Category Archives: Uncategorized

Russian Toilet

Let me set the scene

2001.  I was a stockbroker with Ameritrade before they combined with TD Waterhouse.  I had just broken my hip…it had split down the spike of my artificial hip, so this would be my second of three operations on the same hip.

Our bathroom had this lovely mosaic tile on the wall next to the tub.  There was a shower curtain rod that encircled the tub, but no separation between the sink and the shower.  It also had a standard toilet (not Russian.) Because I still had 3 kids at home, the shower was used extensively.  We all took showers because we were time bound getting to school and work every day.  Yup, just the one bathroom for two adults and five kids when we first moved in.  The upshot of this constant usage was that the drywall under the mosaic was not designed for this constant hot water/steam exposure and started to bow out.  Then the little tiles started popping off and those little buggers hurt when you step on them.  If you had the lights on in the bathroom when you were showering, water from the shower that escaped the curtain landed on the light bulbs over the sink and they would explode in spectacular fashion!  Getting out of the tub, you’d have to make sure you didn’t have tile stuck to your foot and didn’t step on glass.  It was tough on feet.  The floor covering was carpet and didn’t dry very well with all this use, so the floor by the tub and the toilet started to go.

We needed a bathroom remodel!  The room next to the bathroom was a bedroom that we converted to an office.  The closet for that room was in the wall that adjoined the bathroom.  Since we didn’t need that closet, we moved the bathroom wall and added a divider wall between the sink and the bathtub.  Our contractor was a very nice guy and when he was done, it was wonderful!  Nice marble counter top for the sink, big cabinet for all the bathroom stuff, linoleum floor, bathtub surround with grab bars, a sliding door to keep the water in the shower, a nice raised toilet to accommodate my hip situation, and now a closet for towels and bathroom supplies like mops and toilet paper and such.  It was soooo cool!

Well, we assumed our contractor was done because he quit coming around.  He had died of cancer.  There were a few things he hadn’t completed.  The linoleum under the sink was not finished.  It was not sealed to the base of the cabinet and it started to curl.  Likewise, the joint of the linoleum and the bathtub wasn’t sealed, so it started to curl.  When the sliding door on the tub started to wear out, you couldn’t get the replacement rollers, so we had to take it out.  It was replaced by a curtain.  The curtain didn’t keep the water at the shower head end from escaping so it got under the linoleum and hastened its curling and water damage to the floor underneath.

In an effort to conserve our water, we got a low-flow toilet.  It was the early years so they weren’t as efficient and so now we had to flush everything twice.  It clogged easily.  When it overflowed, as it did about one to two times a month, this water also got under the linoleum.

2018:  We have a situation.  The floor next to the toilet is soft.  If you’ve read my previous articles, you’ll know that I went from a svelt 190 pounds after my second operation to nearly 220 and am fighting heroically to lose those pounds.  My husband likewise has ballooned up to over 320.

Last week, when I deposited my bulk on the toilet, it seemed to tip.  This is not good.  Thus the title of this lovely tome:  Russian Toilet.  Now if you pronounce it like toilette in French, you may have a glimmer as to the conclusion I came to this morning.  Which one of us will find ourselves sitting on a toilet on top of our washing machine in the laundry room?  Click…whew, not today!  Going to gym, then to dinner, and then the movies…they have toilets!

 

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Creative Writing: Talking with a Tortoise

https://dailyflabbergast.wordpress.com/2018/10/09/cw-a-talk-with-a-tortoise/

Talking with a tortoise

Hello…Bob.

Hello Tortoise.  Nice to see you again!

Nice…to…see…you…too.

Happy birthday!  121 years!  That’s quite an accomplishment!

Thank…you.

How are you celebrating?

I’m…going…to…go…over…there…and…have…some…birthday…lettuce.

No cake?  No party?

Well…the…invitations…went…out…6…months…ago…and…since…I…don’t…see…anyone…here…it…must…have…taken…them…too…long…to…get…here.

Can I join you at your birthday lettuce?

Sure…Bob.

How many invitations did you send out?

9.  Just…around…this…rock.

SURPRISE!!!!!

Bob?  Call…9…1…1!

Happy Birthday Tortoise!

 

 

SVA

Turn about is fair play.  Let’s visit Super Villains Anonymous.

Hello.  I’m Thanos.  And I’m a super villain.

Hello?  Hello?  Anyone here?

Hmmm.  It appears that there may be many super villains but none of them wish to be anonymous.  I guess I get all the danish and coffee.  Wait, this smells funny.  Oh REALLY?  Someone put Ex Lax in the coffee?  And is that cocaine instead of powdered sugar on the danish?  Really?!

*Snaps fingers.  A small pile of dust appears in the corner of the room leaving a small bag with a recorded laugh.*

SHA

Hi.  I’m Batman.  I’m a superhero.

“Hi Batman.”

The first step is to acknowledge I am powerless.

“Wait, What?  You are powerless?”

Um that’s the 1st step…admit you’re powerless.

“You can’t be powerless, this is a Super Heroes Anonymous meeting.  We all have powers.”

I don’t.

*stunned silence*

Really.  I just have money and lots and lots of training…and bandages.

“I’m Oliver Queen, and I have lots of money and no powers.”

Well, that’s not exactly true, you lost all your money and you kill people (or killed people) so you’re just a vigilante and not a super hero.

“You killed the District Attorney…”

Just in the movie.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Incredible and this is my family, and I am powerless against my son Jack Jack…”

Oh shut up.

“I won’t.  And you can’t make me…you’re powerless, period.  And Queen?  You think you can just go around killing bad guys because you’re a crack shot and green ninja?  Super heroes put guys like you in prison.”

“I’ve been to prison…I got out.”

It doesn’t make you a hero.

“It does to the people I rescue.”

And what’s with all these names.  You’re costume is not good enough to escape facial recognition…The Hood, the Arrow, the Green Arrow (whose bright idea was that?)  Same guy, same costume, new ammo?  Who names themselves after their weapons?

“Yup, and who names themselves after a rodent?”

“People, PEOPLE!  It’s Mr. Batman’s sharing time.  Don’t interrupt.”

Hi, I’m Batman, I’m a super hero.

(Mr. Incredible, Luke Cage, and Superman cough “bullshit”)

“Hi, Batman.”

It’s been *checks obscenely expensive and complex watch* 2 hours and 35 min since my last intervention.

“What happened?”

There was a couple arguing in the snack aisle of the convenience store.  She told him she was going to throw the TV out the window if he bought any more of the caramel popcorn.  He was buying snacks for the Gotham Giants game.  I believed it was an unreasonable threat, so I used my bat-bolo to tie her up and leave her dangling from the ceiling.  The guy bought the snacks, put them in his car and then came back to cut her down.  He was laughing too hard to thank me, but I could see his gratitude in his eyes.

“So she was a super villain you needed to neutralize?”

She was threatening a Gotham citizen with an unreasonable punishment for a trivial crime.

“Isn’t that precisely what you did?”

Yup, so I immediately came to the meeting.

“I completely understand that.  I intervened when a guy ran in to a Metroville Fan store before the Mets played last June and got blocked in.  I lifted his car into traffic, but I didn’t have to tie up his wife, even though she was throwing insults at the guy.”

But she wasn’t threatening physical attacks.

“Mental abuse and physical abuse are still abuse.  It can cause harm.”

Point taken.

“So Mr. Batman, what’s the longest you’ve gone between interventions?”

16 days, 12 hours, and 42 min.

“Good for you!  What were the circumstances?”

I was in a coma.

*Jessica Jones smirks. Danny Rand almost does a face palm, but his hands are glowing and he thinks better of it.*

“What do you think triggers your interventions?”

*they all reply* “Any type of injustice.”

“So you’re going after the referees in the last football game?”

*they all reply* “Yes.”

Danny Rand adds, “and their families and their friends and their secret organization…the flags that they throw with their hands! You know there’s got to be a connection…”

“The Hand?  We’ve been fighting the Foot!”

Shut up Leonardo.

“I’m Raphael, notice the bandanna?”

“Batman?  Who’s your sponsor?”

Falcon…

“Hmmm, maybe not the best choice.”

It was better than Owl.  At least Falcon isn’t nocturnal.  Owl kept picking me up at the worst times.  ‘Oh…I thought you were vermin!’ he’d say and laugh.  Over and Over and Over.  Where is Owl by the way?

“It’s only 4:00, he’s not up yet.”

“So I’m hearing you say that Owl was intervening in your interventions?”

Yes.  Quite annoying.  Especially when he dropped me and I wasn’t wearing my suit.

“Was that when…”

Yes, I was in a coma for the 16 days.  He sent dead mice and crickets to my hospital room.  I guess it freaked out the nurses.

“Wait, you tried an intervention without your suit?  No weapons?  No defenses?”

I can fight without my suit.  Can you fight without your powers?  I know Oliver can, we studied with the same teacher…

Danny Rand stands up, “I don’t need my fists to fight.”

Of course you do…what would you use?  Your elbows?

“Not my glowing fists, just regular fists.”

Why would you turn off your power?

“I have to turn it on by using my Chi”

So you have a remote control?

“Shut up Danny.  He will NEVER get it.  And you can’t explain it without getting all misty eyed.”

*Danny sits down and sulks*

“Well, Mr. Batman, if you feel like you need to do an intervention, you know you can call your sponsor.”

*The Falcon licks his lips and rubs his hands together…*

Um…sure.

Jessica Jones leans into Tony Stark and whispers, “I give him 3 hours tops.  $100.”

Tony says, “Even odds…I’ll take your money.  I’d guess no more than 2 hrs.”

Superman says, from across the room, “I heard that…”

Daredevil says, “So did I…”

Tony Stark stands up.  “I have an important meeting to get to.  Batman, you and I should do lunch sometime.”

“What are his powers besides money and tech?” asks Thor.

“It would have to be his enormous ego,” quips Dr. Strange.

“That’s it for this week.  There’s coffee and danish in the back…”

 

 

 

 

 

Uh Oh…

Received this:Creepy home invader

12/1  Elf arrives at house with naughty/nice list and Elf’s name is at top of Naughty list.

12/2 Elf empties flour on kitchen floor and makes “flour” angel

12/3 Parent calls 911 about home invasion.

12/4 Elf arrested for trespassing, vagrancy and vandalism.

12/5 Elf posts bail with the money he stole out of Parent’s pockets.

12/6 No sign of elf, but All belt loops on dress pants in closet cut off. Chef’s knife missing from kitchen.

12/7 Tiny foot prints outside parents’ bedroom window and all the left shoes taken from Mother’s closet.

12/8 Parents up all night with weapons of mass destruction getting no sleep whatsoever.

12/9 Parents late to work and groggy from lack of sleep.

12/10 Elf posed on night stand next to alarm clock with very large, very sharp knife.

12/11 Sheriff’s department orders psyche evaluation on parents. Elf poses unobtrusively on mantel. No sign of knife.

12/12 Mother committed for further evaluation. Father commits elf-iside and buries remains in sand box in back yard.

12/13 suspicious hole in sand box, and tiny sandy tracks into back door of house into basement.

12/14 No sign of elf, but seems to be something scurrying in the walls of house…

12/15 Elf, sitting on couch with head in lap turns TV way up and is watching Chucky.

12/16 Family moves to remote Island in the North Sea…

12/25 Package hand delivered by a Giant with a pink frilly umbrella that says: Merry Christmas! See you next year, Signed Elf.

CW challenge

https://dailyflabbergast.wordpress.com/2018/09/18/cw-a-place-of-rest/

“Write a four line poem about a haunted house. (Do this two times: once where each line rhymes and then again with no rhyming at all.)”
– a prompt for this week’s CW piece.
[Source: @DailyPrompt]

Who was here?

Were they dear?

Are they near?

Should I fear?!

 

Creaks and groans are normal with these homes

Agents say it’s just a bit of charm

I hear footsteps–round my bed they creep

“Squeeze your eyes shut! You won’t want to see!”

Phish Tales

Why are those that choose to use phishing to get private information such idiots?  Now I know that they’re successful enough of the time to continue in this behavior, but I’m not sure how.

1st of all, when you spend so much time replicating the notices that legitimately come out on occasion, the font, the logos the wording (and I’ll address that next), why do you have a return address like this:

  •  Apple Payment <detail.app-paymentinvoice12959@todtodtod-kentod2.com>
  •  Apple Support <no-reply-lockedaccountlockedupdated.mail.live-host1257@thereisatime.com>

That would seem to send up some red flags don’t you think?  Outwardly, these look like legit mails.  But now, I scroll over the senders to see if they have interesting addresses.

Next, when you are attempting to get information from the receiver, shouldn’t you make your message as clear and understandable as possible?  How hard is it to get spellcheck to work?

Your membership has reached ilJKO6fnG3qtlJKO6fnG3qslJKO6fnG3q lJKO6fnG3qexpiry daYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEtYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEeYTYMDJUXNMIIBCE YTYMDJUXNMIIBCEiYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEnYTYMDJUXNMIIBCE YTYMDJUXNMIIBCEsYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEpYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEiYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEtYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEeYTYMDJUXNMIIBCE YTYMDJUXNMIIBCEoYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEfYTYMDJUXNMIIBCE YTYMDJUXNMIIBCEtYTYMDJUXNMIIBCEh9292Qn3832XWMORe9292Qn3832XWMOR 9292Qn3832XWMORr9292Qn3832XWMORe9292Qn3832XWMORm9292Qn3832XWMORi9292Qn3832XWMORn9292Qn3832XWMORd9292Qn3832XWMORe9292Qn3832XWMORr9292Qn3832XWMORsytymdjuxnmiibce ytymdjuxnmiibcesytymdjuxnmiibceeytymdjuxnmiibcenytymdjuxnmiibcedytymdjuxnmiibce ytymdjuxnmiibcebytymdjuxnmiibceyytymdjuxnmiibce ytymdjuxnmiibceeytymdjuxnmiibcemytymdjuxnmiibceaytymdiytymdlytymdlytymd
T9292qn3832h9292qn3832eZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832eZQMM6MFA1Vf9292qn3832oZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832eZQMM6MFA1V, wZQMM6MFA1VeZQMM6MFA1V mZQMM6MFA1VuZQMM6MFA1VsZQMM6MFA1Vt9292qn3832 l9292qn3832oZQMM6MFA1VcZQMM6MFA1VkZQMM6MFA1V yZQMM6MFA1VoZQMM6MFA1VuZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832 AZQMM6MFA1Vp9292qn3832p9292qn3832l9292qn3832eZQMM6MFA1V IZQMM6MFA1VD9292qn3832 t9292qn3832eZQMM6MFA1VmZQMM6MFA1Vp9292qn3832oZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832aZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832iZQMM6MFA1Vl9292qn3832yZQMM6MFA1V f9292qn3832oZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832 sZQMM6MFA1VeZQMM6MFA1VcZQMM6MFA1VuZQMM6MFA1Vr9292qn3832iZQMM6MFA1Vt9292qn3832yZQMM6MFA1V r9292qn3832eZQMM6MFA1VaZQMM6MFA1VsZQMM6MFA1VoZQMM6MFA1Vn9292qn3832(sZQMM6MFA1V).
iytymdnytymd ytymdoytymdrytymddytymdeytymdrytymd ytymdtytymdoytymd jYHtDoOAEjgjYHtDoOAEjrjYHtDoOAEjujYHtDoOAEjajYHtDoOAEjnjYHtDoOAEjtjYHtDoOAEjejYHtDoOAEjejYHtDoOAEj jYHtDoOAEjtjYHtDoOAEjhjYHtDoOAEjejYHtDoOAEj jYHtDoOAEjcjYHtDoOAEjojYHtDoOAEjnjYHtDoOAEjfjYHtDoOAEjijYHtDoOAEjdjYHtDoOAEjejYHtDoOAEjnjYHtDoOAEjtjYHtDoOAEjijYHtDoOAEjajYHtDoOAEjljYHtDoOAEjijYHtDoOAEjtjYHtDoOAEjyjYHtDoOAEj jYHtDoOAEjojYHtDoOAEjf18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523y18535274514776245523o18535274514776245523u18535274514776245523r18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523d18535274514776245523a18535274514776245523t18535274514776245523a18535274514776245523,18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523y18535274514776245523o18535274514776245523u18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523w18535274514776245523i18535274514776245523l18535274514776245523l18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523n18535274514776245523e18535274514776245523e18535274514776245523d18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523t18535274514776245523o18535274514776245523 18535274514776245523c18535274514776245523o18535274514776245523m18535274514776245523p18535274514776245523l18535274514776245523e48.253.168.96t48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96 48.253.168.96t48.253.168.96h48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96 48.253.168.96r48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96n48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96w48.253.168.96a48.253.168.96l48.253.168.9648.253.168.96o48.253.168.96f48.253.168.96 48.253.168.96y48.253.168.96o48.253.168.96u48.253.168.96r48.253.168.96 48.253.168.96d48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96t48.253.168.96a48.253.168.96i48.253.168.96l48.253.168.96s48.253.168.96.48.253.168.96 48.253.168.96P48.253.168.96l48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96a48.253.168.96s48.253.168.96e48.253.168.96 48.253.168.96ubjropnxcdepbjropnxcdedbjropnxcdeabjropnxcdetbjropnxcdeebjropnxcde bjropnxcdeybjropnxcdeobjropnxcdeubjropnxcderbjropnxcde bjropnxcdeAbjropnxcdepbjropnxcdepbjropnxcdelbjropnxcdeebjropnxcde bjropnxcdeIbjropnxcdeDbjropnxcde bjropnxcdetbjropnxcdeobjropnxcde bjropnxcderbjropnxcdeebjropnxcdebjropnxcdeabjropnxcdecbjropnxcdecbjropnxcdeebjropnxcdesbjropnxcdesbjropnxcde bjropnxcdeabjropnxcdesbjropnxcde bjropnxcdeubjropnxcdesbjropnxcdeubjropnxcdeabjropnxcdelbjropnxcde bjropnxcdebbjropnxcdeybjropnxcde bjropnxcdecbjropnxcdelbjropnxcdeobjropnxcdecbjropnxcdekbjropnxcdeibjropnxcdenbjropnxcdegNX84 NX84tNX84hNX84eNX84 NX84lNX84iNX84nNX84kNX84NX84bNX84elJKO6fnG3qllJKO6fnG3qolJKO6fnG3qwlJKO6fnG3q lJKO6fnG3qalJKO6fnG3qslJKO6fnG3q lJKO6fnG3qsNX84oNX84oNX84nNX84 NX84aNX84sNX84 NX84yNX84oNX84uNX84 NX84rNX84eNX84cytymdjuxnmiibceeytymdjuxnmiibceiytymdjuxnmiibcevytymdjuxnmiibceeytymdjuxnmiibce ytymdjuxnmiibcetbjropnxcdehbjropnxcdeibjropnxcdesbjropnxcde NX84eNX84mNX84aNX84iNX84lNX84.NX84.

That’s what happens when you copy and paste the message.  The actual message that shows up is this:

Your membership has reached its expiry date in spite of the reminders sent by emaill Therefore, we must lock your AppleID temporarily for security reason(s).  in order to gruantee the confidentiality of your data, you will need to complete the renewal of your details.  Please update your AppleID to re-access as usual by clocking the link below as soon as you receive this email.

Thanks you

Apple Support Team

Wouldn’t it be an expiration date instead of an expiry date?  How many emaills did they send? It seems that someone who is not a native English speaker sent the mail or they wouldn’t have used reason(s) either.  What is a gruantee?  They get confidentiality spelled right, but mess up guarantee?  How do you Clock a Link?  Thanks you?

I know, this is a weird thing to rant on, but for heaven’s sake, I get 2-3 of these a week from Apple, and from PayPal and FaceBook and a nearly every service you can think of.  All of them are badly done with incorrect capitalization, misspelled words, awkward syntax, and horrific grammar.  AND!!!!  They can have all these abominations of English in only 3 sentences?!!  At least the Nigerians have a legitimate reason for foreign-sounding mails!  So yes it seems weird to take such care to spoof messages from legitimate companies and then screw up the message.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to HELP them get better, but goodness gracious, it hurts my brain to read them!

 

 

Now I know

Now, I know.  When I write stuff, nobody reads it.  I’m writing for myself.  The information and wisdom I have to share is unwanted and unneeded.  Must not all be that wise or needed huh.  I will never have 18k followers, or 5k followers, and the 34 that do, don’t read my stuff.  After 4-5 years of blogging, this is a failure.

Good bye

Keto Doh

I have been on this Keto diet for over a year.  Have not lost a single pound.

I looked at my MyFitness digest and discovered the following:

The Keto diet recommends 20-50g of carbs/day.  It doesn’t seem to have a goal for protein, but it does for fat.  I was doing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what the Keto diet required.  Though I was about 1200 calories average, actually less, I was nearly 3 times the number of carbs/day.  Oh for crying in the mud.

Start over.  I am up on exercise however this month.