Tag Archives: sense of humor

How not to watch Netflix

Never EVER watch Supernatural or Flash/Arrow/Super Girl at the same time as Criminal Minds or any other police procedural.

Something weird happens and someone dies the 1st 20 seconds of Supernatural and Criminal Minds. Bam! Both Sam and Dean show up pretending to be FBI, and the BAU who are actually FBI show up to the scene.

S & D: Did you smell sulfur? Cold spots? Black eyes? Did the victim have any enemies?

BAU: Were there any witnesses? Fingerprints? Foot prints? Did the victim have any enemies?

Witness…the SO of the victim. I heard her in the bathroom screaming! *sobs* The door wouldn’t open as hard as I tried.

S & D: Note the rosary she always carried is missing. Note there are no locks on the doors.

BAU: Note that the victim suffocated in the tub, but was not drowned. Note there are no locks on the doors.

S & D: Get EMF readings from the room. Vengeful spirit. Begin to take EMF readings from other parts of the farm where the murders occurred. Know the owner personally and eliminate him as a suspect.

BAU: Suspect owner immediately and arrest him and question him thoroughly. (BTW, they don’t torture the suspect or throw holy water on him.)

S & D: Find drawings on the wall indicating one of the children in the home was involved in a terrible accident and the mother died in the burning car. They cannot burn and salt the bones. They burn the child’s toy. Bullies get injured in lawn mower incident.

BAU: Notes accidents continue to happen on the farm even though owner is in custody. They inspect the new incidents and do not discover any causal relationship to the other murders. Dismiss new incidents as unrelated.

S & D: Vengeful spirit believes S & D are threatening the child and attacks the child’s guitar teacher and S & D. Dean tells child to demand Ghost Mom to leave and that he will be ok. Spirit returns to pre-dead self and smiles and then flitters off into the after life. (Question: Does the good mom’s evil spirit that committed 2 murders and an attempted murder without remorse or repentance go to heaven?) Crime Solved.

BAU: Finds no foreign matter or evidence in either of the murder scenes, and since the only fingerprints and physical evidence belong to the owner, the owner goes to trial for double homicide. As an ex-convict he never gets out of prison and his creepy home for boys is sold at auction and bulldozed to make a discount mall. Crime Solved.

Spring in Nebraska

Spring in Nebraska

How do I know?

I just found a Robin…

Dead in the snow

Spring in Nebraska

How would you know?

Tomorrow’ll be 90 or

40 below.

Spring in Nebraska

How does it go?

Parka above

Flip Flops below!

Spring in Nebraska?

It isn’t slow

2 minutes in and

1 minute to go!

And…

SUMMER!

Beastmaster 65

“Welcome to the Ultimate Skills competition!”
“Thanks, Keith! We’re here with the finest old fat people with skills to maneuver this bone-cracking, back-pulling, mind-blowing course that sooner or later everyone is going to have to master!”
“Just like regular Beastmaster, there are 3 courses. Christine? I bet you want to know what they are!”
“Of course, Keith! And we have 8 competitors ready for the 1st elimination. Only 6 of those 8 get to the next level.”
“The first course is going to focus on maneuverability. To get to the Mouth of the Beast, the competitor has to walk up a 100-foot ramp. It’s at a 6% grade and only 3 feet wide. But to complicate this, there are knee-knockers placed every 20-25 feet. These 12-inch barriers are the bane of anyone who’s had to walk around a house that has pets or grandchildren.”
“That’s right! My shins hurt already!”
“But when you get to the top of the ramp, you have to come down 50 stairs without a hand railing!”
“What makes this so hard?”
“The stairs are not the standard 10-12 inch tread, these stairs are only 6 inches wide.”
“We may see some spills there!”
“After they descend the stairs, they go into the belly of the beast. The room is completely black and has obstacles throughout. We’re talking head-bangers, shin-scrapers, random poles, squishy toys, and a false door!”
“How could anyone get across that?”
“They have a standard flashlight.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, it blinks on and off at inconvenient times and the beam will only faintly show 2 feet ahead of the contestant.”
“How will we see the action?”
“Infrared cameras.”
“If they’re not suicidal when they come out of this challenge, they go to the fork pick-up.”
“What’s that, Keith?”
“The Infamous Fork Pick Up! 9 forks are placed in and under and behind various objects in the room. The contestants are being told there are 10, but they get 2 points per fork, and it’s a timed exercise. If you stay in the room for too long, you get 0 points. The person with the most points wins.”
“So, OCD people looking for the non-existent 10th fork might time-out and lose all their points?!
“Yes! But that’s not all! Now they enter the colon of death!”
“It sounds awful!”
“The contestants have to sit in a wheelchair and wheel it up a snakeline 200 feet with a 10% rise and 15 turns.”

“Breaking news, Keith. One of the contestants took a look at the first obstacle, complained of pain in his arm and then grabbed his chest. 2 feet out of camera range, he ran to his van and took off. 2 more of the candidates took their canes to the set designer. George will be in the hospital for another 2-3 days. 2 more of them just wandered off the set. The last 3 were mumbling something about their prostates and have been in the bathroom for the past 26 minutes. There’s been no word if they’re coming out.”

“Well, Christine…Age and treachery…”

 

 

There’s always a Bloody Ghost

The new Christopher Moore book came out…Shakespeare for Squirrels. There is a character, Fool, that he uses in the Shakespearian stories he writes and the plots are basically perversions of the plays. One was King Lear, and the other was Merchant of Venice although he incorporated some of the other plays and characters. When you’re doing a play, especially without a public address system, you can’t really do voice-overs to tell the audience what the character is thinking or feeling. In that case, Shakespeare employed a ghost to express the thought process, to further the plot, to show the emotional and mental state of the character. In Moore’s books, the protagonist often has arguments with the ghost, and the ghost has an agenda as well. It leads to some very silly dialog.

So Shakespeare would write–

Ghost: Murder most foul, as in the best it is. But this most foul, strange and unnatural.

You could expect this from Moore:

Ghost: Murder most fowl, as in the best it is, especially on Sundays when the cook visits the hen house. But this most fowl, strange and unnatural that the victim’s neck was throttled and all his clothes ripped off and the victim deep-fried past crispiness.

It got me thinking. What if the ghosts were just consciences personified? And random?

Scrooge:  Are you the ghost of Christmas Future?

GoCF: … ( he never talks in the play, he just points)

Scrooge: I fear thee most…

Ghost of DeNiro Future: You talkin’ to ME? I don’t see anybody…oh Sorry George, I’ll just wait for you to say your lines.

GoCF: …Looks menacingly at Ghost of DeNiro…though it’s difficult to tell since you can’t see under the hood.

Scrooge: His name’s George?

GoCF: …Returns his gaze to Scrooge

Ghost of DeNiro Future: *whispers off stage, “lines?”* Loud whisper from stage Left, “He doesn’t have lines, he just points.”

GoCF: *Smacks forehead. Forgets he’s carrying a scythe.* Ow!

Scrooge: He speaks!

Both Ghosts: Shut up!

What if random ghosts just showed up during the performances? 

Hamlet: Alas, poor Yoric.

Yorik’s ghost: WHAT!  I was just getting to sleep

George’s ghost: Wait until you see Dicken’s ghosts!

Hamlet: I knew him!

Yorik’s ghost: *Trying to scowl without his head*…You knew me?! Where were you when they yelled duck?

George’s ghost: Didn’t you duck?

Yorik’s ghost: I thought they were asking me to do an impression, so I quacked

Hamlet: I wasn’t there when he died. But here’s his head. Where’s the rest of him?

Gravedigger: He couldn’t afford a casket…

George’s ghost: Cheap bugger.

Yorik’s Ghost: Is that Dickens guy the one that’s looking for a fool? Auditions maybe?

George’s ghost: A Fool’s Ghost, or a Ghost for a Fool?

Hamlet: Dickens for the first and Christopher Moore for the second?

Horatio: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING TO?!

Though it would be cool to have the ghosts in the courtroom telling everyone what the witnesses are thinking during their testimony.

Perry Mason: Isn’t it true that you went to the house with the intention of confronting your ex-wife?

Mr. Hughes: I knew for a fact that her Tai Chi group met from 2:00-3:00 on Thursdays and I just needed some stuff from my home office.

Mrs. Hughes’ ghost: Yes, truly he speaks because every time I went for Tai Chi, he would ask me where I was going. Every. single. time. And every time He said, “How long have you been going at 2:00?” And I would say, “You forgot to change the clocks from daylight savings time, it’s 3:00!”

Perry Mason: Let the records show Mr. Hughes arrived at his house at precisely 2:47 PM.

MHG: He never does anything precisely…

Perry Mason: Mr. Hughes, how did you get into the house?

Mr. Hughes: I walked in.

Perry Mason: There were no impediments to your entry?

Mr. Hughes: There was a mop near the stairs.

MHG: “See? I was paying attention! I’m not the jerk you make me out to be to your girlfriends!” Did you have to walk around the bucket?

Perry Mason: Did you have to walk around the bucket?

Jury: Is the ghost feeding Perry his lines?

Mr. Hughes: I didn’t notice

MHG: Why didn’t you fall on your ass on the slick floor?

Perry Mason: Did the floor look freshly cleaned?

Mr. Hughes: Um

MHG: That was a witty answer… Now he’s thinking, “I could say I went to the kitchen and checked the water temp and it was cold so it had been sitting there for a while.” Wait for it. Mason’s not going to give him the chance…

Perry Mason: Mr. Hughes, isn’t it true that you tracked in dirt on the freshly cleaned floor and went directly up the stairs to your wife’s room where you saw her changing into her Tai Chi clothes?

Mr. Hughes: Um

MHG: Ya, couldn’t be bothered to mop up the footprints on the Clean Floor!

Perry Mason: And when she saw you and she screamed, isn’t it true that you rushed to her and threw her through the window and into the garden on the tomato towers?

MHG: and thinking to yourself, “Ooo! fertilizer! AND mulch!”

Mr. Hughes: Shut up!

Perry Mason: I beg your pardon!

Mr. Hughes: Not you, you blowhard, the fricken Ghost!

MHG: You said that out loud, didn’t you!

Jury: Yup he did.

Mr. Hughes: Wait…you mean you guys are hearing the ghost too?

Everyone in the courtroom: Yes.

Mr. Hughes: oh…shit.

Yes, ghosts would make an interesting addition to our world.

 

 

 

Like

Like a dog door without the flap

Like a mall without a Gap

Like a hunter without his trap

I miss you

Like Astaire without his tap

Like P. Diddy without his rap

Like a quilter without a scrap

I miss you!

Like a Toddler without a nap

Like a Granny without a lap

Like a tourist without his map

I miss you!

Like a Sapsucker without sap

Like Dapper without his dap

Like Babe Ruth without his cap

I miss you!

Like the Feds with no wiretap

Like a taser without its zap

Like a present without its wrap

I miss you!

 

Well that didn’t go as planned

You wake up and think, I haven’t worn that green outfit for a while. I have just the necklace and rings for it. Oh and these shoes! Yup. That’s what I’ll wear to work today.

You get to work and do your on-air make-up and the cameraman says, “Well this ought to be interesting…” The director says nothing. You review the latest data and check the monitors. You run a cursory practice on the motions for your part. The music starts. Camera 1 is showing anchor 1, Camera 2 is on anchor 2, Camera 1 picks up the Sports reporter. Camera 2 shifts to you, and you hear an involuntary snicker from the camera crew.

“It’s five minutes after the hour. In today’s weather, we can expect sunny skies and temperatures hovering around the 70-degree mark. More in our forecast later.”

“In the top of the news…” Anchor 1 describes the horror and the violence on the screen and you un-mike and go to your chair. The director motions you over.

“Ahem, you’re wearing a green dress.”

“? Nice of you to notice.”

“You’re wearing a GREEN dress…”

“? And? *beat, beat* Oh crap!”

“You have anything else?”

“Nope.”

“No scarf? a table cloth toga perhaps?”

“Let me check my purse…Nope”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“I’m the weather girl, isn’t that impossible?”

“We will be the laughing stock because of this. What are you going to do about this?”

Improvise…

Anchor 2 is talking about cute puppies and school science fairs. She hates her stories. She wants to be Anchor 1. She has a journalism degree, but she’s not pretty enough to sit in the Anchor 1 chair. She hates that Anchor 1 has more hairspray in his hair than she does. She despises him because he can’t pronounce the names of the countries or their leaders without help. She shudders at his condescending smile when he finishes the hard news and passes the baton to her. She finishes her stories and Anchor 1 lets everyone know what’s coming up after the break. She looks at you and she sees what’s going to happen, and starts grinning. Anchor 1 hasn’t picked up on it yet. She motions you to come over and you do.

“You could go viral with this. You could tell the dirtiest jokes you could think of and now they’d be hilarious because you’d be invisible!”

You start to smile. You know exactly what to do.

You go to the snack table and take the fruit tray. You empty the fruit onto plates and carry it surreptitiously to your station. Anchor 2 is trying not to laugh.

“Welcome back,” says Anchor 1 showing his best side and gleaming teeth. “What do we have in store for us over the weekend, Brandy?”

You hold the tray up just under your chin. It looks like you’re a talking head on a platter. “It’s Mandy…and I thought I would give you a heads up about the storm coming in.”

Anchor 2 giggles.

Anchor 1 is confused. He’s not looking at the monitor. The sound man mutes the mikes. “What’s going on?” he says under his breath. Anchor 2 giggles again.

You float your head over to the national map. But you stoop so you seem lower. Leaving the tray in the same place, you stand up so it looks like your head is flying up into the air. “The temperatures here in the Florida region are going to soar when that low front comes in.” Your hand magically appears in the middle of the country. “But this high front will be coming in soon indicating storms and possibly some twisters.” You do a pirouette that makes your head look like it’s spinning. You move to the middle of the map facing the Pacific. “We have a big storm building up behind the Rockies” (coinciding where your boobs would be if anyone could see them) “and that could impact the Appalachian area in 3-4 days,” you say facing the Atlantic and the corresponding mountains strategically placed. The cameramen are almost crying. Anchor 1 is now staring in disbelief at the monitor. Camera 1 briefly cuts to Anchor 1 for his reaction and catches him with the dumbest look on his face. Back to Camera 2.

Your head looks down. “Meanwhile, down in the gulf…” Howls of laughter from the camera crew. The director has tears in his eyes and though he’s motioning wildly to go to commercial, no one is paying attention. “Warm, moist air is coming into the lower regions of the country bringing some possibilities of earth-shaking activity.” You close your eyes and bounce on your toes. You clear your throat and continue. “So if you hear lots of noise to your south, don’t lose your heads. Back to you!”

Camera 1 on Anchor 1:  Stunned silence

Camera 1 switches to Anchor 2: Her head is buried in her hands as she laughs uncontrollably.

Camera 1 switches to Anchor 1: Still stunned silence

Cut to commercial.

 

 

 

Discovery…well get on with it!

I adore Star Trek. I love the fact that all the aliens have forward-facing eyes, a nose, and a mouth where you’d expect, and 2 ears on the sides of their heads. They walk upright, have 2 arms and legs and have 5 fingers on each hand. The difference is the weird goop they have on their faces. I’m currently watching Discovery, and I do like Saru. And the Klingons have decided to grow hair again after the war is over. In a few months, L’Rell goes from bald to shoulder length hair? Sure… and the older male Klingons suddenly have 3 years beard growth. Oh, and Spock with a beard. But it’s ok, it’s not a goatee, so he’s not evil.

I love the technology. It’s so cool that you can go faster than light and stop on a dime and even though NOBODY wears a seat belt, they don’t fly through the windshields at the front of the ship. I find it amusing that they have the map on the flat screen and there are the two federation ships and the 30 bad guys in a circle around them. A circle… really? And they say, “We’re surrounded!” Didn’t they start thinking in 3 dimensions before Kirk? Fighter pilots in WWI and WWII were thinking in 3 dimensions! And with all the times they get attacked and it rolls the ship around, and they all fall out of their chairs, each time they redo the Enterprise, they have no airbags or seatbelts.

And before Kirk got the Enterprise, the Discovery had spore drive. Voyager could have been home that afternoon if they had TOLD anyone about it. They had a time travel vortex that made wormholes. They actually went backward in technology from Discovery to Enterprise.

But there are things they need to address. First of all, why start every new scene upside down and rotate the camera? It’s a cool effect once. After that, it’s just annoying.

Then there’s the dialog. OMG. They only have 90 seconds before the proton torpedo embedded in the hull of the ship goes off. They spend it trying to convince each other that one should stay and using their last 30 seconds for a moving tribute to their long association and how honored they’d be…oh for crying in the mud! Prop up the door for long enough she can slide under it before the blast goes off. But no.

“We’re out of time!” You have to bravely sacrifice yourself and you put people in danger because you spend 5 minutes saying goodbye to your brother and apologizing for every single slight and insult. And with NO time left, he has to accept her apology and tell her how she really benefitted him and he’s so proud of her and… For Crying out Loud! Just get to it.

I guess that the last episodes of the season have to have these long moving speeches to tie up loose ends and hint at the next season. It’s especially amusing because with the battle raging around them, and sparks flying and explosions, They never have to raise their voices.  Just once, during one of those scenes, I’d like for the engineer to say, “What the hell are you saying! Quit whispering! It’s red alert and klaxons are going off, and explosions and screaming, and you have to tell me for 2 min before everything blows up how honored you were to work with me instead of aiming the ship at a landing zone or shooting back. Are you out of your mind?” *BOOM*

 

 

 

CBS All Access

Remember Emily Litella? I want to continue her legacy. Yes.

“What’s this I hear about CBS All Access? I love Star Trek and Captain Piccard. (pronounced Pickerd) I wanted to see it so I looked it up in the TV guide. I went through 100’s of channels and though I found CBS, I didn’t find Captain Piccard. They say it’s all access! Pooh!!!

“I called them up and asked why I didn’t have access to All Access. They went on and on about subscription prices and terms and contracts and such. Then they explained that I would have to have an Aichdy Animal, and I don’t even know what that IS! Why would they require an exotic pet in order to watch Captain Piccard? I asked them if there was another way, and then they suggested a P Essfor and all I’d have to do is plug it into my TV. But I’d have to downlode and nap to watch any movies I have on disks. If I nap, I’d sleep through the movies wouldn’t I? This is outrageous!

“If it says All Access, it should BE All Access. I remember when I was growing up that all I had to do to watch anything on CBS was just turn to Channel 5. I remember this nice dial with numbers on it–13 of them. There weren’t 192 Channels that you needed a surgeon djin to find. Never did find one of those. It is my humble opinion that these people are not telling the truth, and I want to DO something about it!…”

“What? CBS All Access means access to ALL CBS? not CBS accessible to everyone? Oh. Like a secret, behind-the-scenes channel that no one else can see unless they pay?…Never Mind.”

________________________________________________________________

Aichdy Animal: HTML

P Essfor: PS4

Downlode and nap: Down load an app

Surgeon djin: Search engine

Bring back Sax and Violins to TV. Then we can hear Ravel and the kiddies can get a musical education!

Impossible Whopper

OK!  I must get my 2 cents in.

If you were truly Vegan, did you make that choice because you believe plants are a better source of nutrition than animals, or because you love animals and don’t believe they should be used for food?

In either case, how long have you been a vegan? Why do I ask? Do you remember what meat tastes like? How would you know if the burger tasted like meat if you don’t remember what meat tastes like? Why would you want your plant-based food to taste like animal-based food if you’re protesting the use of animals for food?

If you’re not vegan, why would you spend $2.50 more for an Impossible Whopper if it only approximates a real meat burger? What is the purpose, then, of introducing a product that tastes like meat to vegans who protest the use of animals in food? Why charge more for a product that convinces non-vegans it is meat when they can get meat for much cheaper? What if this concept goes viral?

Arby’s:  “We have the meats…and the fake meats”

McDonald’s: “I’m tolerating it.”

Wendy’s: “Where’s the beef?” (Don’t need to change that one!)

Ok, it was 4 cents.

Well, it’s better than…

My hubby had a colonoscopy. You may now return to your regular blogs or back to Facebook.

Unintended consequences: “Should I post my procedure pictures online as selfies if I didn’t take them myself?” he asks. Something to ponder.

We also now have a new comparative that is wonderfully versatile. “Well, it’s better than having a camera up your bum!

Oh MAN!  Avian Flu!  You’ve been sick for a week! Are you ok? “Well, it’s better than…

OH NO! You slid off the side of a mountain and got a tree through your back seat! “Well, it’s better than…

We’re on our way home and the temperature is in the 20s and the wind is about 35 and there, at the construction site near the road, are these guys working on the latest senior living apartments. And we say, “Well, it’s better than…Then we look over and one of the guys is pointing at us and saying to the other guys, “Oh MAN…That guy looks like he spent the morning with a camera up his bum!”

“Hello, Mr. Citizen? This is the IRS and I’m calling to schedule an appointment for your Audit.” “Well at least it’s better than…” “Well, sir, that depends entirely on where you’re hiding your money, doesn’t it.”

How’s YOUR day going?