All posts by ihavebetterthingstodo

About ihavebetterthingstodo

opinionated, quirky, old, and have a very strange sense of humor

An Evil sense of humor

I just watched a pitch for a “Smart House.”  It’s run by a Smart Phone ap.  Oooooooh the possibilities! Let me tell you about the features of this marvelous product.  It has camera access to every room in your house.  Oh really?  The bathroom?  It has 2 way communication so even kids without phones can contact you by ringing the door bell.  Oh, yes, there’s a camera in the door bell.  It keeps a log of everyone that has been to your porch!  With this ap, you can open and close your garage door, turn up or down the thermostat, turn your lights on and off, turn off your appliances (like irons and washing machines) and lock and unlock your doors.  I’m like a kid in a candy store!

“Hey house!  Turn on the lights, open the garage door and unlock the front and side doors.”  *Waits patiently for enterprising thieves to notice.*  There’s a likely participant.  He wanders into the garage, and checks the door.  In he comes.  “Hey house!  Turn out the lights.”  Thief walks into chair.  Disembodied voice (you) says, “You forgot to clap twice to turn on the lights.”  Thief is startled, but claps twice.  Nothing happens.  Disembodied voice says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, slowly.”  Thief claps slowly.  Nothing happens.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, faster than last time but not too fast.”  Thief claps twice.  Nothing happens.  He claps again faster, then again slower.  Disembodied voice says, “Thank you!   Thank you!  I love the applause!  You like me you really like me.”  Lights remain off.  Thief runs into another chair.  Lights come on.  Siren comes on.  Disembodied voice yells, “Clap twice to turn off alarms and alert police that you are a friendly neighbor just feeding the fish.”

You sit in your cozy motel monitoring the poor thief and are stifling uproarious laughter.  Thief is clapping like crazy to turn off alarms.  Disembodied voice yells, “I’m sorry, did you clap?  I can’t hear it over the cacophony.  Please clap louder.”  Thief runs into laundry room and closes the door.  Washer starts up.  Disembodied voice says, “Maria, you’re early.  You don’t usually start the washer at this time.  Are you under duress?  Maria?  Maria?  If this is not Maria, invisible poison gas will shortly permeate the room and you’ll be dead in 30 seconds.”  Thief runs out the door.  Siren turns off, lights go out, and thief falls over ottoman.  Lights flash on and off. TV turns on and off.  Prerecorded horror movie starts to play.  Washer turns off, radio turns on.  Temperature is slowly climbing to 90 degrees.  Thief is in full blown panic.  He runs for the door.  “House?  Lock all the doors and turn off all lights, close and lock garage door.  Alert police.”  He tries to break the bullet proof windows.  No luck.  He tries to unlock the door, but you are much faster relocking it than he is opening it.  Police will be there in 1 min, turn on siren, turn off lights, turn off appliances.

Police arrive to hear panicked thief begging to be taken out to nice quiet jail cell with 15 crack heads and a biker gang rather than stay in this apparently unassuming, empty house.  Officer 1 turns to Officer 2 and says, “You know, that’s the 5th time this month we’ve had an attempted robbery at this place.”  Officer 2 replies, “and it’s also the 5th time we’ve had the thieves begging to be taken to jail.  Weird huh?”  “Nahhhhhh….”

Don’t let me get a hold of this Smart House ap.  It isn’t safe.

 

This is good/bad

Went to a convention in Indianapolis.  Whee!  Prepaid the parking and it is just across the street from the Colts’ stadium which is good since 1/2 the event happens here.  Unfortunately, the other half is in the convention center, which according to the map, is just a couple minutes’ walk from the parking facility.  The map is SO wrong!  1st off, it’s about 4-6 blocks from the car, but when you get to the center, it’s another 1/2 mile INSIDE the building!  I am using my cane, but the side effect is that my back and hip on the uninjured side now stiffen up.

Once you get to the room, you sit for 4 hours after the walk.  Uh oh.  Now back and hip is stiffened up, AND the injured leg is weak and doesn’t want to support my weight.  Not the worst, because hubby’s knee is giving out now!  OH NO!  So started at the stadium.  Then 3 hours later, they kick us out (even though most of the participants are buying food!) before the next session.  The participants take their food outside to eat, and 1/2 hour later, when the doors re-open, are not allowed to take it back in to the facility.  Doh!  Sit for another 3 1/2 hours, then mosey out to find the next session.  We wander down the street and with no end in sight, we stop and sit on some of the low walls.  Finally, we get to the convention center, then follow the crowd in and stand in line for another 30 min to get pizza.  We go to the last session and sit for 2 more hours.  Hip, back and thigh is stiff, and hubby’s knee is sore.  Limp back to the car and ride home.

My right hand is now bruised from the cane.  The room phone doesn’t work, and I am having difficulties getting into the internet.  I should put on my run tracker tomorrow!  I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight!

 

Why does it take so looooonnnnnnngggggg?

Broke my hip in August.  10 months.  3 months now without cane or crutches.  My Physical Therapist says, “Try not to walk with a limp.”  OK.  But my injured leg doesn’t come straight up and down when I step on it.  It kinda lists off to one side.  When I walk on the tread mill, my gait is ok, but when I’m done, my right arm is sore.  “Don’t lean on it.”  ok.  “Try not to walk with a limp.”  *puts hand back on handle bars for tread mill.*  “Now that’s good, just take your hand off now.”  *takes hand off*  “Now try not to walk with a limp…”  repeat.

They’re all confused about what to do with my gait.  So they sent me to the shoe store to get better shoes.  I paid $165 for shoes that hurt.  They have a wide sole and a very hard and high arch.  I slide to the outside of the shoe.  (Gravity tends to work that way.  Put something on a hill and it will slide down.)  “Your gait needs improving.  The shoes are fine; you are messed up.”  I have blisters on the tops of my toes on one foot, and the tarsometatarsal joint on the outside of my foot goes out of place if I step on uneven ground.  This is most unpleasant.  Since I was a dance teacher many years ago, I know how to pop it back in, but that doesn’t make it less painful, and it doesn’t solve the problem.

I tripped over a broken hose this morning, and it hurt that foot, and also the thigh on my injured leg.  Here I am at 7:30 AM and my day is already slated to be nasty.  I’m driving through the heavy rain with lightning and thunder, and the guy on the radio says, there’s a better chance for rain (50%!) for tomorrow.  How can a 50% chance of rain be better than the 100% that we have now?  Will it rain more earnestly?  My conclusion is that the day brings what the day brings, and hurting myself 1st thing in the morning does not dictate how the rest of the day will go.

Congratulations! You’re cured!

I don’t get that assessment very often.  I got it from my orthopedic doctor yesterday.  But Doctor, I still hurt.  “Yup.  You’re going to hurt.”  But Doctor, I still limp.  “Yup, you still limp.”  How am I cured?  “Your leg is no longer broken.”  Ah.

Then, from the Physical Therapist…”You know, eventually you’ll have to be doing exercises on your own to keep making progress.  You have to get to the point where you don’t need us any more.”

Maybe I should have washed the clothes I wear to the appointments…though I didn’t notice anyone’s eyes tearing up and heard no retching noises.

I did get new shoes yesterday.  They are supposed to compensate for my outward roll on my right foot and support my weak left leg.  Both have a very high arch support in them.  I feel like my foot is sliding off the center of the shoe.  They felt ok in the store though.  Is there a thing where when you cross the threshold, the shoes have a trigger that turns off the comfort level?  I guess I’ll find out if it works in a few days.

So for all intents and purposes, my leg is healed.  It still hurts to stand on it for any length of time, and I cannot go up and down stairs like I used to.  But…

IT’S PROGRESS!

 

I’m getting ugh better

It feels so weird when I step up on the box and my hip does this weird popping thing.  It feels like someone strumming a guitar.  It takes so much effort to just stand on that one leg.  It requires a lot of effort to stand on the injured leg and do grand battements with my right.  The uninjured leg does not want to move.

The leg doesn’t hurt until I release the muscles.  Then it hurts like the dickens!  But, I am getting better.  Really.  omg.

Oh Yesssss!

So yesterday, I talked about the way people in the US use any occasion to get out of work and imbibe to stupidity.

What are the things most prized here?  They were the good old American Work Ethic and our Puritan beliefs which, by the way, no one currently knows or understands.  The Puritans were not against alcohol, but drinking to excess.  The Puritans were not against leisure of any sort, but they assigned it to Sundays.  The Puritans were not against sex, it was just relegated to marriage.  The American Work Ethic was basically this:  Work so you can eat and have the necessities of life.

What is the thing that everyone seeks?  It’s a way of life that does not require a work ethic and is based on hedonist beliefs.  We desire what would be considered sinful.  Ah!  People prefer to put themselves first in every situation.  Look at Eve.  “Ooo! If I eat this, I’ll have the knowledge of Good AND Evil?  Then I’ll be just like GOD?  Gimme gimme!”  She was thinking of herself.  Cain was thinking of himself.  This is ongoing.  Now it is passe to think of “sin” and just call it a life choice.  The perspective has changed.  Anything I want to do should be legal.  It feels so good it can’t be bad.  It feels so right it can’t be wrong.  It’s hypocritical to think that we can legislate morality if no one in the country wants a moral compass because that would lead to lowering our self image.  We NEED to define sin for our society to function and we CANNOT define sin because there’s a separation of church and state (which is no where in the constitution by the way.)

The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, ensuring that there is no prohibition on the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble, or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances. (Thank you Wiki)

So we go merrily along our way doing whatever the heck we want until someone gets hurt and then we get arrested for doing something stupid.  Did you know they actually had a “sin tax?” A sin tax is an excise tax specifically levied on certain goods deemed harmful to society, for example alcohol and tobacco, candies, drugs, soft drinks, fast foods, coffee, sugar, and gambling.  (Thank you Wiki)  If it’s too expensive, we won’t buy these goods and thereby save our society from sugar-high drunken smokers who crash into fast food drive thru windows.  And if it doesn’t work, the tax should pay for the damage.  Doh!

So we reward ourselves for doing something good by doing something bad.  How typically American.  “I worked for a year for this vacation!  So now I’m going to Las Vegas and lose all my bonus, get stupid drunk, cheat on my spouse and make me regret having worked all year.”  “I worked for a month to lose these 2 pounds!  I’m going to have 2 pounds of cake to celebrate…”  oops.  “I’ve been sober 2 years, 6 months, 3 days and 14 hours!  Let’s have some champagne!”  Let’s turn every holiday into an excuse to get drunk and over eat.  Let’s buy a car that goes 200 mph so we can drive 70 on the interstate.  We long to do sinful things because we are sinful people.  It has a certain adrenaline rush when you know you’re doing something illegal or immoral, and you think to yourself, it won’t hurt anyone, so it’s ok.  If it’s illegal or immoral, don’t do it.  Actions have consequences.

Morals are not something you legislate, they come from upbringing and reverence for life.  We have so many in prison because we don’t acknowledge that fact.  Nearly all of the Non-violent crime and so many of the violent crime involves no reverence for life.  It’s not a hard concept.  With moral law, we don’t need as many civil laws to protect people.  Moral law is written on the heart and is enforced by the conscience.

Does it hurt people?  Don’t do it.  Does it endanger your health or life?  Don’t do it.  Does it threaten someone’s livelihood?  Don’t do it.  Is it selfish and petty?  Don’t do it.  Would your grandma do it?  No?  Don’t do it.  You don’t do it and you teach your children not to do it, and your grandchildren not to do it, and your neighbors and their children not to do it.  You show your friends how not to do it, your enemies how you don’t do it, and YOURSELF how you don’t do it because you revere all life.

So if you do stupid things because you’re trying to escape your world, count your blessings and grow up.  If you are doing bad things because you can, and your only worry is getting caught, you have a serious social problem.

In any case, in all cases, treat people and property with respect.  It’s what you do.  Then fewer stupid things will happen and we’ll all be better off!

 

Oh NOOOO!

I am so disillusioned!  I thought Sinko de Mayo was when you ate mayonnaise by the sink!  Now I find out it’s a DATE?  5th of May…who knew

Apparently nobody.  Cinco De Mayo has nothing to do with Mexican Independence, that was September 16, 1810.  It is a celebration of an underdog victory–the Mexicans beat the French on May 5.  It is usually celebrated by military parades in Mexico.  In the US though, it is a holiday where all the gringos switch to tequila to get drunk.

St. Patrick’s day is a solemn occasion that reveres St. Patrick who was instrumental in converting Ireland to Catholicism. But in the USA, everyone wears green and they dye the water in the Chicago river green as well.  There’s parades and pub crawls, and it has nothing to do with the celebration of St. Patrick’s day.

New Year’s Day is when we make our resolutions and reflect on the past year.  Unless you’re from the US, then you start drinking Dec 30 and get so blasted that they pass out and miss the momentous occasion at midnight on the 31st.

What is it about Americans that we use every excuse to get a day off work and get drunk or high to excess?  How is that fun?  Why do people look for occasions to escape their lives–either by running away from work or spouse or kids or becoming unconscious?  Being drunk isn’t fun.  You can’t see, you can’t talk right, you can’t walk straight, you throw up, you pass out, you lose your inhibitions and do really stupid things that you regret for a long time after.  Why do they have to make low-calorie beer?  Is it to entice you to drink more since you won’t then gain weight?  What is the matter with people?!

It has a lot to do with how people see themselves.  It is not with a small amount of discomfort that I refer to myself as fat and give my fat “sentience” and a name (Obie) and a personality.  If people see themselves as trapped in a job, or in a relationship, or by circumstance with a family, they will engage in escape behavior.  I’ve been good all week!  I deserve to have that cake, since nothing I do will ever make me thin…  Counter intuitive don’t you think?  I will engage in a drinking binge where I end up in a motel with someone I don’t know and have no recollection of the whole night.  That should fix my broken marriage.  What kind of idiot thinks like that?  Quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.  Wouldn’t the end result be continued crying at a louder volume and a longer period of time?  Nobody is addressing the root cause of the issue.    We shouldn’t have to feel a need to escape.  We’re not in a hopeless situation.  We’re not fleeing to Canada or Mexico.  (BTW, Are the anti trump celebrities still here?)  We have 46 million people in the US that are foreign born.  People want to come here.  All those other societies with free health care, and better schools and better understanding of immigrants etc, only have a fraction of the number of people going to the US.  How long will the myth of the American dream last?  Longer than you might think.

They all think we’re rich.  We consider ourselves living paycheck to paycheck and just barely scraping by…with a new car, a 52″ screen TV, food of every imaginable type available EVERYWHERE and for EVERYONE.  No lines for staples like bread and milk that run out.

Our WORST problem is that we’re all fat.  Poor Americans, they have too much food.  But we’re the ones trying to escape our lives?  Good morning America…count your blessings.

It’s raining

It’s Pouring, the Old Man is Snoring…

Ok I’m snoring.  I’m lying on my side in the Physical Therapist’s office on a padded table with a heating pad on my leg.  It’s really heavy and it’s moist heat.  *beep*  Time for the ultra sound.  zzzzzzz.  *beep*  “Were you sleeping?”  Me?  No.  Why do you ask?  “Because normally people who are awake don’t snore.”  oh

She really really worked my IT band–the tendon that connects the hip and the knee.  Iliotibial band it’s called.  I’m cross-eyed in pain…and also I don’t have my glasses on so I may not be cross-eyed, just blurry.  ANYWAY, after the torture comes the exercises.  Leg lift with 2 lb. weights, side lift with same weight (OWIE!  that one’s hard.)  Hamstring stretch 3 x at 30 seconds.  Leg extensions with 3 lb weight.  Leg curl with blue band resistance.  Calf stretch 3 x at 30 seconds.  Hip glider machine, 3 springs, 15 times.  Sideways stepping, marching then on to the box.  It’s 4″ box I step up on my bad leg, touch my right toe and then step back down.  15 of those.  After that, I step up on my bad leg and then continue forward and step down on my good leg.  15 of those.  5 min on the tread mill, lvl 1.

Then I walk out of the office.  I don’t limp for a good 45 min after that.  Then I sit down and of course it tightens up again, but I’m not limping as bad.  But it’s raining.  I have to limp fast to get to the car!  So I am making measurable progress.

I do have a question though.  You all know how hard it is for me to loose weight.  Very strict diet, and I do as much exercise as I can given my current physical state.  Do the probiotics work?  Could I have a digestive problem instead of a calorie problem?

Unintended consequences

Compensating behavior takes place whenever one part of the body is compromised due to injury or disease.  So when you stub your toe, you limp and take more weight on your other foot.  When you jam your fingers, you hold your pencil differently.

I went to a Toastmaster conference in Lincoln over the weekend of April 21, and had to walk about 3 blocks from the parking lot to the hotel where the event took place.  I was a good girl and used my cane.  I was limping and I guess I need new shoes.  My left leg is fine, but my right calf seized up so badly that it’s pulling on my Achilles tendon and causing pain in my right heel.

How do you effectively limp on both feet?

Owie! the sequel

Every time I go into the Physical Therapist, he rubs, (massages? I don’t know what you call it) right around the incision sites on my leg.  Now this isn’t the kind of massage you want to pay for, but I do.  It hurts.  He uses his thumb and fingers and palm and it always leaves me very sore.  In once case it left me black and blue!  But a day after that, I can walk better!  🙂  Not this time.  I was on my side and he was using his thumb on the screw incisions near my knee cap, and was rubbing so hard, I could feel it in the other leg!  This was Friday, and now it’s Sunday and I’m still very sore!  And it hurts to walk.  😦

I wish that I would heal better.

But I am doing my exercises, and going without my crutch or cane.  This morning, I was playing in front of the congregation for both services and having to limp over to the part of the dais so I wouldn’t blow out the preacher’s ear drums with my horn.  The limp is quite noticeable.  Everyone was asking me how I was.  “Are you ok?”  “Did you hurt your foot this morning?”  “Is this weather hard on your knees?”  They weren’t commenting on the music.  My limping was a distraction for them.

It was fun though!  I played my 1903 Lyon and Healy Cornet, and my dad’s piccolo trumpet on “Jesus Christ is Risen Today” with a descant,  “He lives,” the Choir piece “On the Third Day,” and finally “Up from the Grave he Arose” with a descant.  I got to blow the doors off on the 2nd service since there were so many people!  *Giggles*

I had roast lamb, garlic potatoes (small portion) with fresh chives, steamed carrots, and Charoset, a dried fruit dish with walnuts and almonds traditionally used on Passover.  Yum!