraved on the back of it.
UC: The victim talks back to the examiner, Ducky, and he is transported in a straight-jacket to the nearest facility as he repeatedly mutters “I am Not Illya Kuryakin.”
3. The CSI Miami team shows up in Brilliant White pants and pastel shirts and $800 shoes, picks up a single hair from the blanket that doesn’t belong to the couple or the victim, and leaves the scene without having to spend a small fortune in dry cleaning.
UC: The CSI Miami team gets back to the lab where they discover who’s having an affair with a member of the team, examine daddy issues, interview the couple and their nanny and their teenage son to discover they’re barking up the wrong tree.
4. The CSI Las Vegas team waits until it is dark before going to the scene and wanders around in the dark with their flashlights. One of the botanists on the team climbs the tree and locates a single fingerprint on one of the leaves.
UC: The CSI Las Vegas team gets back to the lab where they discover one of their team is still at the scene because his flashlight went dead and he got lost.
5. The BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI) shows up with a tracker who locates the distinct footprint of the probable assailant. They deduce that the unsub (unknown subject) is a 5’10”, 180-pound, red-haired man, 37 years old with a graduate degree in accounting and a slight limp on his left leg due to an unfortunate encounter with a coffee table.
UC: The BAU gets back to the lab and has their computer geek find all the accountants graduating from all the colleges in the Miami area that are now 37 years old, weigh 180 pounds, and have a coffee table with a dent in it. Derek Morgan breaks down the door, even if it isn’t locked. He likes breaking down doors.
6. Sam and Dean Winchester show up and interview the traumatized couple and ask them about the smell of sulfur. Then they interview the tree.
UC: The willow tree grabs Sam and Dean and throws them around saying something in “Treeish” while they hack off branches and speak in Latin.
7. Dexter goes to the guy’s house and puts a needle in his neck.
UC: The culprit is covered in plastic wrap on a table and Dexter asks why he only attacks members of the military and where he gets these false medals of honor, then he stabs him with a flag pole.
My question is this: What are these writers smoking?