Damn is just Nmad backwards

I’m feeling very silly.

I have noticed a trend.  When I goof up, I think it is because deep down, I do not deserve success and that the universe suspends its laws when I’m involved.  Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep, do meaningful work, and you will naturally gravitate to your ideal healthy weight.  Unless it’s ME!  Then it is Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep, do meaningful work, eat 1 potato and BOOOM!  OBE comes to visit.  Yes, I named my fat.  His name is Obe (like obese see?) and he giggles at me.  I probably mentioned this in an earlier post.   Saturday, I weighed at the gym.  I have been a good girl.  *Pats self on head*  *Obe giggles at me again*  I’m at 212.  When I started this blog, I was at 203 and determined to get below 200.  I got back into the gym, started keeping a food journal and an exercise journal.  I obsessed about being my ideal weight.  I did that green diet where you can eat anything you want as long as it was green.  I have been eating 1/2 the carbs I used to, and it’s 1/2 because I’m told fruit is ok.  I allow myself 1 potato a month.  I can have 1/4 cup of rice or 1 slice of bread or 1/2 cup of noodles in a week.  If I have pizza, I can only have it on Wednesday so I can spend Thursday and Friday trying to exercise and starve it out of me.  And I GAINED weight.  The fact is, I’m a failure.  I’m the worst human specimen on the planet.  I’m useless and fat and…

Wait?  Stop!  For nearly 50 years I’ve been teaching my students that if you don’t reach your goals, it’s not due to a character flaw.  It is a mistake that you can correct and learn from.  And yet, there I am making it a character flaw.  Why does this come up?  Because I’ve had to teach that lesson 4 times in 2 days.  “I can’t remember names.”  Of course you can.  It is just not something you want to expend the time and focus to get good on.  You CHOOSE to forget names.  You are successful at that.  “I always miss that 4th finger in the scale!”  No, it is just not something you have spent time and effort on to fix.  It doesn’t mean that much to you so you label it a flaw and get on with your life.  ??!!  Oh?  you did spend time and effort on it?  Then why isn’t it fixed?  BECAUSE YOU TOLD YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE!  Congratulations, you have succeeded.  What did you say when you missed it?  “I always miss that 4th finger!  Danged hand.  What a stupid student I am.”  And that helped you how?  Your new script is this, “Huh, isn’t that interesting?  Let’s circle this and fix it.”  Then you will go about associating the correct finger for that note, and when you have solved the problem, you will erase the circle and say, (out loud!) “I always get that fingering right now!  Listen to this!  Isn’t it lovely?  I am such a good student!”  How does that apply to me now?

When I have problems with my exercise, diet, and weight, I will need to say, “Isn’t that interesting?”  Start from here and move forward.  BECAUSE…

You can’t Hate yourself Happy

You can’t Criticize yourself Thin

You can’t Shame yourself Worthy.

Real change begins with self-love and self-care.

Psalm 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

How can you hate something God has created wonderfully?  How can you hate what God loves?

So instead of giving myself character flaws, (and really!  why would you have to find more flaws?!!!) I should be amazed at God’s creation and treat it with the reverence and respect it deserves.  All those jokes…”Hahaaaa!  you have a six pack?  I have a keg!!!” “I’m in shape…round is a shape”  “Of course you’re cold!  You’re not properly insulated!”  “If your body is a temple, mine is a cathedral!”  “You said that if I wasn’t growing, I was dying!  Well I’m twice the woman I was!”  The underlying thought is that I am mistreating my self and then blaming this on a character flaw, and then laughing about it.

I won’t be so arrogant to assume that I can change this mindset over night, but I have been teaching it for 50 years, so maybe I’ll internalize it now?  (Immediately I picture myself eating it with a potato and gaining another pound.)  This may take some time.