Monthly Archives: October 2018

But there’s MORE!

I have discovered the secret to Weblogs!  I’m going to be stinking rich!  And I can help you discover this marvelous way to make money too!

But first, let me tell you how I discovered this amazing money machine.

I’m FAT.  I even gave my fat a name:  Obie.  Obie is sentient.  As a result, I have dieted and exercised and taken all sorts of supplements to get me back to my fighting weight.  Haha.  I’ve been on a Keto diet for the better part of a year, but I don’t do it right.  There should be no carbs at all.  Somehow, I’m over my carb limit by 40-75 g EVERY DAY!  My diet should consist of meat and vegies and NOTHING ELSE.  But somehow, carbs sneak in.  (Sneak?  I should say I seek them out and force them onto my plate.)  I have cut my intake to 1200 cal/day for nearly 4 years.  Every calorie over 1500 adds a pound.

I have exercised and walked and gotten a trainer at the gym.  My last walk was a 3 mile hike around this lovely lake.  I got so sore toward the end of the hike I wasn’t sure I could make it back to my car.  In an epic fail, I posted this to my status in Facebook, and scared the crap out of my kids.

I have taken pills with meals, worn patches and drunk (yuck!!!!) protein shakes.  I tell you the truth:  There is no amount of shaking this powder plus milk or water that can make this goop palatable.  Imagine chewing something that you drink.  Ew.

As a result of all my attempts, I have gone to the internet in search of reasons why none of these works.  This is how I got introduced to weblogs.  The pitch is simple.

“You’ve tried everything to lose those pesky extra pounds and nothing works?  It’s because these exercises that are recommended for YOU, PERSONALLY, are the wrong exercises!”

“You’ve tried everything to lose those pesky extra pounds and nothing works?  It’s not the carbs and the fats you consume.  So your diet is not going to work!  It’s because the bacteria in your gut has been compromised!  You need to adjust your diet to make the correct bacteria!”

“You’ve tried everything to lose those pesky extra pounds and nothing works?  That’s because you’re eating to maintain your energy levels.  And that’s the wrong reason to eat!  This lovely patch and this regimen will make sure your energy stays up and lowers your appetite!”

But there’s MORE.  Just read (or listen while they flash the words on the screen) the rest of the story.  For ages, the answer to your problem was…Blah blah blah for another 5 min.  Wait, that’s important information!  Why are you blah blah blahing it?  Because the research and the history really do not matter!  Make up your own history.  Make it a conspiracy and more people will side with you.  Make it a basic fact that everybody knows and nobody applies.  It doesn’t matter.  The only purpose of this part of the Weblog is to add credibility and purpose to your premise.  Will they bother to research these claims?  No because interspersed in this message is the claim:  “Congratulations!  You’re one of the few who really want to know how to proceed.  We commend you on your search for the right answers and that you have taken the effort to take the quiz, do the survey, whatever you did to get onto the site.”  Now you feel special and you continue to listen to the pitch.

Now before I give you the answer to how to make gazillions of dollars doing a weblog, let me tell you about how other web based businesses make money.  They get you hooked on the value of the results of their products.  They never say how odious the process is.  It’s so simple a baby could do it.  It’s so easy and convenient.  In 6 weeks you will lose 50 pounds, or will have 6-pack abs, or will have so much energy that your power company will wonder how you heat/cool your house!  All you have to do is click this button:

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OK! Sign me up!

I’m going to give you a free demonstration of one method of making gazillions of dollars with your own weblog.  But before I get started, let me tell you how I discovered it.  I thought you could just say that you had a solution to a problem and then tell them how much it costs.  Boy was I wrong!  Then I discovered the secret!  I will show it to you at the end of this presentation, but first, let me tell you how much effort went into finding this secret.  I spent months doing research, talking to experts, trial and error, and sleepless nights coming up with the best way to keep my head above water.  Everything I learned was so formulaic and only worked about 15% of the time.  After about 6 months of fruitless work, I was ready to chuck it and go back to being a regular 9-5’er.  Then I noticed something that all the other sites were doing.

But there’s more!  Not only were they leaving out an incredibly obvious technique, they were not giving anyone information that they didn’t already have!  It’s like telling people the sky is blue or that water is wet.  Why were they making so much money?  Because they wanted their readers to think they alone were smart enough to realize these very common assumptions.  Yes!  You’re fat because you have elephant genes!  Of COURSE!  That’s the answer!  It’s so self evident!  I wondered why my nose was getting longer.  The doctors said it wasn’t Pinocchio Syndrome. Why has no one ever figured this out?!  With my patented gene therapy you can…Then they give you the pitch and the price.  Or they SAY they’re going to give you the price.

But first, how much do you think this information is worth?  $5000?  $2500?  Now they’ve set you up for the actual price.  Then they go and find information that costs $10,000, or because you have to have a degree in chemical engineering and a medical doctor’s degree it would cost you $100,000 to develop this information.  Do you have time or inclination to get those degrees?  To do that research?  No?  Well I have and I will give it to you for the unbelievable price of $39.99/month for the rest of your life.  Or you could make one easy payment of $1000 now.  For the cost of 2 year’s worth of product, coaching sessions, whatever, you can have this amazing whatzidoodle for life!  But there’s more!  With this watzidoodle, you get a free copy of “What the Whatzidoodle did for Me” and this amazing mug that says “I use Whatzidoodle, How about you?” that when heated liquid goes into it changes the message to “It works!  It really works!”

So the keys in making gazillions of dollars using your weblog are 2 phrases:

“But first… “(if you get bored with that you can alternate that with “But before I tell you this…”)

“But there’s More!”  There’s no substitute for this last phrase.  You must use it multiple times near the end of your presentation.  Use one in the introduction of the concept, a couple in the credibility section in a negative manner. (These evil companies did this unthinkable thing, but there’s more!)  Then each time you present your product in the last few minutes of your weblog, you use it nearly every sentence.

Are you rich yet?  No?  Well you haven’t seen the best ideas yet!  For just $12,486.47, you can have the keys to making a gazillion dollars.  Just hit this start button!

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Creative Writing: Talking with a Tortoise

https://dailyflabbergast.wordpress.com/2018/10/09/cw-a-talk-with-a-tortoise/

Talking with a tortoise

Hello…Bob.

Hello Tortoise.  Nice to see you again!

Nice…to…see…you…too.

Happy birthday!  121 years!  That’s quite an accomplishment!

Thank…you.

How are you celebrating?

I’m…going…to…go…over…there…and…have…some…birthday…lettuce.

No cake?  No party?

Well…the…invitations…went…out…6…months…ago…and…since…I…don’t…see…anyone…here…it…must…have…taken…them…too…long…to…get…here.

Can I join you at your birthday lettuce?

Sure…Bob.

How many invitations did you send out?

9.  Just…around…this…rock.

SURPRISE!!!!!

Bob?  Call…9…1…1!

Happy Birthday Tortoise!

 

 

SVA

Turn about is fair play.  Let’s visit Super Villains Anonymous.

Hello.  I’m Thanos.  And I’m a super villain.

Hello?  Hello?  Anyone here?

Hmmm.  It appears that there may be many super villains but none of them wish to be anonymous.  I guess I get all the danish and coffee.  Wait, this smells funny.  Oh REALLY?  Someone put Ex Lax in the coffee?  And is that cocaine instead of powdered sugar on the danish?  Really?!

*Snaps fingers.  A small pile of dust appears in the corner of the room leaving a small bag with a recorded laugh.*

SHA

Hi.  I’m Batman.  I’m a superhero.

“Hi Batman.”

The first step is to acknowledge I am powerless.

“Wait, What?  You are powerless?”

Um that’s the 1st step…admit you’re powerless.

“You can’t be powerless, this is a Super Heroes Anonymous meeting.  We all have powers.”

I don’t.

*stunned silence*

Really.  I just have money and lots and lots of training…and bandages.

“I’m Oliver Queen, and I have lots of money and no powers.”

Well, that’s not exactly true, you lost all your money and you kill people (or killed people) so you’re just a vigilante and not a super hero.

“You killed the District Attorney…”

Just in the movie.

“Hi, I’m Mr. Incredible and this is my family, and I am powerless against my son Jack Jack…”

Oh shut up.

“I won’t.  And you can’t make me…you’re powerless, period.  And Queen?  You think you can just go around killing bad guys because you’re a crack shot and green ninja?  Super heroes put guys like you in prison.”

“I’ve been to prison…I got out.”

It doesn’t make you a hero.

“It does to the people I rescue.”

And what’s with all these names.  You’re costume is not good enough to escape facial recognition…The Hood, the Arrow, the Green Arrow (whose bright idea was that?)  Same guy, same costume, new ammo?  Who names themselves after their weapons?

“Yup, and who names themselves after a rodent?”

“People, PEOPLE!  It’s Mr. Batman’s sharing time.  Don’t interrupt.”

Hi, I’m Batman, I’m a super hero.

(Mr. Incredible, Luke Cage, and Superman cough “bullshit”)

“Hi, Batman.”

It’s been *checks obscenely expensive and complex watch* 2 hours and 35 min since my last intervention.

“What happened?”

There was a couple arguing in the snack aisle of the convenience store.  She told him she was going to throw the TV out the window if he bought any more of the caramel popcorn.  He was buying snacks for the Gotham Giants game.  I believed it was an unreasonable threat, so I used my bat-bolo to tie her up and leave her dangling from the ceiling.  The guy bought the snacks, put them in his car and then came back to cut her down.  He was laughing too hard to thank me, but I could see his gratitude in his eyes.

“So she was a super villain you needed to neutralize?”

She was threatening a Gotham citizen with an unreasonable punishment for a trivial crime.

“Isn’t that precisely what you did?”

Yup, so I immediately came to the meeting.

“I completely understand that.  I intervened when a guy ran in to a Metroville Fan store before the Mets played last June and got blocked in.  I lifted his car into traffic, but I didn’t have to tie up his wife, even though she was throwing insults at the guy.”

But she wasn’t threatening physical attacks.

“Mental abuse and physical abuse are still abuse.  It can cause harm.”

Point taken.

“So Mr. Batman, what’s the longest you’ve gone between interventions?”

16 days, 12 hours, and 42 min.

“Good for you!  What were the circumstances?”

I was in a coma.

*Jessica Jones smirks. Danny Rand almost does a face palm, but his hands are glowing and he thinks better of it.*

“What do you think triggers your interventions?”

*they all reply* “Any type of injustice.”

“So you’re going after the referees in the last football game?”

*they all reply* “Yes.”

Danny Rand adds, “and their families and their friends and their secret organization…the flags that they throw with their hands! You know there’s got to be a connection…”

“The Hand?  We’ve been fighting the Foot!”

Shut up Leonardo.

“I’m Raphael, notice the bandanna?”

“Batman?  Who’s your sponsor?”

Falcon…

“Hmmm, maybe not the best choice.”

It was better than Owl.  At least Falcon isn’t nocturnal.  Owl kept picking me up at the worst times.  ‘Oh…I thought you were vermin!’ he’d say and laugh.  Over and Over and Over.  Where is Owl by the way?

“It’s only 4:00, he’s not up yet.”

“So I’m hearing you say that Owl was intervening in your interventions?”

Yes.  Quite annoying.  Especially when he dropped me and I wasn’t wearing my suit.

“Was that when…”

Yes, I was in a coma for the 16 days.  He sent dead mice and crickets to my hospital room.  I guess it freaked out the nurses.

“Wait, you tried an intervention without your suit?  No weapons?  No defenses?”

I can fight without my suit.  Can you fight without your powers?  I know Oliver can, we studied with the same teacher…

Danny Rand stands up, “I don’t need my fists to fight.”

Of course you do…what would you use?  Your elbows?

“Not my glowing fists, just regular fists.”

Why would you turn off your power?

“I have to turn it on by using my Chi”

So you have a remote control?

“Shut up Danny.  He will NEVER get it.  And you can’t explain it without getting all misty eyed.”

*Danny sits down and sulks*

“Well, Mr. Batman, if you feel like you need to do an intervention, you know you can call your sponsor.”

*The Falcon licks his lips and rubs his hands together…*

Um…sure.

Jessica Jones leans into Tony Stark and whispers, “I give him 3 hours tops.  $100.”

Tony says, “Even odds…I’ll take your money.  I’d guess no more than 2 hrs.”

Superman says, from across the room, “I heard that…”

Daredevil says, “So did I…”

Tony Stark stands up.  “I have an important meeting to get to.  Batman, you and I should do lunch sometime.”

“What are his powers besides money and tech?” asks Thor.

“It would have to be his enormous ego,” quips Dr. Strange.

“That’s it for this week.  There’s coffee and danish in the back…”