Tag Archives: sense of humor

Ren Faire!

Ren Fairs are interesting…

It’s where people may or may not dress up as they think people would have dressed up in the 1200-1700’s.  500 years of fashion stuffed unceremoniously into a market.  Oh and it may be Renaissance or Fantasy.  You’ll see people with horns and wings and feathers.  They’ll wear midriff baring outfits and nun’s robes.  They’ll wear faux pirate gear and costumes that include armor from 4 different countries and 3 different centuries of manufacture.  They’ll wear $400 boots with a “I made this myself” fairy costume.  They’re selling wooden swords, beer steins, and games.  You want a weapon?  There are plastic and aluminum copies of authentic arms, and light sabers.  Tacky jewelry to works of art can be 2 tents from each other.

Turkey legs–smoked and served in aluminum foil and a paper basket or fish ‘n’ chips seem to be the popular food.  Why is this funny?  No turkeys in Europe until 1550’s and then not to common people.

But…I love Ren Fairs!!!  The choreographed fights, the belly dancing, the fake English Accents (because all Renaissance fairs are English) the trolls and creatures and costumes, and those dam turkey legs.

I got to thinking.  Did the people in the Renaissance have 1C Fairs?  Did people dress up in Roman and Greek outfits?  Would the tourists dress up in their favorite apostle garb?  Everyone would have had to speak in a very bad Greek or Latin accent.  They’d have to lose the colorful outfits they wore and choose plain peasant robes.florence-celebrations

(Yes, those are authentic outfits from the Renaissance.  These below were designed by Michelangelo…not the turtle, the guy that did David…)

Ren outfits

Go to the 1C fair!  Wear a sheet!  Might have different pagan gods, fair folk, leprechauns, and other mythical creatures on display and wandering on the midway, and those that still worship those gods waiting for the lightning to strike.  Instead of jousts and such, they could feed the Christians to the Lions at 1:00 3:00 and 5:30 shows.  (No not REAL lions!  They wouldn’t get volunteers that way!)  They could serve Roman Pork and wine and some beer from Goth.  The Goths would wander around the fair and threaten the civilized people dressed as Romans.  It could be fun.

Or you could go REALLY far back and have Ark-Fest!  They could have a large boat on display with all sorts of zoological exhibits.  They could have a rain dance!  They could throw fake rocks at each other!  They could close the Festival every night by having 1 guy at the top of the tower yelling through a megaphone, “Was that Thunder I heard?”

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Movie Bistro Madness

Come!  Enjoy your movie in the luxury of a recliner!  No sticky floors!  $7 for a ticket!  Unless you order it online to make sure you HAVE a seat when you get there, then it’s $13.  Unless you have our rewards card so you can order on line and get it for $7.  And that’s not all!  In every theater before the previews start, you get an advertisement for the Bistro Theater…4 theaters in the complex where they bring the food TO you!  You want to see an early movie, but you hesitate because you either have to have dinner at 4:00, buy dinner on the way in at 5:00 and hope they’re not so busy that you’re late and cannot get a ticket (unless, of course you already have your ticket…see above) or you wait until 10:00 when the movie gets out and have Taco Bell right before you go to bed.  Taco Bell at 10 pm can have unfortunate consequences.  The Bistro solves all those problems!  TaDAAAA!

“Be sure to get here and order from our chef-inspired menu and have the wait staff bring the food to you in the theater!  You want more to drink or another dessert?  Push the call button and have your payment ready.”  The food on the screen looks like something out of the gourmet chef shows on the food network.  It’s beautifully plated on square plates and artfully drizzled with just the right amount of sauce.  That’s a lot of effort for a chicken sandwich.

When you go to the ticket counter and pick out your seat, the cashier says, “Hey! and you’re in the Bistro so you can skip the concession lines and just order from your seat!  Enjoy your movie!”  Woohoo!  So you go to the theater, find your seat, get comfy and wait for the server to get to you.  Theater is nearly empty because you did arrive 30 min before the show as they suggest when going to a bistro movie.

Dum de dum de dum…no wait staff IN the theater.  7 guys and 2 old ladies are sitting there playing the screen games and they already have their food.  Silly people.  They do not have chef-inspired cuisine to munch on before the movies starts.  Still no wait staff.  Hmmm.  Press the call button.  The theater darkens.  The two actions are not related, but seem ominous.  The server sure enough comes to your chair and pushes your call button so it goes off and asks for your order.  By this time, you’ve forgotten what you wanted to eat and it’s too dark to read the menu.  “I’ll have chef-inspired popcorn with buttery topping please…small, and a bottle of your Blue Mountain Dew.”  “What flavor is the blue mountain dew?”  “I don’t know, it’s blue.  I don’t buy it for the name.  Find the Mountain Dew in your cooler and if it’s blue, that’s it.”  “Do you have your rewards card?” “Yup and here’s my payment,” and I hand him my debit card.  Why debit card?  Because remember it’s dark and I cannot now see my money.  He processes my card, prints out the receipt for me to sign, hands me his pen and runs off, leaving me with the receipt and the pen.

He doesn’t come back.  “Yoo Hoo?”  I must be in an action/adventure movie because all the previews are super heroes and dystopian futures and incredible rescues from disasters.  Dum de dum de dum.  10 min into previews.  Still hasn’t picked up the receipt or his pen.  I hit the call button again.  2 servers walk by me and ignore me with food for other people.  Remember those 7 guys and the 2 little old ladies?  They are looking at me with pity and those eyes that say, “Silly person!  You could have had your chef-inspired popcorn and your drink when you came in and would have consumed most of the popcorn by now…and it would have been HOT popcorn…”  I’m so foolish.  I press the call button again.  He shows up and wants to know if I want to add to my order.  I say no but here’s your pen and the receipt…thought you might need it.

It occurs to me that maybe the servers are on some sort of reality show.  They have to get the orders from the patrons, go to the kitchen, prepare the chef-inspired delicious hamburgers, nachos, and fries to order (there are no substitutions) and get them out to the patrons Gordon Ramsey style.  “You ^(*&%*&( idiot!  You can’t plate that hamburger like that!  Redo that!” and then throws the food on the floor.  “But Gordon!  It’s dark!  They don’t even know if I got their orders right!”  “Oh right then.  Put the sloppy mess back on the plate and get it out of here…scrape off the dirt and such.”  Meanwhile, the previews are over, and it’s last call for orders.  One server in the whole theater, and call buttons lit up all over.  It gives an eerie blue glow about the room.  I have now been in the theater for 40 min.

Once again the screen lights up to tell us that next time we should arrive 30 min before the show so we can have our chef-inspired pizza and beer brought to us and I think, “It really doesn’t take that long to put popcorn in a bag and grab a bottle does it?”  The movie starts.  The ship is blown to smithereens, the bad guys are throwing debris about with a wave of their hands and monstrous mountains with vaguely human features are wielding building-sized weapons to threaten our heroes.  At least I think so.  In the first 15 min of the movie, there have been 8 servers walking between me and the screen delivering food to OTHER customers in the dark.  How can they see the seat numbers?  AHHHH!  Finally!  Here’s my chef-inspired popcorn and dew.  It’s the latest in movie cuisine–like iced coffee and cold soup (Vichyssoise).  Room temperature popcorn.

In a restaurant, 1 server can work with 12-16 customers.  Ideally then, this bistro should have about 5-7 servers.  They should stand near their sections and greet you when you find your seat.  All the orders should be taken while the lights are still on.  If you have a party of 4 with dinner-type orders and a person by himself with a small snack order, you put in the order to the kitchen for the dinners, and grab the snack and the drink on your way back to the theater and serve the single.  As your section fills up, you take orders from the newcomers.  Put in the dinner orders, check on previous orders and pick up the drinks and deliver those to the people who have ordered.  Return to kitchen and pick up any dinner orders that have been completed.  Take orders from recently seated people.  Put in new orders at kitchen, check to see if any orders are filled and ready to deliver.  If not, get the drinks out.  Go back to kitchen grab filled orders and deliver, repeat. And as always, if you have a drink/snack order, get it out immediately.  The only people you should be taking orders from after the lights go out are the latecomers.

If you are going to run 4 bistros in a theater, you’d DAM well better have a big kitchen and plenty of cooks.  You have to serve 240 customers in 30 min or less.

I’m going to order my chef-inspired popcorn and Blue Dew at the counter from now on.

Window stickers

What ever possessed people to put window stickers on their cars?  Why do they think I want to know how many kids and dogs and cats they have?  Why do they think I care that their t-rex ate someone’s stick family?  What is so interesting about their family full of zombies?  Why would anyone dedicate their cars to their dead relatives?  Pick-up truck with flowery window  In memoriam:  Bob 1985-2007.  What was special about Bob?  Was he hit by a truck?  Was this his truck?  How do you trade in a truck with your memorial on it?  It would be like selling the granite stone from the cemetery wouldn’t it?

It’s the same about bumper stickers.  Yes, some are funny to read…but if you’re reading the bumper sticker, you’re not watching the road are you.  The annoying thing about some of the bumper stickers is that they were never meant to be read going 60 mph on the interstate!  They’ve got cute logos and attractive colors and nice fonts, but you can’t read them because the writing is too small!  If you want to read bumper stickers, you have to go to the mall parking lot.  Sounds like too much trouble for me.  And just because you believe in a cause, putting that on your bumper will not convince me to change my stance.  It is nice that your child got honored as a student…do those come with dates?  What if he flunks out next semester; do you have to scrape the thing off?  Would it be false advertising if you left it on?  What if your honor roll Kindergartner graduated from High School last year?  That makes me think you have 2 choices:  Cover that one up with something inane like Obama/Biden for 2004, or good lord!  Get another car!  How many miles you have on that thing?!  The problem becomes how does the dealership scrape off your bumper sticker?  Do you get to keep the ones they can get off to transfer to your new car?

Sooooo, no.  I am not interested in intimate details of your family, your religion, your politics, your favorite music or your favorite pet.  If you’re a veteran, thank you, but unless you have PTSD and Road Rage and access to an AR15, I don’t need to know that.  I can understand the honor student bumper stickers because those are for your kid to read and believe that you might care.  I don’t.  Also knock off the snarky “My poodle is smarter than your honor student” bumper stickers unless of course your dog is driving…then I’d be impressed.   Do that on Facebook or put a bunch of signs in your yard.

I’m all in favor of USEFUL information on your car.  “DWI traffic stops 10, convictions 3” would be good to know.  “I never signal lane changes” might help me avoid running into you.  You know those signs on Krispy Kreme stores that light up when the donuts are hot?  There should be a yellow flashing light when you’re texting or on the phone.  Maybe some annoying habits I should be aware of would be good.  “I always take the exit 3 ramp at 9:02 by cutting over 4 lanes at 60 mph.”  “I cannot drive in snow.”  Good to know!  How about new drivers…”I didn’t know it had a clutch when I bought it.”  Reckless endangerment?  How about “Wreckless endangerment?”  “Mario Andretti pees himself when he rides with me to work.”  People with bad attitudes–“I only use 1 finger to wave with.”  “BEWARE!  BOSTON TRANSPLANT! Doesn’t drive like us.”  Very useful!  “This sticker is holding my bumper on.”  OK!

DON’T USE YOUR CAR AS A BILL BOARD.  Don’t use it as a message board.  Don’t use it as a moving Facebook page.  I support Privacy.  It’s none of my business.  It’s a car–a means of transportation between point A and point B.  It’s nothing more than that.

Bubble wrap vs Kylo Ren

Kylo Ren has a problem.

Kylo is a master of the force; he has a big light saber with nasty hand guards that don’t apparently have any function; he has an unnatural fanaticism for his grandfather–Darth Vader; and he has a temper.  Now you have to understand that in the end, Darth Vader killed the emperor/Sith Lord to save his son.  He also gave up the Dark Side of the force and repented his evil ways.  Kylo has murdered the Sith Lord, Snoke, because Snoke threatened the girl he had been having “force initiated” conversations.  Someone called them Forceskype.  He totally wrote off the fact that Darth Vader denounced the dark side, and Kylo prefers to be the all-powerful voice-enhanced, shirtless wonder of the dark side of the force.  He’s all messed up.  Leia and Luke, the people he knew had the force, did not exhibit temper tantrums, and cool Han, the force muggle, didn’t either.  Vader, on occasion, would threaten violence in the form of a force choke hold, but until the emperor, he didn’t destroy property or murder people in a fit of pique.  So how did he come upon this terrible behavior?

My theory is that when he was little, nobody gave him bubble wrap.

“No Kylo, you can’t have the candy, it will ruin your dinner!”

*Popping noises*

“OK Mom.”

“Congratulations Kylo!  You got an A- on the spelling test!” says the teacher

“An A MINUS?!”  

*Popping noises*

“Which word did I miss?  I’ll get it right in the spelling bee…”

“Kylo hurry up!  You’ll be late for your Jedi classes with Uncle Luke!”

I hate Jedi classes, and I don’t like Uncle Luke much either.”

“You want to have control over that force don’t you?”

*Popping noises*

“I guess.  I’ll just get my shoes on.  I’m coming.”

“Don’t forget to smile for your school picture!”

The thing is, there are so many times when if we had bubble wrap, the urge to kill, maim, fire bomb, or sing opera would simply fade away.

“Let’s create a planet killing Death Star!”  *pop pop pop*  “Or not…”

“Let’s destroy this whole village of Resistance supporters!”  *pop pop pop* “or just take all their bubble wrap.”

“Luke, I am your…” *pop pop pop* “What on earth are you playing with boy?  Pay attention to me when I reveal earth shattering news!”  *pop pop pop*  Darth cuts of Luke’s hand anyway.

What if Hitler had had bubble wrap?  “Let’s invade Poland!”  *pop pop pop* “Why am I hungry for loud breakfast cereal?”

Attila the Hun?  “Ok, let’s just take these elephants over the Alps.  They won’t be expecting us from…??  What’s that stuff?  It looks like fun! *pop pop pop*

Demon to Devil, “Oh look!  God has made humanity!”

“Well let’s see how we can mess this up.  Hey Eve!  You want this nice shiny delicious fruit?”

*pop pop pop*

“Eve?”

*pop pop pop*

“Adam?  Aren’t you just a smidge hungry?”

“Yo Eve baby!  You got some more of that divine bubble wrap?”

“Ya hon.  It’s over there by the monkeys.”  *pop pop pop*

Every serial killer ever–

“I feel the urge… the urge to purge!  There’s a like likely victim!  Come here little girl…What do you have there?”  *pop pop pop*  “?  Give me that.”  *pop pop pop*  Little girl skips down the street.

There’s something addictive about popping those little bubbles.  It soothes the soul.  It distracts the mind.  It is destruction that doesn’t leave a mess.  It is noise without pain.  It’s just so darned fun!  Think of the fun they could have at estate dinners!  Think of the summit meetings!  Think of the State of the Union Addresses!  If the democrats had had any imagination, they would have put whoopee cushions in the seats so every time the president got the republicans to stand up, when they sat down…  And the democrats would not have had to applaud, they’d just *pop pop pop* and the president would mistake it for applause.  And if anyone didn’t like a particular part of the speech, they’d just start popping and drown it out.  Think of the UN Security Council meetings.  The Chair recognizes the esteemed representative from the Iranian Empire. *pop pop pop*

“Deputy Director of Operations, CIA, sir…  we have found the terrorists!”

“What have you done?”

“We dropped 300 pounds of the small gauge bubble wrap on them.”

“Do the liberals know?”

“Doesn’t matter.  We dropped 350 pounds of the bubble wrap on them about the same time.”

In conclusion, we can only speculate, but even our worst case scenario would suggest that the final tally would read:  bubble wrap 1, Kylo Ren 0.  Case closed.

 

International Speech! Trial Run

  1.  Open with a bang… or silence… or a combination.  Ah…

*Walks on stage with purse.  Quietly pulls a package of black cats out of the purse and places it  on the floor in the front, and lights the lighter.*  “There’s gotta be a better way to time these things!”  *Looks up.*  “Oh, hello!  Ya know?  I don’t think I’ll light this just yet.  It’s just a trial run.  Mr. Contest master, Fellow Toastmasters, esteemed judges and the judges I paid off earlier, and guests.  This is my international speech.  Now I realize it’s a very very prestigious thing to win, so I worked hard on this speech and did my due diligence.  I watched EVERY SINGLE winning and losing speech that has been recorded since the beginning of time.  I took notes.  I watched winners on YouTube telling me how they won.  I watched experts who have coached contestants who won.  And I have watched, well, listened to, these people purporting to be judges with their voices altered and in the dark on how to win.  I even joined a group that was going to coach me through the process!  I NOW have a SYSTEM!  I HAVE THE FORMULA!”

2.  Refer to your mother and relive your childhood.  Check!

“I remember my childhood.  I was shorter.  I remember my Mama’s ankles, and her feet on the pedals of the piano in our living room.  I remember my Mama’s sweet voice saying, ‘Didn’t you practice at all this week?  You sound like someone sat on a piano!  Play it again from the beginning and use your fingers and not your butt!’  She must have been kidding because the students never got off the bench when they were playing.  She used to say to me, ‘Don’t ever grab my feet when I’m playing Chopin! It’s a crime against humanity!'”

3.  Make sure you use emotion.  Check!

“I had a funny childhood.”  *Laughs uncontrollably.  Then just as suddenly breaks into sobs.*  “Not everyone agreed with me about what was funny.  Sometimes they violently disagreed.  I still have that effect when it comes to humor, but now people just shake their heads and groan instead of throwing heavy objects.”

4.  Have a point.  Check!

*Pulls out a knitting needle.  Looks at it, then puts it back into bag.*

5.  Have a tag line.  Check!

“Dry Clean ONLY!  I will now translate this statement into 160 Earth languages, Klingon and Wookie.”  *Checks watch.  Looks above stage for translations.*  “OK, never mind.”

6. Tell another story.  Check!

“Wait, original story?  OK, original it is.  Once upon a time in a Galaxy Far Far Away…  Uh Oh!  That guy in the third row is looking that one up.  Eek!  It was the best of times, it was the…  I hate GOOGLE!  Hold on a second.  Here’s one:  In college, I had a professor that liked to intimidate people, especially me.  He used to make fun of me mercilessly.  He was in the midst of another diatribe and I said, ‘If you say one more word about me, I’ll come down and bite you in the leg!’ and he did.  And I did.  We became fast friends, until he started foaming at the mouth.  I heard he spent a week in the hospital.”

7.  Have a point.  Huh?  a different size or color or the same point?

*Gets a larger knitting needle out of bag.  Looks at it.  Points to it.  Puts it back into bag*

8.  Tell sad story with a moral.  Try to use short sentences and make the ending uplifting.  Got it!

“I got hit by a revolving door and when I fell down, I heard my hip break.  It hurt terribly.  I almost cried. The moral of the story is: Don’t walk into glass walls when in a revolving door! The door doesn’t stop.  When the EMT’s came they lifted me into the Ambulance.”

9.  Use the tag line and tell another story.  You betcha!

*Sings “You’re the flower of my heart Sweet Adeline!” * I was a baritone. I will now regale you with a favorite story of mine from Rome.  It was the second story of a hotel there.  It was just beautiful with red carpet and fancy door handles and room numbers.”

10.  Make sure you use a lot of the stage.  It is also recommended that you lie down on the floor for maximum impact.  ??

“Nah, Not going to happen.  I can’t run like I used to and if I impact the stage, I may re-break my hip.  Even if I don’t break it, it would take a pulley system to get me off the floor.  I don’t see a set up like that here, so I think I’ll just skip this step.”

11.  Have a great conclusion.  Yup!

“Ladies and Gentlemen!  This concludes my International Speech!  Thank you!  Drive home safely.  Don’t forget to tip your waiter.  Where do I get my prize money?”  *Starts to walk off stage.  Changes directions to walk the other way.  Remembers black cats and grabs them gets out lighter.*  “Wait!  I know where my biggest competitor’s room is…”  *Laughs evilly and walks off stage.*

 

 

We?

I was listening to the radio “For Your Health” program this morning, and came to an interesting conclusion.  Here’s the set up:

The hostess states some statistic about how many people lie to their doctor when they go in.  She then goes on to say the obvious–that you could leave out pertinent information regarding your condition that would significantly alter your diagnosis.  That you must be up front when discussing your habits such as drinking, drugs and activities.

My conclusion was not that people are trying to save face in front of the doctor so they don’t appear weak and vulnerable, when, in fact, they are AT the doctor’s clinic BECAUSE they are feeling weak and vulnerable.

What is the 1st thing the doctor says when he or she comes into the room.  They look at the chart and then they look at you and say, “How are WE feeling today?”  Now if the mechanic came into the waiting room at the dealership and looked at the computer read-out of your car and said, “How are OUR cars doing today?” you’d look at him funny.  I dunno!  I don’t have the chart with all the information about YOUR car.  I assume since you drove it here, and I towed mine, your car is in pretty good shape and mine doesn’t work.  Let’s just concentrate on MY car.  If the waitress came to your table and asked, “What are WE having for breakfast today?” (and we’ve all had this happen), most would respond, “Wait–you came to work in a restaurant before you ate?  Can’t you sneak something in the kitchen?  Did you want to join me for breakfast?  It’s ok with me, but we’d have to split the check.”

So when the doctor asks the patient that stupid question, the patient is not wanting to appear stupid in front of the doctor.  He looks him up and down and makes his best guess that the doctor is probably fine and not hurting anywhere.  Then he self-assesses and then using a math that is as incomprehensible as quantum mechanics and averages it out.  The patient then replies, “pretty good for the most part.”

Don’t be fooled.  The doctors know exactly how you feel.  They have your chart!  They can tell what you’ve been doing.  If your eyes are bloodshot and you say, “Will this take long Doc?  I’m really hungry!  Oh and did you know all your pens talk?  Dude!” he will know you’re on some kind of drug.  He just wants to know one of two things: 1. Is it prescription? and 2. Can I sell it on the side to pay for my liability insurance premiums?  Hmmm probably not that 2nd question.  If you smell of alcohol and tobacco, and you giggle at the questions, he’s going to know you might have a drinking problem.  If he tells you what he suspects and you exchange money with your spouse, he’ll know you might have a gambling problem and that your kneecap injury is probably an indication that you’re not very good at it.  He will know when he listens to your digestive system and gets his stethoscope kicked that you might be pregnant.  He will understand when he comes into the exam room and you ask him where the tomatoes are that you might be suffering the first stages of dementia.

The point of the program was to encourage people to be straight-forward with their doctors.  My point is that doctors should ask, “WTH is wrong with you?” instead of using the royal “we” and then they’d get a straight answer.

Humor

I was watching Stand Up on Nitwit Flex the other day.  I have seen 4 comedians.  The 1st one told long stories, one of which involved him performing at a prison, and another about his relationship with his wife.  It was amusing but not funny.  The funny one was the black guy who said he was taking notes for future material, and would whip out a notebook sized piece of paper when they laughed big or when they didn’t.  He had some great Carlinesque and some Richard Pryor moments where he just made observations on life.  His language was foul.  The remaining 2 comedians were talking about bodily functions the whole time.  That might be funny to 5th graders or high school sophomores, but none of the material these 4 were using corresponded to the laughter they were getting.  In fact, it didn’t seem to me that the audience reaction was in line with the stimulus.  It’s like when you tell a joke that is not funny and the crowd goes crazy–like the venue sprays silly gas on them before you get on stage.

Are they laughing because they feel intellectually inadequate in that they don’t understand the humor and don’t want the people around them to know they didn’t get it?  Are they laughing to prove to themselves and the people around them that they are worldly wise and sophisticated enough to get the f@rt jokes?  Are they laughing because they’re embarrassed by the material?  (I had a kid that would smile when he was embarrassed.)  Do they have plants in the audience?  I would be a Robin Williams in that venue!  I would have people rolling in the aisles under those circumstances.

I could talk about weight lifting at the gym after a yogurt breakfast.  “Now for squats…I hope I don’t f@rt!” *acts out lifting and f@rting.  Crowd goes wild.*  I could do potty training grand children.  “Welcome to Trouserless Tuesday!  Drop your pants, and if you need to pee…go to the bathroom or clean it up yourself.”  *crowd is in tears.*  I could tell a story about hiking the trail after burritos for lunch.  1/2 way around the lake, I REALLY have to go, and there’s no toilet paper in the out house.  It’s too late.  People across the lake can hear the expulsion and look up to see where the jet is.  The methane released peels all the paint off the interior.  Other hikers walking by pass out.  I use the toilet paper roll to scrape off as much as I can, and have to walk funny for another mile and 1/2 to get back to my car…where I am recoiling at the idea of sitting down and driving home.  *crowd is rolling on the floor and some are having accidents themselves.*  But I don’t think that material is funny.

What I think is funny are those little blue pill advertisements.  How can it be considered erotic for 2 old people to be in separate bathtubs, outside, holding hands and looking at the sunset?  1st of all, it’s 2 older people.  2nd, why 2 tubs?  (Wouldn’t a nice big Jacuzzi be more erotic?)  3rd, is the water heated or does it get colder?  (I’d think that cold water might be a detriment to later performance…)  4th, in order to get started, one or both have to get out of the tubs.  So if they’ve been sitting in cooling water, staring out at the sunset for any length of time, they’ll be pruny, and goose-bumpy, and, well, shriveled.  I would think that my first reaction to such a scene would be laughter (and shivering).

My audience is different though.  They’re not the millenials and new parents and those of mid-life crises.  They’re the grandparents, the mean old nasty ladies with the canes, the old guys with the Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and silly hats that constantly yell, “Git off my lawn ya little buggers!!!”  They’re the ones with life experience.  They’re the ones that read bill boards and laugh at the implications.  (Picture of Lincoln–failed, failed, failed, failed, President–Persistence!  And we’re thinking failed, failed, failed, failed, shot.)  Or look at those inspirational bill boards put up by the churches.  Think how much easier it would have been if there had been bill boards in Moses’ day.  “Yo!  MOSES!  The sign said next exit!”  Could have cut some of the traveling time.  Or post one up with Jesus’ picture on it saying, “THIS IS THE GUY!~God”  Would have saved a lot of people from 2nd thoughts.  I always get confused about the connection of nearly naked ladies and cars.  Which are they selling?

I think that the lengths some of these people go to have the perfect ANYTHING are ludicrous!  The more moving parts, the less likely things are to be perfect.  So if you’re spending $30k on a wedding dress, and the perfect destination wedding, with the perfect band or dj, and the perfect vows, and the pre-nuptial agreements, and the right people at your wedding (the ones that have enough money to GET to the destination) it will be a perfect occasion.  It’s just ONE DAY in your married life and the next 12 years you will be arguing about money because you’ll still be paying for it.  It is the same with the perfect birth for your baby.  I confess I heard this last discussion on the radio.  It was HILARIOUS what women do.  “Oh, no we’ll be having a completely natural childbirth in the completely natural childbirth facility with 15 people on hand to do the child’s first spinal adjustment as he’s born, the string quartet playing Mozart, the midwife, husband, obstetrician and 3 nurses on hand, the priest, the gospel choir and the most sanitary of rooms. Whatever is best for the baby.”  Oh, really?  Well, we’ll be having a completely natural childbirth on the beach in the ocean.  The salt water keeps the child floating on the sea and completely relaxed.  Whatever is best for the baby.”  Oh yeah?  I was part of the Lamaze group when that went through.  That was rather enjoyable.  Now that isn’t enough.  Speaking with the nurses and staff, I discovered that 80% of the Lamaze patients were screaming for drugs before they got through the 1st couple of hours of labor.  It seems to me that everything in life needs to be a production put on by the most prestigious directors in which we (the untrained!) play the leading roles.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  It cracks me up!

Strangely enough, not many of the things I find funny ever end up on the “Stand-Up” stage.  You know that a regular target for archery is the big circle with little circles inside?  If Donald Trump was a target, he’d be just a big red circle.  So no, he’s not on my list of funny things…too easy.  Bodily functions have ceased being funny since gradually, in my advanced age, I am losing control of all of them.  Complaining about aging is off the table because the youngsters don’t think it’s funny or they don’t get it, and the “more mature” members of the audience often have funnier stories about the same subjects.  That leaves me with observational humor.  Carlin was the master of that as was Robin Williams.

What do I observe?  9 times out of 10, the guys from CSI (and Miami CSI and NY CSI) don’t apparently work for any of the other police on TV.  There is a reason for this!  When the investigations are run by CSI, they have the LAB GEEKS GO INTO THE FIELD WITH THE FIELD AGENTS AND THEY TAKE THE LEAD IN THE ARRESTS!  So if you want credit for a collar, you don’t let the CSI people anywhere near your crime scene.  They will steal it from you!

I also notice that if you put a mask on a famous person, they become unrecognizable.  I can see how that would work with Dare Devil, Spider Man and the Flash, but the Green Arrow?  Supergirl?  Superman? Com’on!  Facial recognition would nail them the 1st time they showed up in a news story!

I also notice that Gibbs never gets called on a harassment charge for his head slaps.

Unfortunately, another noticeable thing is that during sweeps week, everyone goes into the bedroom.  I don’t want to KNOW what they’re doing on their own time in the privacy of their own homes.  These are mythical creatures, these TV personalities.  They NEVER go to the bathroom.  The women are never experiencing PMS.  All the guys are experts at the salmon ladder,  and none of them has hair on their chest.  Even Hercules (Kevin Sorbo) had hair on his chest.  I cannot imagine having to grow chest hair back!  What an itchy situation!!!

What is the likelihood that I would get a call from “Stand up” to do a session?  Somewhere south of .005%.  *Sigh*

An Evil sense of humor

I just watched a pitch for a “Smart House.”  It’s run by a Smart Phone ap.  Oooooooh the possibilities! Let me tell you about the features of this marvelous product.  It has camera access to every room in your house.  Oh really?  The bathroom?  It has 2 way communication so even kids without phones can contact you by ringing the door bell.  Oh, yes, there’s a camera in the door bell.  It keeps a log of everyone that has been to your porch!  With this ap, you can open and close your garage door, turn up or down the thermostat, turn your lights on and off, turn off your appliances (like irons and washing machines) and lock and unlock your doors.  I’m like a kid in a candy store!

“Hey house!  Turn on the lights, open the garage door and unlock the front and side doors.”  *Waits patiently for enterprising thieves to notice.*  There’s a likely participant.  He wanders into the garage, and checks the door.  In he comes.  “Hey house!  Turn out the lights.”  Thief walks into chair.  Disembodied voice (you) says, “You forgot to clap twice to turn on the lights.”  Thief is startled, but claps twice.  Nothing happens.  Disembodied voice says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, slowly.”  Thief claps slowly.  Nothing happens.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, faster than last time but not too fast.”  Thief claps twice.  Nothing happens.  He claps again faster, then again slower.  Disembodied voice says, “Thank you!   Thank you!  I love the applause!  You like me you really like me.”  Lights remain off.  Thief runs into another chair.  Lights come on.  Siren comes on.  Disembodied voice yells, “Clap twice to turn off alarms and alert police that you are a friendly neighbor just feeding the fish.”

You sit in your cozy motel monitoring the poor thief and are stifling uproarious laughter.  Thief is clapping like crazy to turn off alarms.  Disembodied voice yells, “I’m sorry, did you clap?  I can’t hear it over the cacophony.  Please clap louder.”  Thief runs into laundry room and closes the door.  Washer starts up.  Disembodied voice says, “Maria, you’re early.  You don’t usually start the washer at this time.  Are you under duress?  Maria?  Maria?  If this is not Maria, invisible poison gas will shortly permeate the room and you’ll be dead in 30 seconds.”  Thief runs out the door.  Siren turns off, lights go out, and thief falls over ottoman.  Lights flash on and off. TV turns on and off.  Prerecorded horror movie starts to play.  Washer turns off, radio turns on.  Temperature is slowly climbing to 90 degrees.  Thief is in full blown panic.  He runs for the door.  “House?  Lock all the doors and turn off all lights, close and lock garage door.  Alert police.”  He tries to break the bullet proof windows.  No luck.  He tries to unlock the door, but you are much faster relocking it than he is opening it.  Police will be there in 1 min, turn on siren, turn off lights, turn off appliances.

Police arrive to hear panicked thief begging to be taken out to nice quiet jail cell with 15 crack heads and a biker gang rather than stay in this apparently unassuming, empty house.  Officer 1 turns to Officer 2 and says, “You know, that’s the 5th time this month we’ve had an attempted robbery at this place.”  Officer 2 replies, “and it’s also the 5th time we’ve had the thieves begging to be taken to jail.  Weird huh?”  “Nahhhhhh….”

Don’t let me get a hold of this Smart House ap.  It isn’t safe.

 

New “Just”

Over the weekend, I did a lot of activities that don’t get measured by my little programs and aps.  I did go to the gym Saturday morning for about 20 min of walking, then hubby and I went to our club meeting.  I had a sensible breakfast, a not so sensible lunch.  Oops.  Then the granddaughter came over.  We hacked at the grass (looks up grass hacking… nope not in my ap)  Then we went to the nursery to order dirt.  Then we jumped in the car and headed to the box store to get the lovely herbs I saw there earlier.  Oops.  Just because the west store has them doesn’t mean the east store does.  We walked allllllll over looking for these herbs (looks up plant pacing…nope, not in my ap)  Hubby found some nice patio chairs, and we got some onions, tomatoes and peppers.  We found a couple of the herbs, but not all of them.  Also found some nice planters.  Then we went to the car to load them up.  hmmm.  Chairs do not fit in trunk.  Hubby says, “I’ll JUST go in and get a bungee cord.  As a proud member of the BOA (Buick Owners Association) I know that in section 3a sub paragraph 2 of the BOA handbook, it says, “a Buick owner NEVER uses a bungee cord on the vehicle.  Anything that big should be carried by a more plebian mode of transportation… horse and cart, flatbed truck, minivan with tarp, 1982 Ford pickup…”  So my granddaughter and I wrestled the chairs into the back seat of the car, and the plants and planters into the trunk. (looks up planter packing… nope, not in my ap)  We then went out for dinner and I had a very sensible dinner.  On our way home, we went back to the nursery to get the rest of the herbs and pick up some gravel for the bottom of the planters.  We got the herbs, but then the store closed.  Went to WalMart for the gravel.  Got home and carried the rocks and dirt to the back (hubby did, so I didn’t get to count that) and then filled the planters with gravel and dirt and got the little planties planted.  (looks up gravel groveling, dirt dumping, plant positioning… nope, not in my ap)  Give the granddaughter a bath… I don’t bother looking up granddaughter dunking.  So how do I enter all this activity into my dailies?  My hubby says, “JUST walking 2.5mph –leisurely pace– for about 22 hours.”  Well that isn’t going to add up!