of high points and low points

Tuesday I frittered away all the time I had allotted, and didn’t go to the gym.  MASSIVE guilt…well I should have had some.  I just chalked it up to another failure.  Then I stood and played for 3 hours for the returning Korean Honor flight and got back home about 2:30 AM.  

Wednesday I don’t go to the gym.  I leave the house at 9 am and get home at 9 pm.  BUT NO!!!   My 10 o’clock cancelled, then my 11:30 cancelled.  My 1 o’clock said she couldn’t do her lesson either, then I got notified that my 2 o’clock had also cancelled.  hmmmm.  PLENTY of time to go to the gym.  I slid in a little bit between my 4:00 and my 7:00 lessons.  20 min on treadmill.  Huffing and Puffing the whole time. 

Thursday.  It’s weigh day.  I regretfully got on the scale, knowing that I shouldn’t be upset for the 1st couple of months (years?) because all that fat is turning to muscle… right.  Boy 20-30 min of walking will make you a body builder in about 200 years.  A new high.  A new low.  213.5 pounds.  I now weigh 50 pounds more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  New low?  I’m disgusted, I’m mad and I’m frustrated.  I start focusing on all the failures I’ve had, not in just weight mind you, but all of them.  The wrong attitude in school, the wrong humor, the bad choices (should have joined girl scouts in 3rd grade), the mediocre grades, the fact that I sight read most of my lessons and if I’d practiced, I might have actually been a good musician, but I didn’t.  Should have been a math/business major instead of music, and then I wouldn’t have had to transfer my sophomore year.  Should have used all the old cruddy books they had for music classes, shouldn’t have expected them to sing in 4 parts or in foreign languages.  Should not have demanded they play more difficult music.  Wouldn’t have gotten fired all those times. Shouldn’t have thought I was smarter or better than anyone at anything, because the evidence indicates the contrary.  Shouldn’t have tried treasurer position for Toastmasters because it’s NOT just putting numbers in boxes.  Shouldn’t have gained all this weight in the 1st place.  You can’t have 2nds just because you like the food.  If you’re not hungry, don’t eat, stupid!  Should have realized that just taking leadership classes doesn’t make you a leader.  I was a terrible parent, spent most of my time with the kids yelling and crying.  Great example.  The girls survived, but probably won’t ever be like normal people.  and the boys are all depressed and not even trying to do what they truly could be good at because they might fail.  So I failed my God, my family, and my church, and all the students I worked with, and  and my business.  Being loud and annoying doesn’t endear you to anyone.  You don’t have the deepest thoughts.  Your opinion doesn’t matter.  Now I’m in tears and making stupid mistakes.  But I have to teach my 5:00 violinist, and then rush down and judge a contest.  Don’t depress the 5 year old, and smile at all the club members.  Put that “everything-is-fine” face on and get it over with. 

Most people would say, “ya, but then you gotta think about all your successes!”  There aren’t any.  What?  You were the 1st person in history of Morningside College to test out of both semesters of “ear training.”  Oh yeah?  prove it. My transcript says I dropped the class. And what good is that anyway.  What a ridiculous thing to be good at!  You can play every instrument in band/orchestra/guitar/piano/voice…  Once a gain, what a truly useless thing to be good at.  I don’t play them very well.  I have all sorts of financial designations.  Which means I’m really good at taking tests.  Stupid thing to be good at.  I apparently am good at things that don’t matter.

Now is when my reader throws up her hands and says, “wow, what a crappy attitude!  No wonder you are having trouble!  I’m going to read something inspirational and happy.”

My back was cramping up on the treadmill

20 min treadmill 2.3mph 1.5 incline

Weight 213.5

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