Why Bones drives me nuts

I like watching the show, “Bones” because it’s crime and forensic medicine.  I know that a blow to the bone will cause radiating micro-fractures and the younger injuries’ only fracture until they hit an older fracture.  In that way you can find the 1st blow.  FASCINATING!

When I first started watching the show, I noted it was based on the books of Kathy Reich, and that she was a consultant and producer for the show.  So I read them all.  I like the Temperance Brennan she writes about in the book.  She’s smart, intuitive (when it comes to investigation) and has a good sense of humor.

The show separates the Mental (Temperance) from the Emotional (Booth) entirely.   He has no factual, evidentiary basis for his investigations.  How does he get to the position he is in without that?  And Temperance is so devoid of emotional language and intuition that there is no way she would have gotten the job she is currently in.  She is SO literal in her language and her conversations as to make her a MORON!

For some reason, and it’s beyond me, every genius in the show expresses some sort of autism.  I have taught autistic people.  I have worked with geniuses.  You do not have to be a genius to be autistic, and you do not have to be autistic to be a genius.  And I know of NO autistic people that act like Temperance or Zach Addy–another character in the show.  Yes, autistic people can be socially awkward, but for crying out loud…an anthropologist who’d done any field work, as Temperance has supposedly done on numerous occasions, would preclude her behavior in social situations.

One episode, they were investigating a murder on the Jersey Shore.  They were in a club and dancing when one of the suspects steals ice and throws it on people.  He is posturing for the girls (and she points that out) and when he threatens, SHE comes in and postures like a gorilla.  Any anthropologist with experience would know that women do not posture to men.  And men, unlike gorillas, posture with chest moves and stance within the other person’s space.  Eye to eye.  Not like a gorilla.  She has a running dialog that explains the anthropological significance of everything she sees.  Most of the time everything she says that she thinks is of great import is painfully obvious to the average people around her.  So at least 60% of the time she’s interacting with the characters in the show, she comes off as a moron.  She takes EVERYTHING literally.  She makes a point to vocally document everything down to the smallest detail on things that don’t need documentation, and then when it comes to the bones and bodies she deals with, she glosses over the tiniest bit that NEEDS documentation as something everyone would notice.  So she’s inconsistent.

Holmes is a genius, and he’s awkward in social situations, but he doesn’t come off as a moron.  Columbo comes off as a moron because that’s his process.  He’s a bit awkward in social situations because he’s observing the behavior of his suspects.  He looks for the microscopic superiority smile that all his villains exhibit.  Dr. Reed in CSI is very awkward in social situations, but he NEVER comes off as a moron.  He doesn’t take anything so literally that he cannot understand the reference.  Temperance takes everything literally, she pays no attention to the mind behind the villain.  She can’t assimilate the culture she lives in but she can understand the cultures of small remote tribes or civilizations centuries gone.

What I guess I’m saying is this:  I like the idea of a Female Forensic Anthropologist that is amazing at what she does.  I like the idea of a team of geniuses solving murders that no one else could solve.  But I don’t like the aspect that these brilliant people are really social morons that we must treat with kid gloves and teach them how to integrate into society so they can function within the norms.  I get the idea that if they were not morons, everyone would be afraid of them due to Mad Scientist syndrome.  The geniuses are better than the average person and will take over the world by using their evil intellect.  Because we all know…All Smart People Are Evil and Intelligence is not something to be desired.  *Pushes Sarcasm Button repeatedly until it sparks and blows up*

CW: Saltines, a horseshoe and a thumbtack…

Pregnant

Again!!!

I’m not ready

Oooo, that was bad, need saltines

My next appointment

a small card on the bulletin board

I pull the card

contemplate…crap just dropped the tack

Pick it…urp…run to bathroom

eat another saltine

take card back and tack it to bulletin board

eat another saltine

take a walk to my rose garden

enjoy breathing something

that doesn’t make me puke

5th time’s the charm…

Charm Hmmm

1st was St. Christopher medal

2nd was my old pet rock

3rd was a bunny foot

4th was early!  Shamrock at the last minute

This one kicks like a horse…

How about a horse shoe?

I don’t have a horse shoe…

How about a ballet shoe?

eat another saltine

 

Creative Writing Challenge: I am not your father

She flinched

He pulled back

I know you’re afraid

“You don’t know me!” she said vehemently.

I know you… you’re me

“I’m nothing like you!”

I used to flinch like that.

“So?”

I used to cry like that.

“So?”

I have scars like that.

“What?  Really?”

He used his belt, and his cigarettes.

“So?”

You miss him?

“…yes.”

I miss my father too.

“Why?”

Because he was what I knew.

I thought that’s what fathers did.

He said he loved me.

“Mine did too.”

I think my father liked the idea of me, and not really me.

I always disappointed him.

“Me too.”

Here’s a tissue.

“Thanks.”

I don’t know how long you’ll be here.

“I know.”

I will love you like my own kids.  You’ll see no marks on them.

“So?”

Give me your hands.

We can let that be our hug.

I’m not my father, and I am not your father…but I can be your Dad for a while.

 

 

Bubble wrap vs Kylo Ren

Kylo Ren has a problem.

Kylo is a master of the force; he has a big light saber with nasty hand guards that don’t apparently have any function; he has an unnatural fanaticism for his grandfather–Darth Vader; and he has a temper.  Now you have to understand that in the end, Darth Vader killed the emperor/Sith Lord to save his son.  He also gave up the Dark Side of the force and repented his evil ways.  Kylo has murdered the Sith Lord, Snoke, because Snoke threatened the girl he had been having “force initiated” conversations.  Someone called them Forceskype.  He totally wrote off the fact that Darth Vader denounced the dark side, and Kylo prefers to be the all-powerful voice-enhanced, shirtless wonder of the dark side of the force.  He’s all messed up.  Leia and Luke, the people he knew had the force, did not exhibit temper tantrums, and cool Han, the force muggle, didn’t either.  Vader, on occasion, would threaten violence in the form of a force choke hold, but until the emperor, he didn’t destroy property or murder people in a fit of pique.  So how did he come upon this terrible behavior?

My theory is that when he was little, nobody gave him bubble wrap.

“No Kylo, you can’t have the candy, it will ruin your dinner!”

*Popping noises*

“OK Mom.”

“Congratulations Kylo!  You got an A- on the spelling test!” says the teacher

“An A MINUS?!”  

*Popping noises*

“Which word did I miss?  I’ll get it right in the spelling bee…”

“Kylo hurry up!  You’ll be late for your Jedi classes with Uncle Luke!”

“I hate Jedi classes, and I don’t like Uncle Luke much either.”

“You want to have control over that force don’t you?”

*Popping noises*

“I guess.  I’ll just get my shoes on.  I’m coming.”

“Don’t forget to smile for your school picture!”

The thing is, there are so many times when if we had bubble wrap, the urge to kill, maim, fire bomb, or sing opera would simply fade away.

“Let’s create a planet killing Death Star!”  *pop pop pop*  “Or not…”

“Let’s destroy this whole village of Resistance supporters!”  *pop pop pop* “or just take all their bubble wrap.”

“Luke, I am your…” *pop pop pop* “What on earth are you playing with boy?  Pay attention to me when I reveal earth shattering news!”  *pop pop pop*  Darth cuts of Luke’s hand anyway.

What if Hitler had had bubble wrap?  “Let’s invade Poland!”  *pop pop pop* “Why am I hungry for loud breakfast cereal?”

Attila the Hun?  “Ok, let’s just take these elephants over the Alps.  They won’t be expecting us from…??  What’s that stuff?  It looks like fun! *pop pop pop*

Demon to Devil, “Oh look!  God has made humanity!”

“Well let’s see how we can mess this up.  Hey Eve!  You want this nice shiny delicious fruit?”

*pop pop pop*

“Eve?”

*pop pop pop*

“Adam?  Aren’t you just a smidge hungry?”

“Yo Eve baby!  You got some more of that divine bubble wrap?”

“Ya hon.  It’s over there by the monkeys.”  *pop pop pop*

Every serial killer ever–

“I feel the urge… the urge to purge!  There’s a like likely victim!  Come here little girl…What do you have there?”  *pop pop pop*  “?  Give me that.”  *pop pop pop*  Little girl skips down the street.

There’s something addictive about popping those little bubbles.  It soothes the soul.  It distracts the mind.  It is destruction that doesn’t leave a mess.  It is noise without pain.  It’s just so darned fun!  Think of the fun they could have at estate dinners!  Think of the summit meetings!  Think of the State of the Union Addresses!  If the democrats had had any imagination, they would have put whoopee cushions in the seats so every time the president got the republicans to stand up, when they sat down…  And the democrats would not have had to applaud, they’d just *pop pop pop* and the president would mistake it for applause.  And if anyone didn’t like a particular part of the speech, they’d just start popping and drown it out.  Think of the UN Security Council meetings.  The Chair recognizes the esteemed representative from the Iranian Empire. *pop pop pop*

“Deputy Director of Operations, CIA, sir…  we have found the terrorists!”

“What have you done?”

“We dropped 300 pounds of the small gauge bubble wrap on them.”

“Do the liberals know?”

“Doesn’t matter.  We dropped 350 pounds of the bubble wrap on them about the same time.”

In conclusion, we can only speculate, but even our worst case scenario would suggest that the final tally would read:  bubble wrap 1, Kylo Ren 0.  Case closed.

 

White out

 “Smoke, Fog, and Haze: Write about not being able to see ahead of you.”
– writing prompt for today’s CW piece.

White

Silent but for the sound of wind

Isolation

What is it that is so critical that I must be here?

I see the tail lights in front of me, but they swerve

It is slick

I must get home, I cannot stay here

I see my warm kitchen, smell banana bread

Feel the warmth of my fire

My hands are cold

My wipers, ineffective

I’m shivering in my seat

I must get home, I cannot stay here

My radio is playing Vivaldi

The programmer has a sense of humor…playing Summer

I smile just a bit

But I must concentrate very hard

It’s difficult to drive by feel

How slow?

How careful?

How long until I’m safe?

I must get home, I cannot stay here

Blizzards, fun to watch

Not having fun now…

Pull over?

Wait it out?

2 more hours.

I must get home, I cannot stay here.

Trust my feeling

Trust my instinct

Trust the road

Trust those driving ahead and behind

It’s hard to trust

I must, because

I must get home, I cannot stay here

Fall back position

I tend to go to subversion as my first fallback when things don’t go right.  It upset me to discover this, but I know WHY I do that (after some reflection.)

1.  Follow the rules.  Stay within the parameters.
2. Watch as an incompetent takes over and screws it up and derails the project.  This brings up two pathways: wait for experience to kick in, the lesson to be learned, whatever that gets us back on track or watch the doofus crash and burn and the project stay off track and fail so I can say “I told you so.”
3. So I wait for the turn around and it never happens.  But I want the project to succeed, both for my benefit and for the others involved in the project
4. Doofus gets schooled by higher ups or more experienced people on the team and gets discouraged but in order to save face DOESN’T CHANGE ANYTHING AND MAY EVEN EXASPERATE THE SITUATION! 
5. I become subversive and the project succeeds in spite of the mismanagement because we are back on track.

I am too old and too impatient to go through all 5 steps Every Single Time.  In my experience in the public schools and as a business owner/operator and in fast food, and in the many organizations I have been a part of (from Girl Scouts to Church Choir…) it’s always the same 5 steps.  There were some projects that I was indifferent to, and those I let founder.  And though I didn’t say it out loud, I snickered to myself, “I told them so…”  Now, I recognize the signs early on, and exasperated, I assume that the Doofus that is messing things up is not coachable or amenable to change.  He/She will not learn the lessons.  Why go through the effort of mentoring them and coaching them if they keep saying, “I got it from here” and they clearly don’t “got it?”  I’m not saying micromanage, because we all know how futile that is.  So instead of falling back on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th steps and especially with a time crunch, I revert to step 5 as a default.  That’s the way I have programmed myself to think.  Unless something changes in the human condition that contra-indicates this conclusion, that will be my general approach to situations like these.

International Speech! Trial Run

1.  Open with a bang… or silence… or a combination.  Ah…

*Walks on stage with purse.  Quietly pulls a package of black cats out of the purse and places it  on the floor in the front, and lights the lighter.*  “There’s gotta be a better way to time these things!”  *Looks up.*  “Oh, hello!  Ya know?  I don’t think I’ll light this just yet.  It’s just a trial run.  Mr. Contest master, Fellow Toastmasters, esteemed judges and the judges I paid off earlier, and guests.  This is my international speech.  Now I realize it’s a very very prestigious thing to win, so I worked hard on this speech and did my due diligence.  I watched EVERY SINGLE winning and losing speech that has been recorded since the beginning of time.  I took notes.  I watched winners on YouTube telling me how they won.  I watched experts who have coached contestants who won.  And I have watched, well, listened to, these people purporting to be judges with their voices altered and in the dark on how to win.  I even joined a group that was going to coach me through the process!  I NOW have a SYSTEM!  I HAVE THE FORMULA!”

2.  Refer to your mother and relive your childhood.  Check!

“I remember my childhood.  I was shorter.  I remember my Mama’s ankles, and her feet on the pedals of the piano in our living room.  I remember my Mama’s sweet voice saying, ‘Didn’t you practice at all this week?  You sound like someone sat on a piano!  Play it again from the beginning and use your fingers and not your butt!’  She must have been kidding because the students never got off the bench when they were playing.  She used to say to me, ‘Don’t ever grab my feet when I’m playing Chopin! It’s a crime against humanity!'”

3.  Make sure you use emotion.  Check!

“I had a funny childhood.”  *Laughs uncontrollably.  Then just as suddenly breaks into sobs.*  “Not everyone agreed with me about what was funny.  Sometimes they violently disagreed.  I still have that effect when it comes to humor, but now people just shake their heads and groan instead of throwing heavy objects.”

4.  Have a point.  Check!

*Pulls out a knitting needle.  Looks at it, then puts it back into bag.*

5.  Have a tag line.  Check!

“Dry Clean ONLY!  I will now translate this statement into 160 Earth languages, Klingon and Wookie.”  *Checks watch.  Looks above stage for translations.*  “OK, never mind.”

6. Tell another story.  Check!

“Wait, original story?  OK, original it is.  Once upon a time in a Galaxy Far Far Away…  Uh Oh!  That guy in the third row is looking that one up.  Eek!  It was the best of times, it was the…  I hate GOOGLE!  Hold on a second.  Here’s one:  In college, I had a professor that liked to intimidate people, especially me.  He used to make fun of me mercilessly.  He was in the midst of another diatribe and I said, ‘If you say one more word about me, I’ll come down and bite you in the leg!’ and he did.  And I did.  We became fast friends, until he started foaming at the mouth.  I heard he spent a week in the hospital.”

7.  Have a point.  Huh?  a different size or color or the same point?

*Gets a larger knitting needle out of bag.  Looks at it.  Points to it.  Puts it back into bag*

8.  Tell sad story with a moral.  Try to use short sentences and make the ending uplifting.  Got it!

“I got hit by a revolving door and when I fell down, I heard my hip break.  It hurt terribly.  I almost cried. The moral of the story is: Don’t walk into glass walls when in a revolving door! The door doesn’t stop.  When the EMT’s came they lifted me into the Ambulance.”

9.  Use the tag line and tell another story.  You betcha!

*Sings “You’re the flower of my heart Sweet Adeline!” * I was a baritone. I will now regale you with a favorite story of mine from Rome.  It was the second story of a hotel there.  It was just beautiful with red carpet and fancy door handles and room numbers.”

10.  Make sure you use a lot of the stage.  It is also recommended that you lie down on the floor for maximum impact.  ??

“Nah, Not going to happen.  I can’t run like I used to and if I impact the stage, I may re-break my hip.  Even if I don’t break it, it would take a pulley system to get me off the floor.  I don’t see a set up like that here, so I think I’ll just skip this step.”

11.  Have a great conclusion.  Yup!

“Ladies and Gentlemen!  This concludes my International Speech!  Thank you!  Drive home safely.  Don’t forget to tip your waiter.  Where do I get my prize money?”  *Starts to walk off stage.  Changes directions to walk the other way.  Remembers black cats and grabs them gets out lighter.*  “Wait!  I know where my biggest competitor’s room is…”  *Laughs evilly and walks off stage.*

 

 

WTH

What if things go wrong.  You can count on things going wrong actually.  They’re very consistent.  You have a plan, you execute the plan, the plan goes off the rails, you throw the plan out.  Those are Captain Cold’s rules.  He then gets trapped in a room with a giant shark/man mutant from another dimension (Demention?  from crazy town?)  He does get rescued in time though.

I am on this weird journey to make Measurable progress in getting fit.  My 1st entry in this blog was March 6, 2014.  OMG.  I was 208 pounds then.  I’m 218 now.  Since that 1st entry, I have looked for the right combination of exercise and diet that would get me down to about 140 pounds which I haven’t weighed since my youngest was born…143 pounds plus or minus.  I remember that weight because I was 143 pounds going into the hospital as a pregnant lady, and came out weighing 143 pounds AFTER the child was born.  How is that possible?  He was 7# 4 oz.  I should have weighed at least 7 pounds less coming out!  That was the beginning of this strange journey into obesity.  Hahaha!  I can blame my boy!  Nope, that won’t work.

I cut myself down to 1200 calories a day.  I have been at 1200 calories a day for 3 years.  I have tried cutting out chocolate, then bread, then carbs in general, then colas, and at one time I existed on soup for a week.  Of course that was because I had a terrible respiratory virus that precluded me from eating solid food.  I couldn’t keep anything down but soup.  I do not recommend it.  I have exercised cardio and strength training 5 days a week with a trainer 3 days of those days, and I have exercised on my own taking occasional walks and going to the gym to work on the tread mill once a week.  I have been told I’m eating too little.  I have been told that to really lose the weight, I have to go on an 800 calorie diet and take supplements.  I have been told that all I need to do was portion control.  I have been told that all I need to do is start a running regimen.

In the course of this journey, I have had a 1/2″ kidney stone, I have broken my hip, and I have suffered all sorts of indignities that go with being too big.  I especially hate shopping for clothes.  “Here, try this tent on, the circus won’t be back until spring.”  I cannot physically get into a swimsuit because I cannot bend over to get both my feet in.  It doesn’t work like underwear.  I used to love swimming.  I used to love dancing.  I’m winded going up to the sidewalk of the gym.  I watch all the weight loss commercials and think to myself, well they wouldn’t work for me.  I think the laws of physics and biology bend around me.  I think I have ranted on this before…if you eat less and exercise more, you use more calories than you take in and you lose weight.  Unless you’re not eating enough, then they pile on.  If you are awake really late at night because you have something on your mind, and you’re moving, you’re using more calories, right?  But if you don’t get enough sleep, you gain weight.  So the laws of physics apply to every situation except when they don’t.

I HAVE NO VICES!  I do not overeat.  I do not smoke.  I do not drink.  I do not commit adultery.  I do not gamble.  I might be addicted to Longmire, but I don’t think that’s a vice since it has a definite ending point.  And yet…  I cannot find the energy to clean, or cook, or garden, or walk or dance or swim because I am so big and it takes so much effort.  I get depressed because I know I DO have 6-pack abs, but they’re so insulated that no one can see them.  I used to dance 5 hours a day.  I used to hike 10 miles.  I used to go on bike rides all over.  I used to march and play a horn for an hour a day.  I used to chase 5 kids around.  I used to be a pit pop who moved the percussion instruments on and off the field and in and out of the trucks.  I used to set field props for band contests.  I couldn’t do any of that now, even at gunpoint.

And now, I have another physical issue.  I don’t want to be in a state of always having to do something to fix something.  I don’t want to take medicine for the rest of my life.  I want it fixed.  When the light bulb goes out, you replace it.  You don’t have to monitor it every stinking day to see if there is something that MIGHT go wrong with it.  When you replace a broken window, you do it and it’s fixed.  There is no daily activity you have to do to make sure the fixed window hasn’t degraded into a broken window.  When you break a bone and they reset it, it heals and then EVERY FREAKING DAY you have to exercise the muscles around it so you can continue to use it for the rest of your life.  Because once it’s broken, it’s ruined.  Nothing will ever be right about it from that point on.  If you have a kidney stone, EVEN AFTER YOU’VE PASSED IT, you’re likely to have more.  The kidney is ruined and nothing will ever be right about it from that point on.  If you’ve gained weight, by whatever means it has happened, your metabolism is ruined and it will never be right again.  Every day, you start from 0.  It’s like Forrest Gump if he were in the Outer Limits. He starts his cross country run, runs for 25-30 miles.  He goes to sleep and wakes up the next morning in his bedroom.

As a good friend of mine says, “Oh Well.”

Crutches

Ever get off the crutches too early?  You start doing compensating behaviors (like the way you changed the route you took to your desk so the hand rails would be on the correct side.)  You change your stance, you change your gait, and then things heal wrong.  You start compensating to the point where you prevent healing.

This happens on emotional and mental arenas as well.  You wake up, trip on the covers and bonk your toe on a chair.  Then you say to yourself, “Well, it’s going to be one of THOSE days!”  Why would you set yourself up like that?  It’s emotionally and mentally safer that way.  You’re expecting things to go wrong so that when they do, you pat yourself on the back and say, “Yup, you called it right!  It IS one of THOSE days!”  What if instead, you said, “Well I got the worst part of my day over with and it’s not even 7:30 AM!  Woohoo!”  What if something else went wrong during the day?  What if it WAS worse than smacking your toe?!  You’d be WRONG in your ASSESSMENT!  Has anyone heard your assessment?  How would anyone else know?  Ahhhh, you go around telling everyone what a horrible day it has turned out to be today and it’s not even 10 AM.  Why?  Because misery loves company.

How about those of us that say, “Well I’m certainly klutzy today.”  That gives us license to spill the coffee on that goofball in accounting that thinks he’s clever and is always trying to be witty in the break room.  It gives us an excuse to knock all the papers off Mr. Never-makes-a-mistake’s desk so he has to put them alllllllll back in order again.  It gives us permission to be mean and blame it on our klutziness as exhibited in the privacy of our bedroom earlier that morning.  Wait… No one saw that.  Hmmmm.  You could make up a story about your short comings and have a ball taking out all those people that annoy you!

1. I didn’t get my morning coffee, I’m grumpy.  We can tease and yell and complain all day!
2. I couldn’t find my keys this morning, I’m losing everything!  Like the report we didn’t do or the party funds we might use to buy lunch today…
3. I’m so distracted today!  I can’t focus on …squirrel!  That allows us the freedom to stare out the window during the meeting, and interrupt the blabbermouth as he regales everyone with his boring golf stories.

But see?  This makes you the annoying person in the office.  It is fun, but it isn’t right.  Do not use a single characteristic to paint your whole day.  Do not ascribe a temporary shortfall in your abilities to a fatal flaw in your character.  So when you stub your toe, just say OUCH.  If you don’t get your coffee, drink some at work or on the way.  If no coffee makes you grumpy, you have much bigger problems.  If you lose your keys, be extra attentive to your belongings.  If you’re distracted, go to the bathroom and collect your thoughts so you can refocus.  Because eventually, if you have that many fatal flaws, and destiny is against you, you will be hit by a bus.

 

Why does it take so looooonnnnnnngggggg?

Broke my hip in August.  10 months.  3 months now without cane or crutches.  My Physical Therapist says, “Try not to walk with a limp.”  OK.  But my injured leg doesn’t come straight up and down when I step on it.  It kinda lists off to one side.  When I walk on the tread mill, my gait is ok, but when I’m done, my right arm is sore.  “Don’t lean on it.”  ok.  “Try not to walk with a limp.”  *puts hand back on handle bars for tread mill.*  “Now that’s good, just take your hand off now.”  *takes hand off*  “Now try not to walk with a limp…”  repeat.

They’re all confused about what to do with my gait.  So they sent me to the shoe store to get better shoes.  I paid $165 for shoes that hurt.  They have a wide sole and a very hard and high arch.  I slide to the outside of the shoe.  (Gravity tends to work that way.  Put something on a hill and it will slide down.)  “Your gait needs improving.  The shoes are fine; you are messed up.”  I have blisters on the tops of my toes on one foot, and the tarsometatarsal joint on the outside of my foot goes out of place if I step on uneven ground.  This is most unpleasant.  Since I was a dance teacher many years ago, I know how to pop it back in, but that doesn’t make it less painful, and it doesn’t solve the problem.

I tripped over a broken hose this morning, and it hurt that foot, and also the thigh on my injured leg.  Here I am at 7:30 AM and my day is already slated to be nasty.  I’m driving through the heavy rain with lightning and thunder, and the guy on the radio says, there’s a better chance for rain (50%!) for tomorrow.  How can a 50% chance of rain be better than the 100% that we have now?  Will it rain more earnestly?  My conclusion is that the day brings what the day brings, and hurting myself 1st thing in the morning does not dictate how the rest of the day will go.