You need HELP!

So I have heard this 3 times in the last week.

Here’s the problem: I am simultaneously the smartest person in the room, and the least equipped to handle anything.  The first thing people notice about me is that I’m not very bright, but I am very loud and annoying.  No, the first thing people notice about me is my size, and they are shocked to find out I taught ballet.  No, the first thing they notice about me is that I’m always talking.  No the first thing they notice about me is I stand in a corner just watching.  I am a dichotomy.

I agree with the person that said I needed help with the house and recommended a cleaning company.  I think I’m going to do that.

I agree that I have a bad self image.  I don’t know how to fix that, so I would need to find someone to help me with that.  But see above…I’m always the smartest person in the room, even if I’m not.  When my boy was having problems in school, we went to a therapist, and he learned how to say exactly what she wanted him to say.  He thought it amusing.  One of the sessions, I was required to go with him.  She diagnosed me as Obsessive/Compulsive, Anal Retentive, and manic/depressive.  This is after talking with me for about 20 min.  I was shaking my head in disbelief.  Then she sent him out and told me in no uncertain terms, “No wonder your kids are all messed up!  You shouldn’t have had any!  You should have been in therapy for decades before you had kids.  It’s all your fault that your kids are useless.”  Remember, smartest person in the room…  I believed she was so set in blaming someone for the fact that she couldn’t figure out how my boy thought (because he was so much smarter than she).  I met a family therapist that thought he could solve our family’s problems with 3 sessions.  Tada!!! You’re normal!  Well, if we were normal, why were we required to have therapy?  Yes, again it was a requirement by the CPS.  I must have rose-colored glasses and be completely deluded about the mental health of my kids.  I couldn’t think of any kids that were as smiley and engaged as mine.  I have since been informed that all of them were extremely depressed and couldn’t wait to get out of the house.  (Oh?  then why is one of them still in my basement?)

As you may have guessed, I do not like being categorized.  I may have stressed this fact in this blog, and this one.  Never-the-less, I know from working all the myriads of jobs I’ve done that most of the people will take the easiest, least complicated path in solving a problem and then blame you if it’s more complex than they can handle.  I am fortunate to belong to a group of people who are very smart and in different ways.  One has 2 PHD’s in  the Sciences, and one in has a PHD in Human resources.  One is gifted in the emotional arena, and one in the ability to read and understand people.  3 are amazing in computer programming.  2 of them are wise on the spiritual level.  1 is exceptional in communication.  (That is good since we’re in the book writing business…)  Where does that put me?  I guess I connect all these various and sundry interests together.  So when I need some advice in my psychological state, and I talk to a psychiatrist and this person doesn’t measure up to this level of intelligence and takes short cuts–putting me into a box that is entirely too small and ill-fitting, I get discouraged.  I’m tempted to have a cattle call and have all the psychiatrists come to my office and give me their best shot so I can eliminate 3/4 of the incompetent people right off the bat.  Ya, right.

As for the 3rd time someone told me I needed help, I have been on this stupid diet/exercise/pill/herbs/mental trip for 4 years and I’m about 5 pounds heavier than when I started and that’s when I thought I was 45 pounds too heavy.  I’m going to try the Kathy Diet…forget to eat for a year.

New year’s resolutions?  Stuff I can handle, 1 more DTM, done with 1 full path in Toastmasters, read 10 more books, work out 3 times a week for an hour, replace the front door and the bathroom, hire a cleaning service, find my office and change it into a real library so all our books are in the same room instead of scattered all over the house, and dispose of the bunk beds…my grand kids will never use them.

UPDATE: I got that Distinguished Toastmaster award, finished 1 4/5 paths in the new Pathways learning system, read 4 books, worked out 3 times a month. I did a COMPLETE renovation of the house…floors, walls, wallpaper, furnishings, curtains, got 4 new bookcases for my office library (6′ tall!!!), got a new front door and bathroom, threw out the bunk beds. We couldn’t get them out without dismantling them. Still haven’t found a psychiatrist I can work with. They’re all too quick to give me a label and they all make this diagnosis after asking the same 6 questions over and over. They’re all very shallow, superficial questions. You’d think they’d have to get into deeper more philosophical questions to understand me, but since I’m not very bright (see 1st paragraph) they can take short cuts. Gah!

I LOVE technology…no I don’t

I have a fitbit ap on my phone.  It will use gps tracking to map my walks.  Unless…  Yeah.  So I have this LOVELY walk I like to take and just recently got to a point where I could do the whole walk.  It goes partway around a lake.  There is a bridge that spans the lake about in the middle, and you can walk over the bridge to make this walk only 3.5 miles instead of 7.5 miles.  I walked this about 10:30 on Sunday morning.  I put my phone in my pocket and set off, filling my water bottle at the pump where I parked my car.  I went counter clockwise so I could go through the wooded area 1st and not go UP the hill at the 2 mile mark but DOWN the hill at the 2 1/2 mile mark.  All was fine and good when I got to the first bench.  By the way, NONE of the benches is located in a shady spot.  They’re good places to stop and drink water, but if you want to cool off, you’re out of luck.  It’s like sitting on a fry pan.  I paused my fitbit and took a little break.  I hit “Resume” and continued on my hike.  When I had reached the western-most point of the trail, I checked my progress.  It asked me if I wanted to “resume.”  What?  I had resumed!!!!!  I had walked 3/4 of a mile and it said I popped out of the space-time continuum and appeared 3/4 of a mile down the trail!   Well that was disappointing.  I must have accidentally hit the pause button when I returned my phone to my pocket with my keys.  I moved the phone to my back pocket.  I walked another 1/2 mile.  Then I checked my ap and sure enough, I had once again been transported to my current location without walking.  Now I was perturbed.  I set my ap to resume again, and carefully put my phone in so the pause button was facing the outside of my pocket.  Looking at my progress at the next stop, there were dots on my map showing up on the path but no connection.

About at this time, being a bit fried, a bit dehydrated and skittering around the edge of madness, I picture myself magically popping in on the trail and scaring the bejezus out of some yapping little dog taking a crap on the trail, then popping in behind a runner and yelling “On your Left” and then not passing him but popping out.  I imagined popping in on the trail and asking the little girl if she’d seen Harry Potter lately and then popping out again, magically appearing and telling the fisherman to move 50 yards down the trail because that’s where the fish were hiding, appearing before a very fit couple and pleading them to save me before the aliens…ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Exasperated, I once again punched the resume button, then closed the ap and finished my trail.  I got to my car and stopped the ap, and it said I’d traveled about 2 1/2 miles in 2 hours.  It was now 12:30 and my face was red and my water bottle was empty, and I KNEW I’d traveled at least 3 1/2 miles.  It reported my pace as 24 min/ mile.  Over the 2 hours I hiked, I should have traveled 5 miles then.

Friday and Saturday, I was at a conference.  Though I tried desperately to stay on my low carb diet and stay under 1200 calories,  I failed miserably on Saturday.  I was 500 calories too high.  I figured this lovely adventure on Sunday would compensate for this indiscretion.  I was wrong.  It takes 3500 cal to equal 1 pound, except when I eat it.  250 cal =1 pound.  2 1/2 miles of walking over a 5 mile trail for 2 hours (stupid fitbit ap) will not compensate because I had exactly the same calorie burn for the day with my walk (1486 burnt) as I did for the Saturday where I did nothing but sit in a conference room all day (1486 calories) and I had exactly 0 steps on my walk–further evidence that I was magically transported through out my constitutional.  So at the gym today with my trainer and my husband, I sneaked a peek at my weight and sure enough, those 500 extra calories I ate on Saturday produced 2 pounds of weight gain.  And all that walk did was make me sore.

Weak attempts

This last week, my hubby and I went to Las Vegas.  We do not gamble, but we had a conference there, and since it was closer than the last conference they had, we thought we’d go.  We drove to Las Vegas.  Wonderful trip!  15 hours the 1st day and 10 hours the 2nd.  What a shock.  Las Vegas is HOT!  It felt like a convection oven!  In order to save money, we got a “free” hotel if we went for a sales presentation for time shares.  (More about that in a financial blog I think.)  But the conference was good, and the trip was fun.

I had protein-heavy breakfasts, and to get to the locale of the conference, we hopped on a shuttle and then walked about 1/2 a mile or so to the convention hotel, and then another 1/2 mile inside the hotel.  It was BIG!  We had dinner at the convention, and they gave us wayyy too much food, and, *pats self on back* I didn’t eat it all.  Then we hoofed it back through the hotel to the street and then the 1/2 mile back to the shuttle for a ride back to our hotel.  We were fighting travel lag and so Sunday morning, we had a very late breakfast.  We had to go to the sales presentation, but it didn’t make financial sense, so we declined their gracious invitation to buy in.  We had supper then headed back to see the Bellagio Fountains.  That was amazing!   Once more took the shuttle, and walked 1/2 a mile, enjoyed the show, walked back 1/2 a mile.  Now that doesn’t seem like much in the way of exercise, but remember that at 9 PM, it was still about 95 degrees!  Obe was comatose.  Hardly woke up during the whole time we were in Vegas.  Started to come around on the way back, but I had another complication.

Due to the very very dry weather, I had prodigious nose bleeds!  I couldn’t blow my nose, or sneeze, or laugh for that matter, and it would just run!  Ewww.  So when we stopped in OK city for lunch, I was not at all hungry.  Wednesday, same problem.  I had to call in sick because I couldn’t stop bleeding on myself.  I was ok on Thursday though.  Obe wants to make up for lost time and is tempting me with pie and burgers and more pie.  Bad Obe!!!!

Slightly sunburnt, but feeling good

After my lovely walk yesterday, I went to my lovely runkeeper to see how my progress was progressing.  It had me down as RUNNING.  Ok, really slow running, 23min /mile.  But it didn’t count toward my walking goal.  I don’t know where this danged ap got the idea that I could run.  Try to run runkeeper, and it doesn’t run.  (I think that’s hilarious.)  Went to the site on the computer and got it fixed, I think…

I have to stop at the gym and drop off my food and exercise journals and get my current weight for my trainer.  I am afraid to take my weight again because I think the loss is a fluke.  I have discovered that when I eat sparingly and have lots of activity, it doesn’t always reflect in a weight loss.  I have had occasions where I didn’t have time for 3 good meals and had LOTS of activity and my weight actually went up because an errant piece of buttered popcorn jumped onto me.  4 oz of buttered popcorn —> 4 pound weight gain?  Evil stuff that popcorn!

Tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Day 7, 8, 9 of walking

It’s Friday.  How did my walk go on Wednesday?  I didn’t go to the gym.

I went to the Walnut Creek trail!  YAY!  I walked about .9 miles in about 25 min.  It was nice, but my back tightened up about 1/2 way through.  It wasn’t as severe as it has been, but I sat down on a railing and stretched out.  Then I walked up hill back to the car.  *heated seats*  ahhhhhhhh

Thursday, I walked (in the drizzle no less) from the house to the Lied trail, then down to the west edge and then back home.  It was kinda square except I took the shorter hill back.  So that was 1.58 miles and 39 min.  No back pain at all, just a little discomfort but discovered if I control my breathing, it’s not too bad.  Got back in time to give lesson.

Today, day 3 in a row!  Did the Lied trail 2 laps this time.  It’s still a challenge, and when I get back to the car, I’m really stiff!  It started to hurt about the last 1/4 mile and I pressed on anyway and waited until I got to the car to sit down.  Haven’t stepped on the scales yet.  I had one of those chicken flatbread wraps at Applebee’s and was unable to finish it.  Lunch for Saturday.  It was good, but they toast the flatbread and it tends to disintegrate when you try to eat it.

Haven’t done any strength training this week, just the walking.  I don’t get distance credit when I walk on the treadmill because, well, I stay in 1 place…  If I ran a gym, I’d have all the cardio equipment connected to the power grid.  We’d pay clients to run or walk or do elliptical or bike so that it would run the lights and stuff.  Pay less in utilities and get more people running to the gym…  Use local power when too few in gym, and then make and save power when there are lots.  I think that if people knew they could be paid $.10 per mile, they’d come in.  Have them swipe a card before they get on the equipment and it keeps track of the distance, then at the end of the month, you pay them.

Even If

I did it!  It was raining, my son had an appointment across town, I had paperwork to do.  And I walked Anyway!  Even if I got soaked.  Even if my back tightened up about 1/2 way through the walk.  Even if I felt as if I couldn’t take another step 1/2 block from home.  Even if I had a meeting that night that I had to prepare for.  I walked!  1.18 miles in my neighborhood which included a 559 foot change in elevation on the last .18 of the walk.  I was soaking wet, and I needed help getting up my stairs.  My dear boy gave me a back massage so I could move again.  I did pretty well at the beginning of the walk, about 26 min/mile, but boy that back stretch!  There were some irises that were blooming and some pale pink tulips too.  So I stopped to take a picture, but it didn’t help me loosen up.  I found some retaining walls to sit in for a couple of minutes then continued on.  It was really really hard.  The challenge will be tomorrow.  Can I do this 2 days in a row?  I have reset the goal for 90 miles by June 4.  I am not Amanda–running for miles and eating special foods.  I am Rebecca, and I am walking and pushing myself to be better and feel better.  I don’t think my weight will drop the 2 pounds/week they say it does when you walk.

I hate it when I’m told, “if you walk such and such amount of time, the weight just melts off.”  If that were true, there’d be a trail of grease behind me and I’d have serious laundry challenges.  I don’t measure my success in this walking program by the amount of change in my weight.  I measure the progress by how long I can walk.  I want to get back to the point where I could do a lap around Walnut Creek (3 miles).  Once I do that, I will endeavor to cut my time down bit by bit.  I hope that this tightening up will eventually go away so that it won’t matter what kind of terrain I’m walking.  I am doing a mild stretch before starting.  My stride is off.  I am extending my leg and pulling my body over my front foot instead of changing my weight forward and catching myself with my front foot.  I believe that’s why hills are so painful.  It’s hard to fall uphill!

Relative progress

I’m fat and weak and slow and sore.  But…

I had my healthy breakfast today, then I helped a friend move some stuff for his garage sale, and brought home some stuff.  Then I did a little work and went to the gym.  See above… I am sore.  I am not the weight I should be,  rolls of me get in my way.  But…

I went with my friend and we started on the treadmill.  She is much slimmer than I and had hers set on 3 mph, so I thought to myself, “Self, let’s try 3.”  So I did.  And I went 20 min.  Then we went over to the bike, and I did 10 min at lvl 5.  Eh.  See above… I’m slow, but not as slow as I thought I was.

Then we went over to the weight machines.  My friend is not in training with anyone so she does very light weights, I am doing weights 2x a week so I am stronger.  Then this big guy came over to work on the weights.  He was very very big.  Over 6 feet tall and over 300 pounds, but not in muscle.  He wouldn’t have to use a pillow to play Santa Clause.  But still, it’s a guy.  He gets on the chest press machine and sets the weights and does 3 sets… of 5 reps, at 30 pounds.  I am surprised.  Hmmmm.  My friend gets on and does 2 sets of 10 at 15 pounds.  I am not surprised.  I get on and try the 30, then the 40 then settle on 50 pounds,  3 sets of 15.  We go to the shoulder press, and she does 2 sets of 10 at 10 pounds, he does 3 sets of 5 at 20 pounds,  I do 3 sets of 12 at 30 pounds.  Now I’m really confused.  Don’t guys have superior upper body strength?  Then we go to the leg machines.  Leg extensions friend: 2 sets of 10 at 20 pounds; guy: 3 sets of 8 at 30 pounds; me: 3 sets of 12 at 45 pounds.  Leg curls friend: 2 sets of 10 at 15 pounds; guy: 3 sets of 8 at 30 pounds; me 3 sets of 12 at 45 pounds.  He goes to the triceps extension machine and does some over there then moseys over to the bikes to do about 10 min.  See above…I’m weak, but not as weak as that guy or my friend.  And even though I’m sore, I can do much more weight for more reps than either of them.

Both of them hobble out the door, totally spent and sure they’ll be emptying a bottle of ibuprophen when they get home.  I won’t feel this until tomorrow.

I fell off the wagon on my nutrition today.  I had a brownie.  I had a cheeseburger, and I had (gasp) popcorn at the movie.  *hangs head in shame*