Tag Archives: sense of humor

We?

I was listening to the radio “For Your Health” program this morning, and came to an interesting conclusion.  Here’s the set up:

The hostess states some statistic about how many people lie to their doctor when they go in.  She then goes on to say the obvious–that you could leave out pertinent information regarding your condition that would significantly alter your diagnosis.  That you must be up front when discussing your habits such as drinking, drugs and activities.

My conclusion was not that people are trying to save face in front of the doctor so they don’t appear weak and vulnerable, when, in fact, they are AT the doctor’s clinic BECAUSE they are feeling weak and vulnerable.

What is the 1st thing the doctor says when he or she comes into the room.  They look at the chart and then they look at you and say, “How are WE feeling today?”  Now if the mechanic came into the waiting room at the dealership and looked at the computer read-out of your car and said, “How are OUR cars doing today?” you’d look at him funny.  I dunno!  I don’t have the chart with all the information about YOUR car.  I assume since you drove it here, and I towed mine, your car is in pretty good shape and mine doesn’t work.  Let’s just concentrate on MY car.  If the waitress came to your table and asked, “What are WE having for breakfast today?” (and we’ve all had this happen), most would respond, “Wait–you came to work in a restaurant before you ate?  Can’t you sneak something in the kitchen?  Did you want to join me for breakfast?  It’s ok with me, but we’d have to split the check.”

So when the doctor asks the patient that stupid question, the patient is not wanting to appear stupid in front of the doctor.  He looks him up and down and makes his best guess that the doctor is probably fine and not hurting anywhere.  Then he self-assesses and then using a math that is as incomprehensible as quantum mechanics and averages it out.  The patient then replies, “pretty good for the most part.”

Don’t be fooled.  The doctors know exactly how you feel.  They have your chart!  They can tell what you’ve been doing.  If your eyes are bloodshot and you say, “Will this take long Doc?  I’m really hungry!  Oh and did you know all your pens talk?  Dude!” he will know you’re on some kind of drug.  He just wants to know one of two things: 1. Is it prescription? and 2. Can I sell it on the side to pay for my liability insurance premiums?  Hmmm probably not that 2nd question.  If you smell of alcohol and tobacco, and you giggle at the questions, he’s going to know you might have a drinking problem.  If he tells you what he suspects and you exchange money with your spouse, he’ll know you might have a gambling problem and that your kneecap injury is probably an indication that you’re not very good at it.  He will know when he listens to your digestive system and gets his stethoscope kicked that you might be pregnant.  He will understand when he comes into the exam room and you ask him where the tomatoes are that you might be suffering the first stages of dementia.

The point of the program was to encourage people to be straight-forward with their doctors.  My point is that doctors should ask, “WTH is wrong with you?” instead of using the royal “we” and then they’d get a straight answer.

Advertisements

Humor

I was watching Stand Up on Nitwit Flex the other day.  I have seen 4 comedians.  The 1st one told long stories, one of which involved him performing at a prison, and another about his relationship with his wife.  It was amusing but not funny.  The funny one was the black guy who said he was taking notes for future material, and would whip out a notebook sized piece of paper when they laughed big or when they didn’t.  He had some great Carlinesque and some Richard Pryor moments where he just made observations on life.  His language was foul.  The remaining 2 comedians were talking about bodily functions the whole time.  That might be funny to 5th graders or high school sophomores, but none of the material these 4 were using corresponded to the laughter they were getting.  In fact, it didn’t seem to me that the audience reaction was in line with the stimulus.  It’s like when you tell a joke that is not funny and the crowd goes crazy–like the venue sprays silly gas on them before you get on stage.

Are they laughing because they feel intellectually inadequate in that they don’t understand the humor and don’t want the people around them to know they didn’t get it?  Are they laughing to prove to themselves and the people around them that they are worldly wise and sophisticated enough to get the f@rt jokes?  Are they laughing because they’re embarrassed by the material?  (I had a kid that would smile when he was embarrassed.)  Do they have plants in the audience?  I would be a Robin Williams in that venue!  I would have people rolling in the aisles under those circumstances.

I could talk about weight lifting at the gym after a yogurt breakfast.  “Now for squats…I hope I don’t f@rt!” *acts out lifting and f@rting.  Crowd goes wild.*  I could do potty training grand children.  “Welcome to Trouserless Tuesday!  Drop your pants, and if you need to pee…go to the bathroom or clean it up yourself.”  *crowd is in tears.*  I could tell a story about hiking the trail after burritos for lunch.  1/2 way around the lake, I REALLY have to go, and there’s no toilet paper in the out house.  It’s too late.  People across the lake can hear the expulsion and look up to see where the jet is.  The methane released peels all the paint off the interior.  Other hikers walking by pass out.  I use the toilet paper roll to scrape off as much as I can, and have to walk funny for another mile and 1/2 to get back to my car…where I am recoiling at the idea of sitting down and driving home.  *crowd is rolling on the floor and some are having accidents themselves.*  But I don’t think that material is funny.

What I think is funny are those little blue pill advertisements.  How can it be considered erotic for 2 old people to be in separate bathtubs, outside, holding hands and looking at the sunset?  1st of all, it’s 2 older people.  2nd, why 2 tubs?  (Wouldn’t a nice big Jacuzzi be more erotic?)  3rd, is the water heated or does it get colder?  (I’d think that cold water might be a detriment to later performance…)  4th, in order to get started, one or both have to get out of the tubs.  So if they’ve been sitting in cooling water, staring out at the sunset for any length of time, they’ll be pruny, and goose-bumpy, and, well, shriveled.  I would think that my first reaction to such a scene would be laughter (and shivering).

My audience is different though.  They’re not the millenials and new parents and those of mid-life crises.  They’re the grandparents, the mean old nasty ladies with the canes, the old guys with the Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and silly hats that constantly yell, “Git off my lawn ya little buggers!!!”  They’re the ones with life experience.  They’re the ones that read bill boards and laugh at the implications.  (Picture of Lincoln–failed, failed, failed, failed, President–Persistence!  And we’re thinking failed, failed, failed, failed, shot.)  Or look at those inspirational bill boards put up by the churches.  Think how much easier it would have been if there had been bill boards in Moses’ day.  “Yo!  MOSES!  The sign said next exit!”  Could have cut some of the traveling time.  Or post one up with Jesus’ picture on it saying, “THIS IS THE GUY!~God”  Would have saved a lot of people from 2nd thoughts.  I always get confused about the connection of nearly naked ladies and cars.  Which are they selling?

I think that the lengths some of these people go to have the perfect ANYTHING are ludicrous!  The more moving parts, the less likely things are to be perfect.  So if you’re spending $30k on a wedding dress, and the perfect destination wedding, with the perfect band or dj, and the perfect vows, and the pre-nuptial agreements, and the right people at your wedding (the ones that have enough money to GET to the destination) it will be a perfect occasion.  It’s just ONE DAY in your married life and the next 12 years you will be arguing about money because you’ll still be paying for it.  It is the same with the perfect birth for your baby.  I confess I heard this last discussion on the radio.  It was HILARIOUS what women do.  “Oh, no we’ll be having a completely natural childbirth in the completely natural childbirth facility with 15 people on hand to do the child’s first spinal adjustment as he’s born, the string quartet playing Mozart, the midwife, husband, obstetrician and 3 nurses on hand, the priest, the gospel choir and the most sanitary of rooms. Whatever is best for the baby.”  Oh, really?  Well, we’ll be having a completely natural childbirth on the beach in the ocean.  The salt water keeps the child floating on the sea and completely relaxed.  Whatever is best for the baby.”  Oh yeah?  I was part of the Lamaze group when that went through.  That was rather enjoyable.  Now that isn’t enough.  Speaking with the nurses and staff, I discovered that 80% of the Lamaze patients were screaming for drugs before they got through the 1st couple of hours of labor.  It seems to me that everything in life needs to be a production put on by the most prestigious directors in which we (the untrained!) play the leading roles.  Does that make any sense to anyone?  It cracks me up!

Strangely enough, not many of the things I find funny ever end up on the “Stand-Up” stage.  You know that a regular target for archery is the big circle with little circles inside?  If Donald Trump was a target, he’d be just a big red circle.  So no, he’s not on my list of funny things…too easy.  Bodily functions have ceased being funny since gradually, in my advanced age, I am losing control of all of them.  Complaining about aging is off the table because the youngsters don’t think it’s funny or they don’t get it, and the “more mature” members of the audience often have funnier stories about the same subjects.  That leaves me with observational humor.  Carlin was the master of that as was Robin Williams.

What do I observe?  9 times out of 10, the guys from CSI (and Miami CSI and NY CSI) don’t apparently work for any of the other police on TV.  There is a reason for this!  When the investigations are run by CSI, they have the LAB GEEKS GO INTO THE FIELD WITH THE FIELD AGENTS AND THEY TAKE THE LEAD IN THE ARRESTS!  So if you want credit for a collar, you don’t let the CSI people anywhere near your crime scene.  They will steal it from you!

I also notice that if you put a mask on a famous person, they become unrecognizable.  I can see how that would work with Dare Devil, Spider Man and the Flash, but the Green Arrow?  Supergirl?  Superman? Com’on!  Facial recognition would nail them the 1st time they showed up in a news story!

I also notice that Gibbs never gets called on a harassment charge for his head slaps.

Unfortunately, another noticeable thing is that during sweeps week, everyone goes into the bedroom.  I don’t want to KNOW what they’re doing on their own time in the privacy of their own homes.  These are mythical creatures, these TV personalities.  They NEVER go to the bathroom.  The women are never experiencing PMS.  All the guys are experts at the salmon ladder,  and none of them has hair on their chest.  Even Hercules (Kevin Sorbo) had hair on his chest.  I cannot imagine having to grow chest hair back!  What an itchy situation!!!

What is the likelihood that I would get a call from “Stand up” to do a session?  Somewhere south of .005%.  *Sigh*

An Evil sense of humor

I just watched a pitch for a “Smart House.”  It’s run by a Smart Phone ap.  Oooooooh the possibilities! Let me tell you about the features of this marvelous product.  It has camera access to every room in your house.  Oh really?  The bathroom?  It has 2 way communication so even kids without phones can contact you by ringing the door bell.  Oh, yes, there’s a camera in the door bell.  It keeps a log of everyone that has been to your porch!  With this ap, you can open and close your garage door, turn up or down the thermostat, turn your lights on and off, turn off your appliances (like irons and washing machines) and lock and unlock your doors.  I’m like a kid in a candy store!

“Hey house!  Turn on the lights, open the garage door and unlock the front and side doors.”  *Waits patiently for enterprising thieves to notice.*  There’s a likely participant.  He wanders into the garage, and checks the door.  In he comes.  “Hey house!  Turn out the lights.”  Thief walks into chair.  Disembodied voice (you) says, “You forgot to clap twice to turn on the lights.”  Thief is startled, but claps twice.  Nothing happens.  Disembodied voice says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, slowly.”  Thief claps slowly.  Nothing happens.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your command.  Please clap twice, faster than last time but not too fast.”  Thief claps twice.  Nothing happens.  He claps again faster, then again slower.  Disembodied voice says, “Thank you!   Thank you!  I love the applause!  You like me you really like me.”  Lights remain off.  Thief runs into another chair.  Lights come on.  Siren comes on.  Disembodied voice yells, “Clap twice to turn off alarms and alert police that you are a friendly neighbor just feeding the fish.”

You sit in your cozy motel monitoring the poor thief and are stifling uproarious laughter.  Thief is clapping like crazy to turn off alarms.  Disembodied voice yells, “I’m sorry, did you clap?  I can’t hear it over the cacophony.  Please clap louder.”  Thief runs into laundry room and closes the door.  Washer starts up.  Disembodied voice says, “Maria, you’re early.  You don’t usually start the washer at this time.  Are you under duress?  Maria?  Maria?  If this is not Maria, invisible poison gas will shortly permeate the room and you’ll be dead in 30 seconds.”  Thief runs out the door.  Siren turns off, lights go out, and thief falls over ottoman.  Lights flash on and off. TV turns on and off.  Prerecorded horror movie starts to play.  Washer turns off, radio turns on.  Temperature is slowly climbing to 90 degrees.  Thief is in full blown panic.  He runs for the door.  “House?  Lock all the doors and turn off all lights, close and lock garage door.  Alert police.”  He tries to break the bullet proof windows.  No luck.  He tries to unlock the door, but you are much faster relocking it than he is opening it.  Police will be there in 1 min, turn on siren, turn off lights, turn off appliances.

Police arrive to hear panicked thief begging to be taken out to nice quiet jail cell with 15 crack heads and a biker gang rather than stay in this apparently unassuming, empty house.  Officer 1 turns to Officer 2 and says, “You know, that’s the 5th time this month we’ve had an attempted robbery at this place.”  Officer 2 replies, “and it’s also the 5th time we’ve had the thieves begging to be taken to jail.  Weird huh?”  “Nahhhhhh….”

Don’t let me get a hold of this Smart House ap.  It isn’t safe.

 

New “Just”

Over the weekend, I did a lot of activities that don’t get measured by my little programs and aps.  I did go to the gym Saturday morning for about 20 min of walking, then hubby and I went to our club meeting.  I had a sensible breakfast, a not so sensible lunch.  Oops.  Then the granddaughter came over.  We hacked at the grass (looks up grass hacking… nope not in my ap)  Then we went to the nursery to order dirt.  Then we jumped in the car and headed to the box store to get the lovely herbs I saw there earlier.  Oops.  Just because the west store has them doesn’t mean the east store does.  We walked allllllll over looking for these herbs (looks up plant pacing…nope, not in my ap)  Hubby found some nice patio chairs, and we got some onions, tomatoes and peppers.  We found a couple of the herbs, but not all of them.  Also found some nice planters.  Then we went to the car to load them up.  hmmm.  Chairs do not fit in trunk.  Hubby says, “I’ll JUST go in and get a bungee cord.  As a proud member of the BOA (Buick Owners Association) I know that in section 3a sub paragraph 2 of the BOA handbook, it says, “a Buick owner NEVER uses a bungee cord on the vehicle.  Anything that big should be carried by a more plebian mode of transportation… horse and cart, flatbed truck, minivan with tarp, 1982 Ford pickup…”  So my granddaughter and I wrestled the chairs into the back seat of the car, and the plants and planters into the trunk. (looks up planter packing… nope, not in my ap)  We then went out for dinner and I had a very sensible dinner.  On our way home, we went back to the nursery to get the rest of the herbs and pick up some gravel for the bottom of the planters.  We got the herbs, but then the store closed.  Went to WalMart for the gravel.  Got home and carried the rocks and dirt to the back (hubby did, so I didn’t get to count that) and then filled the planters with gravel and dirt and got the little planties planted.  (looks up gravel groveling, dirt dumping, plant positioning… nope, not in my ap)  Give the granddaughter a bath… I don’t bother looking up granddaughter dunking.  So how do I enter all this activity into my dailies?  My hubby says, “JUST walking 2.5mph –leisurely pace– for about 22 hours.”  Well that isn’t going to add up!