Tag Archives: attitude

Just get started

OMG. I have been cleaning and sorting and tossing and processing for DAYS. I have another 20 yd dumpster coming on Friday and I may need a 3rd one.

My problem comes up when I look at something that needs to be put away, and I don’t know where it goes. I can’t put that picture or postcard into a scrapbook because I don’t have a scrapbook. I do not want to go to JoAnn’s and buy a scrapbook and all the glue and glitter and cutesy stuff. For heaven’s sake, I threw out 3000 postcards I’d saved over the last 50 years! I hadn’t looked at them, I hadn’t processed them, I hadn’t organized them. They were pretty when I got them and I loved the sights and the insight into the culture they provided, but after that first glance, I never looked at them again.

I get an important notice from a bank or from my business and I know it’s important, and I need to take care of it, but I don’t know where it goes. If I put it into a folder, I have that and 50 other “important pieces of paper” in that same folder. I can’t find it when I need it–if I need it. In fact, I don’t remember where the folder is! I have obsessively taken notes on all the important phone calls I’ve made. They’re all on the same piece of paper until that one gets filled, then I put another on top of it. My keyboard legs no longer rest on my desk, they teeter on the pile of notes.

I have business cards from some very important people. I wonder who they are and why I have their cards. I have used up bank cards and store cards that I haven’t used in decades. I’m afraid to throw them out.

I have plaques and awards that are in a pile or in a box. No one ever sees them. I don’t need to look at them. The only time they were important was when I received them in front of people that knew and appreciated what they were. But who throws out trophies and plaques?

I have a dream board in my office. It has dust on it. It had a picture of my Senior Vice President sitting at his desk with a speaking bubble over his head saying, “Great job Becky!  I’m so proud of you!” Something to aspire to, right? He hasn’t been in the business for a decade. I did have a cut-up credit card as part of this dream board, and I did cut it up. But now I have another one. It’s strictly for things such as hotel reservations and travel costs that I don’t want to pay for in cash. It has a low balance on it. (YAY!)

I get completely addled when I tackle a large project…too many things to do and no clear-cut starting place. I started in my office. I’ve made some progress, but now I find myself moving a pile from this flat space to that flat space and then ADDING to it. Ooops.

Just get started doing something.

Ok, well, I signed up for Noom. It has nothing to do with cleaning. I guess the “something” has to be more specific, hmmm? I’ll keep you posted.

Surprises

Unfortunately, not pleasant ones.

Took my hubby’s car in for a tune-up…End up with a brake job and some other adjustments. $600.  Still have to buy tires. $600. My emergency fund has been depleted because, silly me, I took a month off from teaching. I fully intended to do more financial work, and no appointments got scheduled. “Can you catch me after our vacation?” “Can you wait until after the family reunion?” “I have the perfect date!” (It’s while I’m in Denver.)  I don’t call many folks about financial stuff. They think I’m an idiot. I’m really quite good. The people that have worked with me are extremely pleased with the results I’ve given them. They don’t want to recommend me to their friends, though. But I had planned to do more appointments to keep my cash flow up.

I learned that my radical ideas (put a Republican into the Presidency– a REAL Republican, not one that joined the party to get elected) were, in fact, more radical than I thought.  I was expecting a whole bunch of Republicans to run against the incumbent because he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  They’re not fielding anyone? Bill Weld? Who’s he? So I stated that I was embarrassed to be associated with the Republican Party and I thought that the party SHOULD do a better job actually representing their constituents. The Republicans are of the opinion that their chief constituents ARE represented. I haven’t lynched anyone, I’ve been faithful to my husband, and I attend church regularly. I cannot tolerate lying, exaggerating, straying from the truth, and misrepresenting history. I am also not a millionaire. So the man in the highest office of the land represents the complete opposite of what I am and what I believe. I am embarrassed that our president is unfamiliar with our history and doesn’t operate from a basis of reason and rational thought but from emotional impulse.

When I stated that on Facebook, I was immediately criticized by people I thought were like-minded–intelligent, thoughtful, moral, upstanding, people of integrity. That was a surprise! I don’t know what to do! I took down my post, but the damage is done. I will now be a pariah within my circle of friends (that is diminishing exponentially) because I think the president of the USA should be a person of character, not a character from a soap opera.

I am unpleasantly surprised by the things I say.  I sit back and look what I’ve commented, what I’ve said, what I’ve implied and I find that a good portion of the time, it’s snarky and rude. I think I will just hide in my room away from the computer, and if I cannot remain in my room, I shall endeavor to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself.  I shall learn the polite nod and the socially acceptable smile and the genteel laugh. When folks that know me ask me what’s wrong, I will reply, “Nothing’s wrong. I have taken ‘people’ lessons and now know how to be a ‘people’ like everyone else.”

      The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.~

Edmund Burke

So I shall do nothing. I am not a good person. I worry too much that what I do would hurt the cause of good over evil. I shame the good, I embarrass the righteous, and I bring nothing of merit to the cause. If I shake my head and enter my thoughts into the rant book, those will never be read if I can help it. Evil will triumph on Earth because it is supposed to. Good will only triumph if I’m not involved and it will be apparent on Judgment Day. I believe with my whole heart that Jesus loves me and I should go to heaven, but I’ll probably get hung up on a technicality. “I’m sorry,” says St. Peter, “but remember that time you yelled at God because you couldn’t find your keys? What kind of person would trust their souls to God and then curse Him for your inability to organize your purse?  Most take the escalator, but we have a special Bat Pole for you over there.”

CW: …for ONE DAY

https://dailyflabbergast.wordpress.com/2019/07/25/wishful-thinking/

Just for ONE DAY

No desperation

No anxiety

No disappointment.

I made my plans.

The time table worked.

There were no surprises.

There was no impact.

Everything worked but felt empty.

There were no challenges either.

I took no risks.

I allowed no one else to take risks.

We were all safe. I was exhausted.

IT. WAS. BORING.

There, I said it.

There was no triumph

no stories

nothing to overcome.

That single day without…

Desperation produces innovation.

Anxiety encourages alternatives.

Disappointment grounds you.

Reach for unrealistic, for risk, for something beyond your grasp.

A day without awakens.

 

Oooh New Project!

Measurable Progress. Moving forward. Learning new things, and becoming a different person are lofty goals. Wait, becoming a different person? Why would you want to be a different person? Shouldn’t you like the person you are?

Let’s rephrase the question. Isn’t the person you currently are based on choices you’ve made and changes that resulted from those choices? If you had chosen to have a fruit smoothie for breakfast instead of an ultimate skillet, would that have affected the way you look and feel today? Well, of course. Would you be a different person?

What makes you you? Looking from the outside, the changes are microscopic, and we know from experience that microscopic changes become permanent and more noticeable when repeated every day. Looking from the heart, do you feel differently about yourself today than you did yesterday? Looking from the brain, how has your perspective of the world around you changed since yesterday? The real question, the one that makes you more like your ideal self, what did you put into your brain yesterday? When you were ordering your breakfast, how far ahead were you looking?

“Wow, I’m hungry!  That looks delicious!  I will have (make) that!” or

“Wow, I’m hungry! I’m hungry now because I ate late last night. It shouldn’t take much to fill me up now, so I’ll have just enough–something to tide me over to lunch.” or

“Wow, I’m hungry! What would be the healthiest thing to eat this morning? This will make me feel full, but won’t shoot all that sugar in, and that will be better than the caffeine that will make me hungry again before lunch. I will have (make) this.”

What did you read yesterday? What did you set out to learn yesterday? What ideas did you expose yourself to? What ideas were sparked from your conversations? What concepts did you explore? Do you think you built onto the self you were yesterday or did you add a branch? The only way you aren’t a different person today than you were yesterday is if you didn’t get up and do anything new. No, that’s not right. That would have been a choice and would have changed you the other way–made you less than you were the day before. In choosing not to expand, you shut down something in your head that looks for opportunities to grow. Your brain, desperate for something new, developed a slightly different perspective on the world, and because it was a microscopic change, you didn’t see it. I guess that regardless of what you do, you cannot be the same person you were yesterday. To put it bluntly, the only way you don’t change the person you were yesterday is if you freeze that moment when you are the person you choose to be and die in that precise moment.

Since this is MY blog, let me tell you what I did.

I wrote about the Rat Race concept because I’d been thinking of it all night. I went to have an adjustment to help me walk without a limp. I went to breakfast and worked on some puzzles so I don’t lose my marbles. I came home and started to learn French! (That’s a rant by the way.) I went to meet a friend of mine who’s collaborating with me on a manual that helps people plan conferences. I had Soul Food! (An Italian sausage with mustard and fried onions on a toasted bun, and some coleslaw.) I started sifting through ideas for an international speech to give for the Toastmasters Contest next spring. I gave a French Horn lesson. Then I watched some TV.

I am following “Criminal Minds” and the geek on the show has been thrown in prison pending his trial. Due to the machinations of the villain, instead of being put into protective custody (as an FBI agent, he’d be in mortal danger) he’s been put in General Population, and he’s not emotionally or physically equipped to handle this situation. So as I’m watching the episodes, I am noting the changes in his character. He has pitted his mind against so many clever serial killers; he has been exposed to many techniques that allow him to go undiscovered as a criminal; he has the IQ of over 150. I have noted his change in stance and the look in his eyes. He’s been bullied all his life, and his mother’s schizophrenic and has developed Alzheimer’s. Had he made one choice in his youth, he might have been one of the serial killers instead of the FBI agent that has caught them. He was tortured and drugged in one episode by a criminal who had a disassociative personality disorder, so he has some lingering PTSD. Will he become the killer he has chased? Will he defeat the villain that has put him into this situation, or will he kill him?

What fascinates me is how well the profilers read the people around them.  They’d be like wizards to normal people. They read micro-expressions, they are hyper-aware of their surroundings when confronting a criminal and can interpret unconscious behavioral traits like how the subjects arrange the pictures of their children or what clothes they like to wear. And yet…the members of this team are constantly flummoxed by newer and scarier criminals. They MUST grow and become different people in order to capture the bad guy.

The top people in industry and education and any other field you wish to examine are becoming, not static. Put something new into your brain every day, then ruminate on it and create some new idea, new thought, new action that will enhance what you put into your brain. It may change the way you feel about yourself and/or how you perceive the people and the world around you. Then you can choose to keep the information or discard it.

But you cannot remain the same person you were yesterday. You will be different tomorrow. The good news is that you are in complete control of who you choose to be.

I’m Fat

I was listening to a show on NPR this morning and they did an issue about obese people. Fat people haven’t always been considered gross and disgusting. Botticelli and Raphael featured full-figured women in their paintings.

   

Now, they are considered lazy, undisciplined, and weak.  Wait?  What does that have to do with weight? Do people think that fat people just don’t care about how they look?  And it is alllllll about how people look isn’t it.  Observe in the pictures that the women do not have defined abs and muscular shoulders. Normal people cannot attain that measure of fitness, but we’re shamed by the fact that we don’t.

The woman in the interview said she came out to her family and friends that she was fat. This was not news to the people she told. She didn’t do it for them, she did it for herself. She now defined herself as a fat person. How can weight define a person?  That’s ridiculous! She had some valid points though.

People view fat people in two different ways. Sloppy, lazy, undisciplined, weak fatties, and fat people trying to get thinner. They patronize the fat people trying to get thinner. They shame the fat people they perceive aren’t trying. They complain about sitting next to them on public transportation, in movie theaters, at events, because they take up soooo much space! They consider fat rolls gross. They make fun of women of significant size in leggings.

What do I mean about patronizing fat people trying to get thinner? “Oh, you just have to eat more salads!”  “You should try this exercise.” “Are you going to eat all of that?!” I have news for those well-meaning people. You couldn’t keep up with me in the gym. That’s right.  You heard me. I do 90 pounds on the crunch machine. I do 70 pounds on the lat pull machine. I do 15-20 pound biceps curls. I do 80-pound leg presses. I can go 30 min on an elliptical machine on level 6. I do 90 crunches and 45 push-ups. I live on about 1200 calories a day. I do not eat burgers and fries three times a day–more like 3 times in a month. I have pizza twice a month. So yes, some of us are really trying to lose the weight. It is NOT however because we can’t find clothes that don’t look like circus tents or Macy’s white sale bedding. It is NOT because eventually, we’ll be diabetic. It is NOT because we feel guilty that our “fat-related” illnesses are a drain on the public health system.

Why do we try so hard? Because we remember how it felt to be thinner. We remember not having to have help getting out of the couch or the car. We remember not wheezing when we went up the stairs. We remember not hurting when we walked long distances. We remember being able to walk into a store and just buy something because it looked cute. We remember knees and ankles and backs that didn’t crack when we moved. We remember running to fly kites and taking hikes and climbing trees.

My Fat does not define me. (Obie is surprised–Obie is my sentient fat by the way.) My size does not determine my intelligence, my work ethic or my self-discipline. It does restrict my activities and how I feel.

I am fat. And I don’t like it. And I’m working to get rid of that fat.

A Bad Winter

What an intriguing idea.  How do you define a Bad Winter?  I think there are actually two schools of thought on this.

               and          

Bad Winter…Blizzards                                                   Bad Winter…Too HOT

High winds and snow                                                       Heat and Humidity

Power outages                                                                    Turn on Air conditioning?

Damage                                                                                Hail?

Hazardous driving conditions                                        Who dreams of a Brown Christmas?

Good Winter… Blizzards                                                Good Winter…Just Right

Smell of pumpkin bread                                                   No coats

Hot Mulled cider                                                                 Ice Cream on Pie

Quiet of snow landscape                                                    Thunderstorms and Lightning

Sledding                                                                                 Football outside, no coats

Ice Skating                                                                             Skateboarding in Park

Holiday Inn and White Christmas                                    Latest blockbuster at the theater

Which camp do you belong to?  I’m weird…I love the snow.  As long as it’s OUT THERE and I’m IN HERE.  Baking bread, pies, soups, and other wonderful warm savory foods, and experimenting with different teas and coffees.  Netflix binges.  I love watching the kids build forts and snowmen, and making hot chocolate for when they come in, red nosed and laughing.

I didn’t love it when I was hanging out a window working drive through in the fast food joints.  I’m warm, I’m a Popsicle, I’m warm, my teeth are chattering, I’m warm…I remember thinking, “OH LORD!  Please don’t let me get the ones that have to count out their change and they’re 2 pennies short and HAVE to find those 2 pennies!”  “O Please!  Don’t want to talk to me while you’re waiting for your food!  My left arm is frozen!”  I didn’t love it when I had to walk 3/4 mile to my class from the dorm with a head wind and sleet and snow pelting my forehead.  I didn’t love it when I had to drive 180 miles on the interstate at 12 mph because of bad roads and accidents.

The idea of a Brown Christmas is not appealing to me.  Spending Christmas in Florida or Hawaii just doesn’t do it for me.  I’ll take a White Christmas please.

 

Why Bones drives me nuts

I like watching the show, “Bones” because it’s crime and forensic medicine.  I know that a blow to the bone will cause radiating micro-fractures and the younger injuries’ only fracture until they hit an older fracture.  In that way you can find the 1st blow.  FASCINATING!

When I first started watching the show, I noted it was based on the books of Kathy Reich, and that she was a consultant and producer for the show.  So I read them all.  I like the Temperance Brennan she writes about in the book.  She’s smart, intuitive (when it comes to investigation) and has a good sense of humor.

The show separates the Mental (Temperance) from the Emotional (Booth) entirely.   He has no factual, evidentiary basis for his investigations.  How does he get to the position he is in without that?  And Temperance is so devoid of emotional language and intuition that there is no way she would have gotten the job she is currently in.  She is SO literal in her language and her conversations as to make her a MORON!

For some reason, and it’s beyond me, every genius in the show expresses some sort of autism.  I have taught autistic people.  I have worked with geniuses.  You do not have to be a genius to be autistic, and you do not have to be autistic to be a genius.  And I know of NO autistic people that act like Temperance or Zach Addy–another character in the show.  Yes, autistic people can be socially awkward, but for crying out loud…an anthropologist who’d done any field work, as Temperance has supposedly done on numerous occasions, would preclude her behavior in social situations.

One episode, they were investigating a murder on the Jersey Shore.  They were in a club and dancing when one of the suspects steals ice and throws it on people.  He is posturing for the girls (and she points that out) and when he threatens, SHE comes in and postures like a gorilla.  Any anthropologist with experience would know that women do not posture to men.  And men, unlike gorillas, posture with chest moves and stance within the other person’s space.  Eye to eye.  Not like a gorilla.  She has a running dialog that explains the anthropological significance of everything she sees.  Most of the time everything she says that she thinks is of great import is painfully obvious to the average people around her.  So at least 60% of the time she’s interacting with the characters in the show, she comes off as a moron.  She takes EVERYTHING literally.  She makes a point to vocally document everything down to the smallest detail on things that don’t need documentation, and then when it comes to the bones and bodies she deals with, she glosses over the tiniest bit that NEEDS documentation as something everyone would notice.  So she’s inconsistent.

Holmes is a genius, and he’s awkward in social situations, but he doesn’t come off as a moron.  Columbo comes off as a moron because that’s his process.  He’s a bit awkward in social situations because he’s observing the behavior of his suspects.  He looks for the microscopic superiority smile that all his villains exhibit.  Dr. Reed in CSI is very awkward in social situations, but he NEVER comes off as a moron.  He doesn’t take anything so literally that he cannot understand the reference.  Temperance takes everything literally, she pays no attention to the mind behind the villain.  She can’t assimilate the culture she lives in but she can understand the cultures of small remote tribes or civilizations centuries gone.

What I guess I’m saying is this:  I like the idea of a Female Forensic Anthropologist that is amazing at what she does.  I like the idea of a team of geniuses solving murders that no one else could solve.  But I don’t like the aspect that these brilliant people are really social morons that we must treat with kid gloves and teach them how to integrate into society so they can function within the norms.  I get the idea that if they were not morons, everyone would be afraid of them due to Mad Scientist syndrome.  The geniuses are better than the average person and will take over the world by using their evil intellect.  Because we all know…All Smart People Are Evil and Intelligence is not something to be desired.  *Pushes Sarcasm Button repeatedly until it sparks and blows up*

CW: Saltines, a horseshoe and a thumbtack…

Pregnant

Again!!!

I’m not ready

Oooo, that was bad, need saltines

My next appointment

a small card on the bulletin board

I pull the card

contemplate…crap just dropped the tack

Pick it…urp…run to bathroom

eat another saltine

take card back and tack it to bulletin board

eat another saltine

take a walk to my rose garden

enjoy breathing something

that doesn’t make me puke

5th time’s the charm…

Charm Hmmm

1st was St. Christopher medal

2nd was my old pet rock

3rd was a bunny foot

4th was early!  Shamrock at the last minute

This one kicks like a horse…

How about a horse shoe?

I don’t have a horse shoe…

How about a ballet shoe?

eat another saltine

 

Creative Writing Challenge: I am not your father

She flinched

He pulled back

I know you’re afraid

“You don’t know me!” she said vehemently.

I know you… you’re me

“I’m nothing like you!”

I used to flinch like that.

“So?”

I used to cry like that.

“So?”

I have scars like that.

“What?  Really?”

He used his belt, and his cigarettes.

“So?”

You miss him?

“…yes.”

I miss my father too.

“Why?”

Because he was what I knew.

I thought that’s what fathers did.

He said he loved me.

“Mine did too.”

I think my father liked the idea of me, and not really me.

I always disappointed him.

“Me too.”

Here’s a tissue.

“Thanks.”

I don’t know how long you’ll be here.

“I know.”

I will love you like my own kids.  You’ll see no marks on them.

“So?”

Give me your hands.

We can let that be our hug.

I’m not my father, and I am not your father…but I can be your Dad for a while.

 

 

Bubble wrap vs Kylo Ren

Kylo Ren has a problem.

Kylo is a master of the force; he has a big light saber with nasty hand guards that don’t apparently have any function; he has an unnatural fanaticism for his grandfather–Darth Vader; and he has a temper.  Now you have to understand that in the end, Darth Vader killed the emperor/Sith Lord to save his son.  He also gave up the Dark Side of the force and repented his evil ways.  Kylo has murdered the Sith Lord, Snoke, because Snoke threatened the girl he had been having “force initiated” conversations.  Someone called them Forceskype.  He totally wrote off the fact that Darth Vader denounced the dark side, and Kylo prefers to be the all-powerful voice-enhanced, shirtless wonder of the dark side of the force.  He’s all messed up.  Leia and Luke, the people he knew had the force, did not exhibit temper tantrums, and cool Han, the force muggle, didn’t either.  Vader, on occasion, would threaten violence in the form of a force choke hold, but until the emperor, he didn’t destroy property or murder people in a fit of pique.  So how did he come upon this terrible behavior?

My theory is that when he was little, nobody gave him bubble wrap.

“No Kylo, you can’t have the candy, it will ruin your dinner!”

*Popping noises*

“OK Mom.”

“Congratulations Kylo!  You got an A- on the spelling test!” says the teacher

“An A MINUS?!”  

*Popping noises*

“Which word did I miss?  I’ll get it right in the spelling bee…”

“Kylo hurry up!  You’ll be late for your Jedi classes with Uncle Luke!”

I hate Jedi classes, and I don’t like Uncle Luke much either.”

“You want to have control over that force don’t you?”

*Popping noises*

“I guess.  I’ll just get my shoes on.  I’m coming.”

“Don’t forget to smile for your school picture!”

The thing is, there are so many times when if we had bubble wrap, the urge to kill, maim, fire bomb, or sing opera would simply fade away.

“Let’s create a planet killing Death Star!”  *pop pop pop*  “Or not…”

“Let’s destroy this whole village of Resistance supporters!”  *pop pop pop* “or just take all their bubble wrap.”

“Luke, I am your…” *pop pop pop* “What on earth are you playing with boy?  Pay attention to me when I reveal earth shattering news!”  *pop pop pop*  Darth cuts of Luke’s hand anyway.

What if Hitler had had bubble wrap?  “Let’s invade Poland!”  *pop pop pop* “Why am I hungry for loud breakfast cereal?”

Attila the Hun?  “Ok, let’s just take these elephants over the Alps.  They won’t be expecting us from…??  What’s that stuff?  It looks like fun! *pop pop pop*

Demon to Devil, “Oh look!  God has made humanity!”

“Well let’s see how we can mess this up.  Hey Eve!  You want this nice shiny delicious fruit?”

*pop pop pop*

“Eve?”

*pop pop pop*

“Adam?  Aren’t you just a smidge hungry?”

“Yo Eve baby!  You got some more of that divine bubble wrap?”

“Ya hon.  It’s over there by the monkeys.”  *pop pop pop*

Every serial killer ever–

“I feel the urge… the urge to purge!  There’s a like likely victim!  Come here little girl…What do you have there?”  *pop pop pop*  “?  Give me that.”  *pop pop pop*  Little girl skips down the street.

There’s something addictive about popping those little bubbles.  It soothes the soul.  It distracts the mind.  It is destruction that doesn’t leave a mess.  It is noise without pain.  It’s just so darned fun!  Think of the fun they could have at estate dinners!  Think of the summit meetings!  Think of the State of the Union Addresses!  If the democrats had had any imagination, they would have put whoopee cushions in the seats so every time the president got the republicans to stand up, when they sat down…  And the democrats would not have had to applaud, they’d just *pop pop pop* and the president would mistake it for applause.  And if anyone didn’t like a particular part of the speech, they’d just start popping and drown it out.  Think of the UN Security Council meetings.  The Chair recognizes the esteemed representative from the Iranian Empire. *pop pop pop*

“Deputy Director of Operations, CIA, sir…  we have found the terrorists!”

“What have you done?”

“We dropped 300 pounds of the small gauge bubble wrap on them.”

“Do the liberals know?”

“Doesn’t matter.  We dropped 350 pounds of the bubble wrap on them about the same time.”

In conclusion, we can only speculate, but even our worst case scenario would suggest that the final tally would read:  bubble wrap 1, Kylo Ren 0.  Case closed.